Feel so lost, l dont know what to do

[love_of_baking]

Hi everyone,

My partner has severe depression and l dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to lose him but I'm not sure if I'm coping too well. Im not the best with words in stressful situations so never know what to say to him half the time and when he is really having a bad day I get so emotional and cant help but cry, I try my best to not let him see because I dont want to make him feel any worse but I cant stop myself from crying no matter how hard l try. I just hate that he has to go through this.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, my emotions are just killing me today

[MickeyM]

Hi there. My heart goes out to you, it's awesome that you're so supportive but it shouldn't be at your expense.

Please, contact your GP and discuss this. You need just as much support as your partner, both of you are important. It's really hard, I know, I've been there too. (Both sides, being a support for a family member with bi-polar, as well as looking for my husband's support with my anxiety). It's a hard place, and you need your own support, independent of your partner's. Doesn't mean that you don't care, or anything like that, just that there is help available to you, too.

Please see your GP, ask for a referral for counseling. And keep checking in here, we're here for you.

Mickey

[geoff]

Good morning, it's never easy to talk with someone you love when they have depression, especially when you uncomfortable in trying to discuss anything that he feels is making him depressed, that's definitely not your fault, you have to be trained in discussing any of this, and even if you have gone through it yourself, still doesn't make it any easier.
Can I suggest that you go and see your doctor and get a referral to see a psychologist and discuss this particular topic, because what's now happening is that you are falling into the same black hole that he is in, and by having two people suffer from this illness at the same time, could mean that your jobs may suffer, bills could not be paid and your social life will finish.
Would it also be possible for you to click on 'Get Support' and scroll down to 'Publications to download' which will provide you with information about depression, what it's like and what you can do, plus there are other sites under the Get Support that may interest you.
I think by seeking help for yourself will hopefully make you a little stronger, because at the moment that doesn't seem to be, and that isn't your fault at all, as it's very difficult to help someone you love through depression, as it's such a powerful illness, that just blocks off them off from communicating.
Words aren't easy to find when you want to talk with him, because it just seems as though he is not listening, and yes sometimes this will happen and doesn't seem to register with him, but the more you learn from what I've suggested the better you will be to talk with him.
Appointments need to be kept as well as taking any medication, so I hope you can get well first, so that you are able to help him. Geoff.

[MickeyM]

Hi there

Just checking in on you

[love_of_baking]

Thanks for your replies and for checking up on me.

I haven't had the courage to do anything just yet and may have just tried to push it aside for the moment which provably isnt the best idea.

One thing I want to ask him is maybe to go back to his doctors to explore more options because he is on a very high dose of anti depressants but he still gets really down ( I'm not trying to sound like an expert but thought that they would do something small atleast to help him feel better)

He does drink heavily sometimes for a break and to try feel normal and one thing he said to me when he was drinking which broke my heart alittle was: l drink too much sometimes to feel normal like everyone else, every day I feel like shit and I hate it. I'm never happy and feel like im a burden to my parents, my brother has his wife and kids and he is happy so why am I like this. I dont want to feel like this anymore I just want to be a normal person.

Without sounding selfish and I feel terrible for saying it but I felt sad because I am here for him to love and support him but I'm not sure if he sees that. I also dont know if he can have strong emotional feelings for me like I do him.

This is why I'm here to hopefully get some unbiased advice .

[MickeyM]

Hi love of baking

Its great to hear from you.

I think it's worth him talking to his doctor about his medication, the doctor needs to know if it's the right medication for him.

Youre post makes sense-his brother is happy because he has a wife and kids, yet your partner isn't happy although your there for him to love, too.

Please don't think this is a reflection on you. Anxiety and depression are illnesses and while life choices and support from family and friends is needed, medication and/or counseling is also needed. It really is awesome that you're there to support your partner, and this next part is really hard, but you are not responsible for this. It is not your job to "help". Support him, yes, love him, yes, look after (generally speaking), yes. But you also need to look after you. You need your support network, too.

Take care & chat soon.

[love_of_baking]

If anyone has read my recent posts I've been in a relationship for just over 6 months, my partner has depression and one of his loves is fishing, he feels at peace when near the water and I've seen it when I've gone with him. I dont fish myself but I'll say we should go because I know he gets happy and I love seeing him like that, I'm happy to sit and watch and chat with him. All I want to see is that smile on his face and the happiness in his eyes.

He just got a new car which can tow his boat better which is great that he can go more often but I just broke down before because in my head I'm thinking now he can go all the time maybe he will realise he doesnt need me anymore and would rather choose that over seeing me. In every relationship I've been in I never feel like I'm good enough for anyone to want to keep me in their life. He makes me feel special most of the time, not so much when hes down but makes up for it other times.

I always try to lift other people up and find the positives when I can and always wish the best for people but I cant seem to do it for myself.

I feel so stupid for posting this but I can't help whats going through my head sometimes.

Is this normal thinking? Am I being selfish? How do I change the way I think?

[MickeyM]

Hi love of baking

Wanting to love and being loved is not selfish...it's human.

I totally understand your concern about fishing, my husband loves to fish, I don't. I love reading, and at one time I romanticized about joining him on the boat with my book while he fished...except that I got so queasy I didn't do it again! Honestly, fishing bores me to tears, but I get how much he loves it. I have to admit, I do like it when we have fresh fish for dinner. We have an understanding that I don't want to see or touch what he's caught until it's cleaned, cooked and on a plate!

At times, though, I felt like I was the last person he wanted to see, that I wasn't as high on his priorities like he is for me. Then I realized that throughout everything, it's me he wants to be with at the end of the day. I feel like I need him more than he needs me, and then I realized that it's not that he doesn't need me, it's that he loves me.

I've also struggled with low self esteem, taking things personally. It's hard not to, when a relationship goes south. It's hard when you feel like your partner lets you down. We did relationship counseling a few years back, and one thing that really hit a chord with us was our own expectations on things. Weve both realized how different we are-I like to plan, he's a lot more spontaneous.

We went on a trip a few years back, and I wanted to plan everything, (it's how I roll), whereas my husband finds this a bit suffocating. I learnt to let go a bit, and trust him, long story short, we had a great time. No plans, no bookings, just pack the car and go. My counselor at the time highlighted to me that not having a plan worked. (This is after I told him how much I struggled without a plan!) We joke about it now.

The whole point of this story is to reassure you that you're not selfish, you're human and that we each have different ways of doing things, and it can work, with honest, open communication about what's important to each of you, so your individual needs are met.

Chat soon