Friend can't promise me he is safe, should I tell his partner?

[cake-o-saurus]

Hi guys! Please read the whole thing before replying. 🙂

Facing a moral dilemma:

A friend with strong, active suicidal ideation is dreading Monday. He may be sent to prison. He believes that if he is then his life will be over as he will have a criminal record and will never work again. I tried to convince him that SOME people will be willing to hire him, and not just manual labour, but truth be told I know it WILL be tough for him. I think he knows that he is overestimating how bad it will be but at the same time he sort of hates his life right now anyway, so I am not sure he is convinced he has much to live for anyway.

He doesn't really talk to anyone but me about his suicidal thoughts. He is secretive, I only found out because I came to stay with him after an attempt at his life. I have a history of suicide attempts & put him at ease and now he talks to me about it. We check in pretty regularly with each other. I am friends with his husband a really LOVELY guy, but he believes that talking about the thoughts makes them worse. Nothing I could say convinced him otherwise. My friend has tried talking to him before, but it doesn't usually go well.

I made plans with him on Saturday cause he says he can't really hang out with anyone but his husband, since noone else knows about this situation. Unfortunately his husband has a huge exam on the Sunday. I offered to help make the most of his possible last weekend of freedom. He said he would try his best not to kill himself before then.

After Saturday I will probably check in with him on Sunday but it's getting to that point where I feel like I really have to consider going against his will to keep him safe. He lives with his husband and I could easily tell him that I am worried that he will do something. But I really don't want to betray my friend's trust. Right now I am the only one he can talk to about suicide, and I just don't want to isolate him further. My friend will probably never call a service like lifeline, he doesn't want to be safe, he WANTS to die. But I am considering on Saturday telling his husband. I am worried that it will put strain on the marriage as his husband is likely to resent my friend for having this issue right when he has this big exam. I know it sounds cruel but their relationship is complicated.

What would you do in this situation?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Cake-o-saurus, thanks for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums. We're sorry to hear about the difficult situation you and your friend are in. It sounds like they have a lot on their mind lately and we can understand why you are concerned for them. Particularly when they do not have many other people they feel comfortable reaching out too.  If you are finding that the person you are concerned about is having trouble making the steps in keeping themselves safe, there are some steps that you can take to ensure they get the right assistance. Educating them about their options of gaining professional help is one way to support them. A person needing mental health support can get a referral to a mental health professional from a GP/doctor and they can put them on what is called a Mental Health Care Plan which will allow people to have subsidised psychological sessions under Medicare. 

If you feel the person is in a situation of risk of harm or suicide and they are not able to see a GP, you can seek more immediate help for them by contacting their local Mental Health Team at their nearest hospital or support them in attending the Emergency Department. If you feel they are not able to keep themselves safe from acting on their thoughts about suicide or self-harm, this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero) immediately. If you are struggling to make these steps please call us on our 24/7 Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or speak to us on email or Webchat (3pm – 12am) at http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support and we can help connect you to the right support. Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer. 
 

[Aaronsis]

Hi cake-o-saurus

I am so desperately sorry you are in this situation it must be so beyond difficult. What a blessing you are to your friend and you are such a wonderful person to be reaching out for support to help him through this time.

Something I have learnt is that no matter how much we want it and how hard we try we cannot be responsible for another persons life and keep them alive. I know this is so hard to hear and so hard to digest. We can do everything we can but the choice to fight another day is with your friend.

Now in saying that I think you can do everything in your capabilities to help your friend and to keep him safe. I know I would rather have my friend be angry at me for revealing how they were thinking and what they were feeling and have them alive than living with the regret that I didn’t say anything. Even if it costs you the friendship, he is alive and safe.

You may also say this is true for you in that there is always hope and always help and a chance to live without the suicidal thoughts, to live a happy life. What if Monday goes completely differently and does not have to go to prison, this might be the hope he needs in his life to break the cycle of these thoughts. To see there are better days and there is hope.

This is a lot of pressure and stress for you and I am so glad you are reaching out for some support and comfort and to take care of you, I hope that his situation does not impact your mental health and create bad thoughts and feelings for you.

Sophie_M has given you some wonderful advice and some contacts to suggest to your friend, maybe you may need them for you too, we care so much about u so please take care of you too.

So to answer your question... I would ask your friends husband for a coffee as soon as you can and express your concern. It is then up to him what he chooses to do to support your friend. If you feel comfortable to offer to stay over the weekend you might do that but just know you are not responsible for keeping your friend alive..you can do all you can, your friend has to want it too.

I hope you feel our care for you here and I hope to chat to you some more.

Hugs

Sarah