Friend with BPD - taking the no contact option

[Amanda123]

Here is my story.  I have been struggling to cope / help / understand a person who I thought of as a very close friend - she was one of my bridesmaids!  I now think she has BPD and I have been advised to have no contact at all with her.  This is very difficult to do because we will in a small town and share a lot of the same friends.  I have said nothing to our friends about what has happened as I don't want to drag them into it or make it any harder for her by telling people what she has done to me - I also doubt some of them would believe me!  I knew nothing about BPD until about 6 months ago when my counsellor suggested that this friend probably has it.  I went to counselling as I could not work out what was wrong.  I had been struggling with my feelings towards this friend for years - I went back over my journals and there are many pages where I am trying to work out why I was having so much trouble understanding and dealing with her.

A first it was just little things - she would get really angry if I didn't go to the beach on Saturday mornings - because we went a few times and she then thought that we should go together (with our families) every weekend.  Then there were lots of promises to do stuff together that never happened - I love camping with friends and she would always say yes to coming but pull out at the last minute.  Or the totally re-organised girls lunches/dinners/weekends that were all rearranged completely to suit her or else ruined by her.  We live in a small town and she would insist on making everyone drive to another town 50 minutes away to go out for pizza - there are several restaurants in town that were fine and a huge tourist destination that thousands of people travel from all over the world to visit is only 35 minutes drive away....but oh no it had to be the one place...

I don't like talking about this as I feel really petty going on about it - every thing was petty little things but they all added up to someone who wanted to totally control me and it took me years to realise.  It was only when I look back with what I know now that it is really obvious what was happening.  

She wanted me and my kids to have dinner with her once a week - one week at my place, the next at hers. I really liked this idea as my husband worked long hours and I thought it would be a good chance to spend some quality time with her and the kids.  It was painful.  When she came to my place I would need to cook 3 times the amount of food I would normally cook for my family.  She would always come with her husband as he didn't work long hours (actually he did work very long hours but he never missed looking after the kids for her between the hours of 5pm and bed time as that was her time off- He would then need to go back to work and sometimes work until very late to get his jobs done).  They would all have 2-3 big serves each - I often had only a small server left over for my husband when he got home. When we went to dinner at hers there would sometimes not be enough food - she would have her mother there (who I now realise was in a hopeless cycle of trying to appease her) to cook the meal.  I was typically cooking up to 1.5kg of meat with 2 large salads - for a mid week meal of 4 adults and 4 kids - most of the kids ate max 50g of meat each) and she would server up 8 sausages and 200g of tofu with a salad.  Anyway - I felt used a lot!

She always categorised and compartmentalised people.  Had lots of reasons why some of our "friends" should be excluded from certain social gatherings.  She endlessly compared people.  She hated having to abide by rules - she would do whatever she could to get around them with no consideration for anyone else.  We sent our kids to the same preschool - which had a very long waiting list and limited places. She wanted her daughter to start aged 3 - at the preschool we gave priority to kids who were 4 as they were closer to starting school.  She found out that if your child had a disability or learning difficulties they could "jump" the queue, so she escalated her daughter's enlarged adenoids into a "learning disability" so that she could start preschool a year earlier.  She also insisted that her six year old son run in the under 6s at the cross country because his birthday was in January (this was in April) and then bragged about how he came second (the fact he was running against 5 yos didn't get mentioned).  I know this all sounds really petty - and it is - but there were so many instances - taxes not paid, bills not paid, making contractors do a lot more work that what was quoted for on fixed price jobs, etc.

I decided a few years ago that I wasn't a very nice person around her - all these things just annoyed me too much so I started keeping my distance.  Not obviously but just staying to myself a bit more.  She got a job that took her away during the week so I escaped the weekly dinners without too much trouble and it got easier as she was busy with work.

Then she reeled me back in.  She made a big point to reconciling with me and making amends for her bad behaviour - she admitted she had been selfish and used me with the dinners etc.  For a while it all looked like we could go on being friends.  

Then she wan't to start a new business locally and wanted me to take a key role.  I did a lot of work for her for free and my husband did some paid work (less than $10k worth).  We worked really hard for her and gave her excellent value for money because she was our friend and we wanted to help her make her dreams come true.  She said to me that unlike me she was a risk taker and she didn't want to work for anyone else - this is what she really wanted to do and she desperately needed me to help her as her other friends in the industry had quoted her $40k for doing the work.  After months of delaying she finally put the formal offer on the table that would allow us to formalise the working arrangements and go forward in business together.  What she offered me for my involvement in the project going forward was laughable and I declined any further involvement - big mistake!

She was really apologetic that she had under valued my contribution and pleaded with me to leave the door open to another offer from her.  I didn't want any more involvement at that stage as I was burnt out.  I'd spent hundreds of hours working for free on the project (spread over a 6 month period) and despite everyone being really impressed with what we had delivered I had received nothing from her - I had actually been present when she had told friends that she did "everything all by herself" to get the business up and running and I had taken her to meetings to help her promote it where she asked me to leave the room after I set everything up for her presentation - I assume this was so she wouldn't have to share the limelight with anyone.

Anyway when I pulled out she was very cross and started turning up as my house uninvited and raging at me - swearing and accusing me of doing stuff to get back at her.  I hadn't done anything aside from moving on with other projects which were my job and had nothing to do with her business. But she was convinced that I was trying to destroy her and plotting against her.  At this stage I was struggling to deal with my feelings about what I'd been through and having counselling to cope - I was also having marriage counselling because my husband had been dragged into all this as his skills where desperately needed to get her business started. Despite all this we both still considered her a good, although troubled, friend and wanted to help her.  She came to us with another business idea and when we politely declined to have any direct involvement - she lost it.  We didn't want to be involved mainy because we didn't enjoy working with her - she had absolutely no empathy for us as her team mates on the project - everything as about her, but also because she hadn't paid us thousands from the last job.  We forgave the debt as she was our friend and we thought she probably needed the money for her venture more than we needed it - we didn't even get a thank-you for that.

