Found my boyfriend is taking antidepressant

[Jasmine18]

Hi, I'm new to this. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a few years. We are not living together. He had been really loving and supportive until November last year when he went distant suddenly. Around Christmas, he took some time off work, I found he became happier and more talkative, but it wasn’t quite the same as before. In the last few weeks, I can feel he has been pulling away again. I was really hurt. He even said at some stage he just wanted to be friends, but would like to help me and support me whenever I needed it. I found his words couldn't add up and I could tell there was something he wasn't telling me. Just a week ago, I noticed he was taking antidepressant. Now everything seems to make sense.

I’m not quite sure what his condition is as he has never mentioned it to me. But he did mention in the past that he gets panic attacks. Work had been quite stressful for him in the past few years. And at the beginning of this year he started working in a new organisation. I have read a lot online about depression and anxiety in the last week and I really want to be there for him. He doesn't have any friends and his family is far away. He tends to keep a lot to himself and very self sufficient. The fact that he’s taking antidepressant is kind of good news as I wasn’t sure if he would want to seek any professional help in situations like this.

We used to text each other a lot everyday when we are apart. But now he has stopped texting me to say hi. When I text him, he responds, but wouldn't say much. He just doesn't sound like the happy, funny guy I used to text to. He has also stopped showing affection. When I'm with him, he acts quite normally (he even laughs sometimes), and we still have sex, but I can tell he doesn't want to be emotionally intimate.

As he has never mentioned to me he has depression and/or anxiety, I'm not sure if it is appropriate to start a conversation about it bluntly, or should I be more gentle? Also I'm not sure what to do in general. Should I just accept the way he is right now? Is it ok to ask for more affection? I know I need to be strong and not take anything personally, but still, when he is so distant it hurts and makes me doubt his love for me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Jasmine18~

It can be a very worrying and confusing time when someone you care for has anxiety or depression or both, so coming here is a good move as you can find how others (on both sides) have coped.

I guess the first thing you need to do is find out what you are dealing with. There is no reason not to talk to your boyfriend and be quite straight about it. I'm sure you can do this in a gentle and caring way. If you know he is taking ADs that is a starting point of sorts.

Speaking from personal experience it is isolating and wearing to put on a mask and pretend everything is OK. If he is like me he may find sharing a relief.

I doubt you would finish the conversation all in one go, it might take a long time. Similarly you may not find the right approach straight away. My wife supported me, but without a personal history of mental illness she had no experience to draw on and basically used trial and error. That worked fine, it was motivated by care.

There is no need to try to fix anything or offer helpful suggestions. Just saying you are there for him is fine. I tend to get annoyed when offered logical views and fixes, as they simply indicate the person does not really understand.

Most people would like to know what is the best sort of support to give. Well encouraging the person to make good use of medical resources, GPs, psychologists and psychiatrists, is worth doing. Other than that simply asking him what else he's like might be best. Being there and sharing activities can be good though one can't force the issue.

It is very understandable for you to feel hurt as he is not the same person as before and also there is a strong temptation to think the change is a result of something you have done, or that he has moved on and no longer cares. This is not necessarily the case, but depression or anxiety taking over.

I'm simply unsure about asking for more affection. Again looking at myself I could not deal with that when really depressed. As I improved I wanted to show love and affection -plus gratitude off my own bat. I'd think if you became a source of pressure in this regard it might be counter-productive.

Please feel you can come here and ask whatever you would like, we will be here and do care

Croix

[Jasmine18]

Thank you so much Croix. It is so good to hear from someone who has had the experience! What you said is very useful. And your support means a lot to me. I have read some of the posts on the forum. I'm so glad I have come to this place. It is such a supportive community!

My boyfriend sounds and act almost normal when I'm with him, except he's not showing as much affection. But when we are apart, I hardly hear from him nowadays. Is it a normally behaviour of someone with depression or Anxiety? If so, what is the reason?

[Croix]

Dear Jasmine18~

I'm glad coming here is useful.

Look, I can't really answer your question as I don't know your BF. All I can say is firstly when I was in the grip of depression I felt the world was all too much and retired from it where I could. This meant among other things not initiating more contact with anyone than I had to.

The other thing was that I did try hard to put on a normal appearance. Probably not very convincingly but something. This was for several reasons, I could fool myself things were not too bad, I could prevent those I loved from worrying - or so I thought - and also it saved me from having to answer questions and deal with my condition.

Perhaps it might be something along those lines, I don't know. I guess you will form an opinion when talking with him over time.

Croix

[Jasmine18]

Dear Croix, thanks again. I haven't seen my BF in the last two days. Every time when I asked how he was going, he always said fine, while I know he's not. He still doesn't like me texting him often. You made a good point that it is not going to be just one conversation. It was not something I'd thought of. I can now sense it's going to take a long time. But no doubt, I'll be there for him. I know he needs me. So I need to stay strong and positive myself. Thank you again for your useful advice!

[smallwolf]

Jasmine18,

I feel for you... I truly do. I know you are trying to help but we inadvertently push you away. Let me give you an example from my own life. I have been seeing a psych since Oct 2017. My issues have been around since high school however. Anyway, I "know" (think) that my wife has enough issues to deal with, and therefore should not have deal with my problems also. And therefore I clam up, which can make the situation worse. There is the odd occasion when my wife recognises my depression, but otherwise I do a good job of hiding it. In reality I should lean on her. I cannot remember when, but we went a cafe in the shopping center, and I then explained what I was going through. Like you she wants to help (me). But sometimes we don't have the words to explain what we feeling. At the moment, all I think you can do is tell him that you love him, and want to help him or be there for him. There are also documents somewhere on this site for partners... read those also. Best of luck

[Jasmine18]

Thank you smallwolf. It's frustrating that he keeps me at arm length when I know he actually needs me. I have told him I'll always be there for him. It has been almost 4 months since the first time he was suddenly pulling away from me. I can't stop feeling hurt although I know it is his condition, not him. It's so good to get insight from someone who had depression in the past. Thank you again.

[smallwolf]

Jasmine18,

Have you looked on the beyond blue web site for information for partners? From google you should be search for...

Friends and family who are supporting someone with depression or anxiety

and you should find links to pages on this site (beyond blue) that will provide you with additional information as a partner. (I cannot provide any direct links. Sorry.) The information will be informational for you, and things you can do to help.

Again, keep re-assuring your partner you care, and are there for them. Or can you invite him out for a coffee and a chat?

[brownhairedgirl]

Hi Jasmine18,

It's wonderful you're trying to help your BF who is having a tough time. Not everyone would stick around so you must love him very much.

i'm struggling with things myself right now and i know it is having a negative effect on my BF and our relationship. Knowing that i'm causing this negativity too is adding to my bad feelings about myself, so the cycle continues.

From my experience when i'm feeling really low and i'm all locked up inside and unable to express what i'm feeling, i crave for my boyfriend to just hold my hand, touch my arm or something like that.

Discreet, not making a fuss or anything. It reassures me he's there and i'm not alone.

Just be there for him. It truly helps. Try asking questions that don't have one word answers to encourage him to start talking.

i find i'm screaming inside my head and want to tell him everything because i love him and i know he loves me too but i'm frozen and something blocks me and i can't get the words out.

There are some good conversation starter and question ideas in the Get Support tab at the top of this page.

BHG

[Jasmine18]

Thank you BHG and smallwolf. Yes, I have read the information on this website and found lots of very useful tips. I have read some other websites too. My BF is not wanting to see me often so I'm only seeing him once a week at the moment. When I see him, I'll try to talk to him again and try to encourage him to open up, even just a little bit.