Did he fall out of love because of his depression

[Deja_Vu]

My boyfriend left me. We've been together for nearly 3 years. He was my best friend. I love him so much.
Througout 2018 he was depressed. The worst parts were in may june and novemember. We had a lovely christmas

This all started since he started talking about how he intentionally pushes people away, doesnt understand why anyone would have anything to do with him, and how he bullies people out of liking him and away from him. I told him ive noticed the ladder and i asked him if he could stop it and he said "no".
Turns out its because he doesnt want to talk with me anymore, he wants nothing to do with me and that he hasnt wanted to spend time with me for 3 to 4 months. He would have been in a bad place when he stopped liking me.

I asked him if he cares about me: "I dont really care about anything"
Asked if he cared about me as a friend: "I dont know". Asked him if he trusted me: "i guess". I asked him if keeping our relationship up was too much emotional effort and he said "yep". He said he stopped liking me. Asked him if he loved me: "I cant say i do anymore". He said he cant do anything about the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. Concerning our relationship, he tried to keep it going for aslong as he could but he cant.

He doesn't understand why im upset. He doesn't care that i'll miss him and that i dont want to loose him. He used to be adoring and caring but since christmas, he has been unsympathetic, uninterested (ik he's not cheating), critical and judgemental. I thought it was just because he was depressed (he acts like this when depressed) but he says he's happy because he doesnt care about anything anymore.

He said he only wants to talk to me and care about me when he's stoned. He smokes pot to deal with his issues temporially. When he's stoned he loves me. He's a trainwreck.
I knew him before he was depressed and we were very close friends. Sure he had issues but it was never as bad as it was in 2018. He was smart and sharp and funny. He has a bad family background. No father and the only relationships that have been modeled to him are loveless and dysfunctional. He pretty much raised himself from age 11 upwards. That might make me sound like a fixer upper but im not.

He promised me that if he misses me or wants to reconnect that he will. He promised me that if he needs me he'll reconnect. He promised that he will talk to me. Is there any hope for improvement or another relationship?
Did he fall out of love because of his issues or ?

[Deja_Vu]

I wanted to give an update to this post and talk about isolation

We sorted everything out and everything went back to how it had been normally and there was a week of clarity in march where he was happy and like his old self. He loved me like he used to again.

But then recently it happened again. He said he cared about me and liked me. He said he loved me but that he wasn't i love. It's like he unbottles all his frustrations and he was very sorry afterwards and it was like another moment of clarity where he loved me and he was happy.



Aside from that, he's started the process of getting help 🙂
Doctors said he had severe depression and i hope from now on both for him and the relationship, that things will improve.


Sure he is isolating himself from me (so not talking to me for a few days and then everything goes back to normal) because apparently i am make him "feel like s**t" according to him. I don't think it's my fault but I've been doing some reflecting. I try my best to be there for him and help him and support him. To me it seems like i'm not causing it, he just feels that way but he's pinning it on me since im a constant in his life. He never told me any specific way that i make him feel awful.
It reminds me of last year when he isolated himself for a month. Blocked me and vanished. He told me later that he had done this because he thought i was reason for why he felt so awful and miserable. And nothing changed. The issues were and are still there since i wasn't the reason. He's been doing the vanishing thing again. (I just want to state to anyone reading that he is 100% not cheating)



I just don't know what to do or how to act or what to think. Should i just sit tight and wait for things to get better and let him fix his issues on his own or? Also i don't know what to do when he isolates himself

I don't know, its just really taxing but at least things will get better id hope

[Deja_Vu]

I just wanted to add that there is a chance that he's mistaking lust and infatuation with love

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

There is no real quick answer to your worries, the only high spot to come out of your last post is that your bf is now seeking help. Before he was simply using weed.

When Depression and a couple of other things hit me I wanted to be alone, did not understand what was happening and was so away from myself that it was like standing on one side of a glass wall looking at me and my life on the other . Not a good place for a relationship. No affection.

There was a difference though, I still cared about my partner (even if I did not realise it) and never saw her as the cause of any troubles. In fact she was very prone to blame herself -which was completely unjust.

What do you think of the idea of giving this some more time now that he is seeing his doctor, and trying to involve yourself as far as he will let you with his treatment? Also ensure he tells his doctor about the weed, as it can really alter the effects of any medications -and not for the better.

I'd also suggest you put a time limit on things, which may sound a bit cold-hearted, however a relationship that is going hopefully to last a big chunk of your life does need to have a balance and someone you can rely upon.

