Found my boyfriend is taking antidepressant

[Jasmine18]

Hi, I'm new to this. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a few years. We are not living together. He had been really loving and supportive until November last year when he went distant suddenly. Around Christmas, he took some time off work, I found he became happier and more talkative, but it wasn’t quite the same as before. In the last few weeks, I can feel he has been pulling away again. I was really hurt. He even said at some stage he just wanted to be friends, but would like to help me and support me whenever I needed it. I found his words couldn't add up and I could tell there was something he wasn't telling me. Just a week ago, I noticed he was taking antidepressant. Now everything seems to make sense.

I’m not quite sure what his condition is as he has never mentioned it to me. But he did mention in the past that he gets panic attacks. Work had been quite stressful for him in the past few years. And at the beginning of this year he started working in a new organisation. I have read a lot online about depression and anxiety in the last week and I really want to be there for him. He doesn't have any friends and his family is far away. He tends to keep a lot to himself and very self sufficient. The fact that he’s taking antidepressant is kind of good news as I wasn’t sure if he would want to seek any professional help in situations like this.

We used to text each other a lot everyday when we are apart. But now he has stopped texting me to say hi. When I text him, he responds, but wouldn't say much. He just doesn't sound like the happy, funny guy I used to text to. He has also stopped showing affection. When I'm with him, he acts quite normally (he even laughs sometimes), and we still have sex, but I can tell he doesn't want to be emotionally intimate.

As he has never mentioned to me he has depression and/or anxiety, I'm not sure if it is appropriate to start a conversation about it bluntly, or should I be more gentle? Also I'm not sure what to do in general. Should I just accept the way he is right now? Is it ok to ask for more affection? I know I need to be strong and not take anything personally, but still, when he is so distant it hurts and makes me doubt his love for me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[Jasmine18]

Hi BHG, just wanted to add, pls don't blame yourself about the effect on your BF and your relationship. We know it's not your fault! I'm so glad that your BF is there for you!

[Jasmine18]

I feel so frustrated and don't know what to do. It has been over a month since I found out my boyfriend is taking ADs. When I told him I noticed he's taking medication, he got a bit upset with me and said I was invading his privacy. He doesn't want to talk about it at all, nor does he accepts any help from me. The good thing is he agrees to meet me once a week at the moment. But every time when he meets me, he pretends everything is fine. I can tell he tries hard to be the normal himself. When we are not together though he hardly returns my texts (we used to text each other a lot when not together). I doesn't even like me asking him if he's feeling better. He wants to be left alone. What should I do? How do I make him realise having me on board would help him recover?

[Croix]

Dear Jasmine18~

I know it is very frustrating for you, and of course at the back of your mind is the worry about if the relationship is as strong as it was.

I guess if he knows you are going to be there for him and he has no doubt of that then you are probably doing the best thing you can already. If he is withdrawing due to depression as I was then constant discussion of the matter will only put more pressure on him - as it did for me.

If you can arrange to simply do things you both enjoy when you meet, anything from zoos to movies depending on your tastes, then he may feel more comfortable and relaxed. Trying to get him to enjoy himself (and you too of course)

Croix

[Jasmine18]

It has been almost 5 months since i found out my boyfriend has depression/anxiety and has been taking ADs. I'm not sure if this is common. He is definitely better than before, in a better mood and behaves more normally, but he is still not the person he used to be. He used to be quite talkative, cheeky and charming. He used to care about me a lot. Now apart from seeing each other once a week, we hardly talk to each other. He never texts me unless I text him and if I text him too often, he gets annoyed. What bothers me most is he is not showing any affection towards me and doesn't want to be intimate. With him looking better, the longer it goes on, the more I doubt if he is still actually interested in me or the relationship.

Ever since he has had depression, I found it is really hard to talk to him. He doesn't want to talk about his depression. It is really difficult for me to know how he actually feels and what is on his mind. I'd like to support him as much as I can, but he always gives the impression that he doesn't want my help. And the thought of him no longer wanting me is very upsetting. I'd like to know if the way he's behaving normal with people taking ADs. Should I keep being positive about our relationship?

