Depressed partner has relapsed and I'm 30 weeks pregnant

Ruby_Vale · ‎22-04-2021

I'm not entirely sure how to explain this so apologies if my words are a bit of a jumble. My partner has depression and has suffered from addiction (both drugs and alcohol). He was okay for the last four months or so however relapsed last week. I love him dearly and want to help him through this but his approach is forever changing. He is seeking professional help and most of the time is putting in a lot of work but then it flips and he says we may as well break up and he can go back to his past life. I'm also 30 weeks pregnant and worried that my current stress/anxiety is impacting the baby. I don't want to tell my family because I don't want them to think badly of him. I guess what I really want/need to know is if recovery from addiction is possible in people's experiences, particularly when his depression keeps leading him back to it. Thank you for reading.

smallwolf · ‎22-04-2021

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

firstly, your words came out fine ...

it sounds as if you feel trapped or alone at the moment or have no one you can talk to about what is happening at the moment. I cannot tell you what you should do and I don't know anything about your relations with your parents and based on what you have written it sounds like they would support you. However if you feel unable to talk to them, then perhaps a chat with your GP might help you find a way forward?

There are web pages on the beyond blue web site that might be helpful.

I guess one positive is that he is getting help and relapses may occur. It would be devastating though to hear they want to break up. If you are able to talk to him using "I communication" so he hears about this effect this has on you. This does not mean things will change immediately either. You mentioned it is an addiction (or was).

Some people when they given up will say they are still addicted. Some will crave it. Some can't or won't stop. It can be a life-long journey. Perhaps reading other's stories might help you find the answer. Most importantly if you need help, know you can talk to someone, such as counsellor or similar, or through a support group like Al-anon.

geoff · ‎23-04-2021

Hello Ruby Vale, and a warm welcome to the site.

Sometimes it's not possible to know whether the alcohol/drugs has caused depression or whether it's the other way around, a counsellor would help him to determine which one it is, or it could be the two of these combined together.

I'm sorry he's had a relapse but this is possible during his aim to quit, it's like building steps to be able to stop and each time this happens, he learns something new which he might not be able to disclose because he actually doesn't know himself and it's just as easy for him to say 'we may as well break up and he can go back to his past life', but by saying this doesn't actually mean that's what he wants to do, it may seem to be easier to do but, in fact, he may lose contact with you and when the baby is born.

To stop these addictions takes incredible strength and some people are able to stop straight away without any problems but it's not easy for most, the good part is that he has stopped for 4 months, and his doctor is able to prescribe a type of medication, which I've taken myself, that stops any urge to drink and/or use drugs, as I was self-medicating with alcohol during my days of depression.

Although this may be taken, his depression needs to be taken care of, but what he might be struggling with is does he want to feel better and not be depressed or does he want to go back and begin his alcohol/drugs once again, the latter is the easy way out, but in reality, it won't cure his depression.

Ask him to see his doctor about this particular medication, I can't tell you the name because of the rules, but you could easily google it, this may provide a steady first step to his recovery

Please get back to us when you're available.

Geoff.

Boudica · ‎23-04-2021

Hello Ruby,

I'm sorry you are going through such a stressful time when you are at your most vulnerable. It seems that as your partner is struggling himself, he may not be in a place that he will be able to provide the support you are going to need very soon as you give birth. Please make it a priority to seek help for yourself, not just your partner, as you will need a network that can help support you when baby is born.

Like you, I had a difficult time during pregnancy and my babies early months, as although we were happy and looking forward to bub at first, my partners father was diagnosed with a terminal illness shortly into my pregnancy and my partner went completely off the rails. During pregnancy he was erratic and withdrawn and after my son was born, he did not help at all and would just vanish for days at a time. I had a difficult baby that did not sleep for more than 1 hr at a time in the early times, and I ended up with post natal depression and exhaustion.

Luckily for me, the home visit nurse sent me with my bub to a centre where I could stay and get some sleep and help and after that I started to ask my family for a bit of help. Like you, I did not want to disclose my partners failings to my family, as they already didn't like him. When your partner is not very supportive, having an hour a day of baby care from your family so that you can sleep or shower makes all the difference when you have a baby. Please make sure you have supports in place for yourself. I wish you and bub all the best.