After 12 months of uncertainty she started sending me harassing emails and demanding that we give her all the money back.  At this stage our counsellor told us that in all likelihood she has BPD and that we would be best to have no contact with her.  That is what we are doing now, but it is really hard.  

[Chris_B]

Hi Amanda,

It's good that you've been able to seek help and support for what you've been through with your friend.  Sometimes the behaviour of others, regardless of whether they have a mental illness, can be hurtful and damaging and if the best option for your own wellbeing is to end a friendship, then sadly sometimes that is what you have to do.

Many of us who live with anxiety, depression or other forms of mental illness have experienced the other side of the coin and been treated poorly because of the assumptions made by others; so I'm sure you will find people in the community here who can empathise with the feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal that you're feeling while you work through this difficult period.

The focus should be on you and your recovery rather than on whether your friend has a mental illness or not.

best
CB

____________________________________
Online Community Manager

[Vanilla5]

Hi Amanda

Your situation sounds a little too close to home for me. I could be wrong, but I urge you to follow this up nonetheless; it could explain everything, if I'm right.

Look up a term called 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' - see if that fits at all.

[BecomingAThriver]

Hi Amanda,

I have to agree with Vanilla5, from the situations you describe it's much more likely to be NPD.

As someone who suffers from BPD and who has actually been diagnosed as having this by a professional, I really resent any counsellors or therapists (I don't hear many qualified psychologists/psychiatrists doing this) who pass judgement on mental illness without meeting the person in question. This assumption that has come from your session (whether implied or specified) is unfair and disappointing. It adds to the stigma that we who have this illness already face. Some people are just jerks. They're not mentally ill, they're just thoughtless and selfish. As Christopher said, it's better to focus on you, you are the only one who's actions you can be responsible for, don't enable your 'friend' and allow them to treat you disrespectfully and try to look at this as an opportunity to focus on your personal growth and as an opportunity to set and maintain boundaries.

[Arrie97]

Hi Amanda123,

I agree with BecomingAThriver and Vanilla5 - this friend sounds like she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not Borderline. I recognise everything you have said in my own parents and siblings who I believe have NPD (among other things). I think it is a bit of a misconception that people with BPD can act like someone with NPD - not that they can't be/appear manipulative and cruel, but I think the difference is in the way that people with NPD are more calculating in their actions, whereas people with BPD tend to do it out of feelings of insecurity. I believe I may be a BPD sufferer (although Vanilla5 has opened up the possibility that I may be an Aspergers sufferer instead) and I know that what I recognise of BPD in myself is intense emotions, feelings of insecurity and being a bit emotionally demanding.

When you say your friend will find you and try and be very apologetic after having done something very mean, selfish, manipulative and cruel to you, this sounds very much like how NPD sufferers try and suck you back in (I believe this is called "Hoovering" from my own research). This is so they can keep you in their life and make you a victim some more, which builds them up. When you say she has a lack of empathy for you, this is also characteristic of NPD - BPD sufferers may lack empathy after a wave of strong emotions, but in general, lack of empathy is not a contributing factor of BPD.

You are right in wanting to break contact. My experience with NPD sufferers is that they will never admit they have a problem, which I think is different in BPD.

To me BPD is more about the needy friend, the one that gets hurt easily and will retreat into their shell, which has been a feature in much of my life. It's true they categorise people into bad and good, like many do with mental illness, but I don't think this comes from a need to be mean, but rather to protect themselves. Often they may categorise someone as good and when that person disappoints them, they shun them and categorise them as bad. NPD is more about building themselves up and knocking others down so they can feel good and secure. In saying this, I can imagine NPD is a very hard thing to deal with too, and even though your friend may be in great denial, she must also be in some sort of emotional pain to act the way she does.

Christopher is right - sometimes it is best to break contact with such people, especially if they do not seek help, but you need to focus on your own journey to mental health for now.

Good luck in your journey and I hope you find some peace in all that you've been through.

[sunshineahead]

Hi, I realize this is almost a year later but I was looking up friends with BPD and came across these posts - please check into the fact that BPD and NPD can go hand in hand - yes, people can have multiple disorders. I am not an expert but have lived, survived, through a mother that was highly npd - she has passed on now; a best friend of 40 years that was highly BPD it turns out and I married a man and lived with him for over 10 years who was Bi-polar and who knows what else I haven't figured out yet - don't want to ... 

After much counseling and soul searching which continues to the day I leave this earth, I understand that I may have some of these traits myself and/or am drawn to people suffering from these illnesses' due to growing up under my mother who had severe issues. 

I wonder how Amanda is doing after almost a year has gone by. I hope she is doing well. I had to stop talking to my own mother at age 45, I divorced my husband and dropped my long-time friendship to get away from all of the crazy stuff that continued to make me spin and it wasn't even my doing - it wasn't my crazy stuff it was theirs - I guess I was trying to help fix things so it would settle down and be some sort of normal but not with all these people in my life lol - no, it's not funny I know!

I would tell you some horror stories but then I might be misunderstood as playing the victim - no, I don't feel like a victim, these were people that I loved that are sick - it's just that I simply can not function in their crazy world again, I do not want to be in the same space as them because my head starts to spin - and I am tired of living out of control. 

I will control myself and my destiny and love myself and my family best I can. Those who are sick will no longer draw me into their craziness. I am sorry but I had to leave them behind. It is sad. I hope you are ok Amanda. I am doing well and looking toward the future ... 

Take care