[smallwolf]

Jasmine18,

I started with one medication and changed to another. Different medications can have different side effects. Not sure if relates to all, or just the one I started on, but they dial(ed) down all emotions, or level out all my emotions. In reducing sadness (for example) it also reduces happiness.

On talking about it.... I find it hard to talk to my wife about it. Part of me does not want to worry her or add my burdens onto her. However I need to remember that we need to separate perceptions from reality. What I am getting at is that I need to make sure that I speak with my wife on what I am thinking etc. so that she knows where I am coming from. Again, it does not matter if my thoughts are irrational, they exist. This is particularly the case when I am a all or nothing, one thing fails equal total failure (in my mind).

So to answer your questions, considering that I am not an expert in this area...

• the effects could be normal for him
• I (purely subjective thinking here) think that he does need to be more open with you so that you can find a way forward together? You might need to have a conversation with him about this. I am quite certain that you care very much for him (and you might need to re-iterate this point)
• All people are unique, those with the depression and those without. Try to remain positive. But there may come a point when you think the relationship is all one way. If this is case, you should also make this known to him so that he is aware of the effect his actions are having on the relationship. You can then decide what to do. I would expect my wife to do this with me. Again, all people are unique and might/will react differently.

I hope this sheds some light on the problem and answers some of your questions. All the best.

Tim

[Doolhof]

Hi Jasmine18.

AD medication can affect us all differently. Do you know the name of the medication he is taking or could you ask him? You could Google the medication and read the side effects list. It is a comprehensive list, so don't think your boyfriend has everything that is listed!

The medication does help with the depression but can have its own issues.

I don't believe that any of us can be the same person we were 6 months ago. Life changes. We change. We do the best we can, challenges in life can change us.

If possible, an open discussion with your boyfriend would be beneficial.

All the best, cheers from Dools

[Jasmine18]

Thanks Tim and Dools for the suggestions and insight. I love him a lot and I really want to be there for him, but I also feel the relationship will eventually fail if he will be like this forever. If he could let me know what's in his mind, it would be much easier for rme. While him not wanting to talk makes it hard, I'll keep trying to make the communiction as open as possible.

[Doolhof]

Hi Jasmine,

It does sound like you love your boyfriend very much. Depression is a hard thing to understand and comprehend at times for the sufferer and those around them. Maybe your boyfriend is struggling a little to understand it all himself.

My husband doesn't always like to talk about how he is feeling, than now and then he wants me to listen to him for hours.

When I am not coping very well some days, I will let my husband know so he realises I am not having such a pleasant time of things. He sometimes makes suggestions for what might help or I will read a book, go for a walk or do something that will distract me and help me.

Hopefully you will be able to have some open communication and discussion. It is not always getting answers when someone is really, really depressed though! I find that a difficult time to talk and to react effectively.

Cheers to you both from Dools

[Jasmine18]

Hi Dools,

I really appreciate your responses. Unfortunately, yesterday my boyfriend has told me he has started seeing someone else and no longer wants to see me. I feel betrayed. All this time I have been trying so hard to support him so that he wouldn't feel left alone, then he dumped me! I'm not sure if his decision has anything with his depression, but he did sound better recently when I met him. I just feel really hurt and don't know what to say or think.

Jasmine

[Croix]

Dear Jasmine~

I'm very sorry it has come to this. You are a loving person and put so much of yourself into that relationship it must be terribly hard to think he did not value it the same. It's very unfair.

Looking at own experience when my depression was better I returned to a loving relationship and tried to make up for the bad times. Depression did not make me want to search elsewhere, though I guess it strikes different people in different ways.

As you say it is hard to know what to think, I'm sure while it might have been completely genuine there are some who might use depression as an excuse to end a relationship. Being reluctant to talk and getting annoyed if you contact him too often could simply have been he could no longer be bothered.

If that was the case it would be a very cruel way of doing things, letting you care and keep on trying to support him like that.

When something like this happens one ends up full of not only grief but also self-doubt. Is it possible for you to take a break from your normal routine and do something to distract you and steer your mind away from all this? A family member or friend to talk wiht might be good too

You have an awful lot to offer a partner and I realy hope hte next one appreciates and cares for you as you deserve.

Croix