First time dealing with partners PTSD - any advice that might make sense?

[ozmunro]

Hi, I've joined this forum in desperate help to be able to understand what's happening to my partner and my life.... 

I'm in a relatively new relationship but love this beautiful man with all my heart. He opened up about a trauma in his late teens and that he's had PTSD.... maybe he should have said..... At times still suffers... So everything has been wonderful and then out of the blue he cut himself off from me, stopped phone contact Andrews message became anything from normal to quite nasty which is not him at all.... This has gone on for almost a week, he finally answered my call and I got out of him that it was PTSD and he just needed some time and he'd get through it. He had assured me it's not me or anything I've done. He has been to the dr and got medication and also saw a councillor.

 i saw him today for this first time since Tuesday and then he didn't want to be touched at all and wasn't himself, today he seemed very anxious yet emotionless, he says he can't explain it and he doesn't understand it... Well, that makes two of us.... I might get a few messages that seem like he's himself and then they'll change or he will stop contact again... He's varely left his house all week and I'm getting really concerned. 

I am devastated that he is clearly not himself yet there's nothing I can do. 

i don't understand what's happening... Do I just be patient and wait, tell him I here when he's ready? Will this just pass? He said it normally only lasts a few days but this time it's harder... He said he has no idea what triggered it. This is breaking my heart, I'm sad, confused and don't know what I should do..... I have encouraged him to see the councillor again this week. 

[Jacko777]

Hi ozmunro.

I am glad you have posted to the Beyond Blue forums. I am sorry to hear about this confusing time you are having, you will find support and advice here.

I think you are doing the right things, letting him know that you are there for him would help him a lot and airing your concern would only be natural. Encouraging him to see his/a counselor as you have is the best thing you can do. If you felt like it you could offer to go with him?

It sounds like he has awareness of his condition, a counselor will help him to find what triggered this episode and how to avoid it in the future. I can understand that you are sad and confused, as you say, he isn't himself. The way I see it, a part of him has reacted to a trigger, his PTSD blocks an appropriate response. The good bits of him are still there but he is challenged to process some of his thoughts, he is reacting out of this disorder. With help and support he can go a long way to fixing this. It's not your fault and it's not his.

Don't hesitate to ring the BB phone service if you need some professional advice, could be a really good thing for you right now. Love to you.

Jacko

[geoff]

dear Ozmunro, PTSD is a lingering on what has happened in the past which has had a sufficient effect on him, and I would be really interested if you know why, what and how it all began.

There are different ways on how to treat PTSD which you could be involved in helping him such as cognitive therapy, and other therapies plus desensitization therapy, so I wonder if he is able to talk to you about it.

You could also do as Jacko said contact BB 24/7 line, but hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Chris_B]

Hi ozmunro,

Welcome to the forums. PTSD is often discussed here on the forums, both from a partner's perspective, and from the perspective of the person experiencing it. Below are some threads you should find helpful, feel free to reach out to members in these threads:

Partner with PTSD

Living with someone with PTSD & anxiety

Help for my PTSD partner

PTSD, Anxiety, Disassociation, I'm not sure I want to do this anymore

PTSD from violence, abuse, grief and traumatic events

PTSD and now secondary depression

PTSD from an anaesthesia awareness trauma

Newbie PTSD

Bullying and my PTSD

PTSD, anxiety and no support

I have PTSD, I can't cope anymore

[ozmunro]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, it's greatly appreciated. I feel like I've tried all I can and now it's just about giving him time and hope he will come around. I did offer to go to the councillor, either go in or just drive him, whatever he felt comfortable with. He phoned yesterday and seemed like his old self then he found out I called his dad out of concern and hasn't talked to me again.... My own anxiety has been increased with all the stress of this... I'm not sure where to from here or just leave it. I just feel like by leaving it, I'm deserting him?

 His PTSD is a result of an armed hold up but I dare say recent stress might have been the cause. 

[Jacko777]

Hi ozmunro,

Sounds to me like 'recent stress' may have been the trigger, the PTSD is the cause of his inability to cope, this is something that he can recover from with help and time. You love him, if you have something to tell him, send him a text, keeping in mind that his reply might come from his depressed state.

Good on you for offering to go to the counselor. I hope you can look after yourself through this, ring the BB phone service or see a counselor, ensure that you are taking control of your anxiety, it is a stressful time and you should make sure you are looking after your own mental health. Love to you both.

Jacko

[ozmunro]

Hi guys.... Well, things went from bad to worse. He has decided to go overseas fo 10 weeks as he's lots of friends in England. He's still not had a conversion and is now trying to say I'm making this about me when the whole time I've been nothing but supportive. Why is he doing is? Only that his behaviour is so out of character I'd think he was just trying to brush me off but I avnt be,I've he would run away like this and leave me with no answers and especially leave his children.

 he went overseas last time this happened to, I'm wondering if I am, best to just call it a day and walk away despite the love I have for him? I'm not coping with what is happening and my life having so many unanswered questions from someone who loved me more than ever. 

[Jacko777]

Hi ozmunro,

I am glad you posted. 

Some tough decisions for you to make mate, we are here for you anytime.

I think this is possibly a plan, maybe subconscious, by your partner to divert his attention from his mental health condition, he has done it before. He might find some happiness overseas but he will still need appropriate long term treatment to reduce the impacts of his condition. It might be difficult to understand his reasoning for 'running away' and leaving his children, this is possibly his response to his disorder and doesn't come from perfectly clear thinking, out of character as you say. I wonder what kind of therapy his councilor is suggesting...

Someone can correct me if they wish but I reckon there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, in fact often they are highly challenging. It is a constant compromise between how much you can give and how much you can take. So if you decide that you want to persist then you could find the compassion for your partner and his situation, 10 weeks could go by pretty quick, he might come back happy and ready to rock. Sounds like you guys love each other a lot.

Then there is you. Only you can decide how much you are prepared to take for this relationship. It's a decision that most of us have to make at some point, I guess we draw a line somewhere, we demand a certain amount of love and respect, go below the line and it's over. The line is in sand, occasionally you might rub it out and make it lower for a while, find some more compassion and understanding because you care about your partner's condition, give it your best, move the line back up when your partner is better.

Try your best to keep communicating with him and see if he can answer your questions. Whatever you decide please know that you can find support here or on the BB phone service. 

Jack