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

Thank you

I have had issues but never depression so I've never experienced what he's experiencing.

He cares about me and likes me and loves me but only in the moment. It used to bother me that he was giving me no affection but then it clicked that it was from the depression. And it still bothers me but now I understand why its gone

Thank you for the weed medication info. Yea i will involve myself as much as he allows me. I really hope everything works out. 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

I've no wise words, who does? The think I don't like is he seems to see you as someone to blame, the thing I do like is he now has medical support.

I do know he is/was lucky to have someone that cares so much.

I know you said you were going to get medical support for yourself, which is good, how about in your life? Is there a family member or freind to stand by, support and care? There is something especially horrible about waiting and wondering alone.

Croix

[Deja_Vu]

Thank you

I think he's blaming me but its because he might be confused about he's feeling. Like I don't feel at fault and I know I havn't done anything bad or anything which would justify him blaming me.

I'm talking about this with friends aswell. So i do have support myself.

I think everything will work out in the long run

[Deja_Vu]

A "short" update
He messaged me
"Hey man im sorry ive not been around
Ive been dealing with sh*t and some **** ****** up rn but ill be back in a matter of days"

And as much as it made me happy, made me not anxious that he's ignoring me because of something i did or something. I'm a big worrier and in the last few days I've been assuming the worst concerning his motivations. I'm always scared that his isolation is going to be permanent or a month long. I've also started the process of dealing with anxiety. I'm also worried about him. I have no idea what happened. It could be family chaos, isolating or both but either way, the message is such a big weight off my shoulders. I hope he's alright man.

I also wish he'd told me he loved me but I know with him messaging + depression that beggers can't be choosers. I know he loves me when he feels good. When he's in a period of clarity, he's head over heels again but that never lasts long. And i just want him to love me and care and want me. And there was a week where he did love me (right before he vanished) and have feelings for me but yea. I cant enjoy special songs we had anymore (or at least while he's not in a moment of clarity) since they remind me that he doesn't love me completely.

Like when it's a moment of clarity and happiness, all i get from is unconditional support love and care but they might crop up for a week or two every month and then the rest of the time, he's in a place of severe depression.

I know when he's in a good place, he does want me and care for me and loves me but yea man

I know everything will be good and okay in the end. It always does. He'll get help and get his life back together and he'll be happy again. Our relationship will be fixed and while he's in this patch, he'll get nothing but love and support from me

[Deja_Vu]

Another update
So he came back, he said wasn't doing good so he figured he'd just leave me alone. He he said he also did self care. When he came back I asked him if the relationship is back to normal and he said yes. He also said I love you back.


One thing he said to me was that he never has anything to say to me and that its unique to me. He also said he's not depressed but then he also said he's lost, lonely, sad and purposeless. He's bitter all the time. I feel like I can't talk 100% freely since he's always bitter and critical. Is this a temoprary thing he said since he's feeling this rn or a permanent thing.

I'm really scared that i'm blaming the crumbling of the relationship on his depression. In one of his unbottlings (he regreted everything he said in it apart from the fact that he isolates since i make him feel like sh*t and that he only loves me in the moment), he said he only views me as a friend. But then he's also been affectionate to me after that. He said he only loves me in the moment. He hasn't given me anything affectionate in the last few days. Not even an "i love you".

So like a time line
-He unbottles the second time (so the 20th april stuff)
-A week where he loves me. He thinks im important, that he "can't help but liking me", that he loves me and cares for me
-he falls of the earth
-he comes back and everything is like this

What if the relationship is just breaking down normally. Any one have any advice?
Am i blowing this small thing out of porpotion?
I just really need advice. I have no idea what i am doing

[Deja_Vu]

Just want to clarify, the thing with him viewing me only as a friend is from when he unbottled

[Croix]

Dear Deja Vu~

Leaving illness to one side for a moment it sounds like an unstable unequal relationship. You have been a constant, someone to always come back to, and it has cost you a lot. You have been the one to bear the load, and in the long term that is not good, one needs a partner to share life with, not one who constantly leaves you feeling "I have no idea what i am doing"

I'm wondering how long before lack of surety and care turns into resentment and anger.

Reading all you have said I don't think the realtionship is "just breaking down normally", it seems to be greatly hampered by his illness. So one of the questions is - can you both expect reasonable improvement in his condition or will things go on this way more or less permanently.

Can you live like this?

Talking to his medical team about realistic prospects might help there.

Croix