Everything thing I say is wrong to my daughter 26 who suffers depression. I want to help her but don't know how.

[Naokev]

My daughter 26 has been diagnosed with depression and ptsd about 5 years ago. When she gets really depressed and I attempt to help her it usually ends up with her telling me I don.t understand and that I am no help to her at all. I keep trying but don't know what the right thing to say is. Any suggestions are met with contempt and anger. I really want to help and after 5 years I'm still not getting it right.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. Now I have depression and anxiety but whereas your daughter expresses her feelings I let them grow inside me. Now suppose my wife says something to me and I am already in a low mood the feeling gets worse - I am unsure how I would react without depression. I suspect that in me it is easy to look at myself as the bad person or its my fault.

So there are good resources on the website for supporting someone who has a mental health issue which you might want to read.

I think that at least for myself the reaction is a result of depression and not how I feel about my wife. Could it be similar for your daughter?

I am curious how you attempt to help her.

For me the best help is to just listen.

Tim

[geoff]

Hello Naokev, thanks for posting your comment.

There are different stages before depression where the family are able to help, in the very stages, where the member is 'having a downtime' and before it sets in, but once it does, then you are only able to support them in their journey, this isn't the case all the time, as it depends on the relationship.

With depression, there is a feeling of isolation, so many thoughts go back and forth which can't be answered, or maybe, but in a different way each time or many times our minds are just blank, so it's difficult for a helping person to know how they are feeling, and even if they do it could still be rejected.

If too many questions are asked to your daughter, that's when she may close up, someone with depression dislikes having to answer questions you could be trying to find out, she will talk when she's ready.

I know your heart is wanting to help and really want to apologise but this illness is not what anyone would ever wish for.

Can I ask what she is doing, the more we know the more help we can give you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Naokev,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post. I'm really glad that you're here telling us this given how hard I'm imagining it is. You obviously care for your daughter very much and it must be defeating to hear that you're no help to her at all.

Like the others said, it would be good to hear your experiences and then maybe we can try and unpack them, but if you're not ready or willing to share that that's okay too.

I will say this though: you won't always get it right, and that's okay. There may not be a right thing to ever say or do, because she's right in that you don't understand. With depression, even though it's quite universal, nobody ever really understands because it's our own experiences and our own heads. Everyone here could talk to your daughter, and everyone here would probably get it wrong. Please try to remember this and not to take it personally.

I wonder if instead of suggestions, you could go with questions. "How can I help?" "What can I do?" "Is there anything I say or do that makes things better or worse?" or (what I think can be most powerful) "Can I sit here with you?". Being able to sit with someone and not trying to fix it is one of the hardest things anyone can do, but I also think it's one of the most powerful things anyone can do. Knowing that someone is there, someone cares and someone's okay just to be there can be very comforting.

I hope that this helps a little. Like Tim said there are so many resources out there available to you.

RT

[Mil]

Hi Naokev,

Thank you for your post, it really resonated with me. My partner suffers from depression (among other things) and though we are now much better at communicating around it, it was very tricky at first and there are still days where I feel I can only say the wrong things.

First off I think it's important to state that your trying is already a lot - even if she rejects it, knowing that you are still there with her, trying to understand, is already something.

Then on what to say or do, it's going to be different for everyone (and sometimes from day to day), but one thing I've realised is how much communication ON GOOD DAYS is important too. When my girlfriend is in a bad place it becomes much harder for her to tell (or even know) what's wrong. It's a bit like she's in tunnel and all the bad thoughts are echoing, making it hard to understand her feelings and even harder to try to explain them. It's also very draining and frustrating for her, so she might become apathetic or snappy. But she's not in that state all the time, and sometimes when she is feeling reflective or more positive, we are able to have conversations around:

- What she is feeling: usually either angry/frustrated, sad/desperate or empty/dissociated. In her case, self-harm can be an issue so we've agreed on code words for her to try to indicate the level of intensity without having to "phrase" it. You could try making codes with your daughter, like colours for different feelings? But basically, don't be afraid to ask & listen on good days

- What she can do to help herself: identifying ways to calm down, ground herself or even simply distract herself. When she's down, it can be harder to remember these things help. It's good to know what they are to encourage her to do them regularly, or to know what could bring her comfort in a deep low (even something as simple as a cup of tea, a blanket, something that smells good...).

- What I can do to help: this is a tricky one because my first instinct is to try to make it better for her, but I can't. She has to make it better for herself. What I can do is basically "checking in" (asking how she feels without pressing, letting her know I'm here if she needs) and "monitoring" (asking/listening if she's responsive, preventing self-harm). It seems easy but it's hard!

Every situation is different and I'm no pro (a lot of this comes from trial&error + therapy) but I hope it can give you some ideas. Please remember to take care of yourself, too!

Mil