Depressed Husband seeking help ...

[Fhar]

Hi all.

I am new to this forum and finally decided to post and share my experience. I have been reading the threads for over a year now and found I can related to so many of you. The reason why it has taken me this long to post something is most likely because I don't know where to start. So I'll try my best to be precise and share my story.

I have been with my husband for 11 years (married for 2.5 years) since I was 18. We have had so many ups and downs since the very start. He has always been an intense person and myself the complete opposite.  The relationship was intense from the start -cultural difference and jealousy over money (claiming I was born with a silver spoon) were always a sore point for him ... Anyhow all of that has passed as we've grown older. We have grown up with each other and taken on each other's good traits etc. Over the years he and his family have suffered a series of unfortunate events including selling up of the family farm, his parents having to start fresh, moving his parents around the different rentals and so on. Then the worst thing happened 5 years ago. His older sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed. To top that off his dad lost it and disappeared for a few months, leaving his mother behind who moved in with us. 

Moving on to the next chapter in our lives. Since the wedding we've purchased our first home, are working together, have good income and the parents have gotten back together. We're at the point where we should be happy and content. However, about 1.5 year ago I have noticed his mood swings coming back and his lack of motivation. He has been secretly drinking, won't get out of bed, you name it all the symptoms of depression and anxiety. Its almost unbearable because his depression is affecting our personal relationship and work relationship. I feel like I am dealing with his depression 24 hours a day. I have confronted him with his issues and twice he promised he would get help ... nothing eventuated from that. Recently we have lost our pets to what we think is foul play which has worsen his condition especially his anger. However, I believe that was also the turning point. He has begged me to help him get help as he knows how much he's been hurting me and he wants to get out of the 'hole' and move on with life and be happy.

We are getting a referral from the GP. I just hope we find the right person he is comfortable talking to. Any thoughts please ...

[geoff]

dear Fhar, hello and thanks for joining the site, as you have already read many a post. you aren't familar with this gastly illness, but when it happens for you or your family it then takes another dimension.

So many horrible events have happened to you, your husband and the parents, so where will I start, so it's appropriate that your husband wants to get help, which is great for the both of you.

Sometimes we can get depression without any cause, while other times there can be a situation which contributes to this illness, and it seems as though all of what has happened has slowly been building up in him and now it's rearing it's ugly head.

You know once it begins to appear we just hope that it will pass, and there maybe slithers of hope occasionally so we don't think any more of it, but then it's force returns, and now we have a big problem, and this is no fault of yours nor your husbands, because circumstances have got out of control.

I know exactly what you are saying when you mention what he is doing or isn't doing with his symptoms, and also what can happen is that you suffer as well, but inwardly, trying to hide your feelings, OK that maybe 'fine', but it's not, because you as well as your husband both need counselling either together but definitely by yourself.

Drinking when in depression is something I am very familiar with, but when he does it secretly then this a real concern, as it was for me.

You can object to this, but this will then make him do it more, hidden away from you or anyone else, just like with me, I had it hidden all around my shed in different spots, so if my sons or wife found it, I still had some more, not a very pleasant life, but to stop it it had to be up to me and no one else to decide, not even my psychologist or doctor.

I am only saying this because it could happen with him, and for you I would imagine this not to be pleasant.

The loss of your pets would be devastating, and I can only appreciate how angry he is.

When we suffer in silence and refuse to get any help, it just needs one single event to make you realise that help is required, so now for him to ask you to help him then that's an enormous bonus, however it won't make him overcome it immediately, because now what comes into the equation is how you are truly feeling and how his parents are coping, and if they rely more on the both of you as they become older.

I'm almost out of words but there is so much more to say. L Geoff. x

[Leonie142]

Hi Fhar

I get depressed every few years and have since I was about 15.  My mother suffered horribly from it and as the oldest girl I was often left to look after her.  I can understand that it is frustrating when nothing you can say or do will make your husband not be depressed.  

 Now he wants help I see that as a great move forward and I think you should feel optimistic.  All I can say is  - when you see your GP make sure you get a Mental Health Plan from them.  This will entitle your husband to a number of free sessions with a psychologist.  If you feel you need to talk to someone make sure you get one for yourself.  With this referral your husband can find a psychologist that suits his schedule and situation.  Talking to someone about how he feels will help.  They can't change it but they can give him strategies for how to go forward. 

When you see the GP they may suggest anti-depressants.  They do work but they are not for everyone.  There are many different types and it may take trying a few different ones before he finds one that suits.  If you live with depression it is important to get enough sleep, keep the alcohol intake low and exercise regularly to keep it at bay. If you are tired and hungover it is hard to feel well.  Exercise releases great chemicals in your body which make you feel better and sleep better.  

The main thing is there are a lot of ways to live well even if you do get depressed and finding the right habits for your husband may take some trial and error.  Be patient with him and the process but always look to move forward and ask for help as you go.  Good luck

[Fhar]

Hi L Geoff,

Many thanks for replying. Yes I too have run out of word limits in my first post. What I didn't get to say initially is that yes I too am suffering from his depression and I'm sure that's the same story for every couple. I have not had to deal with or know anyone with depression till now. I was raised in a Bhuddist country where religioun teaches you to be strong, be possitive, accept your fate and move on with life. So depression is a whole new concept for me.

There were times where I really wanted to walk away and question what have I done to deserve this..?? My heart can only fracture so many times before it completely breaks. So many promises broken. We have a limited network of friends but they are all true friends and many know and can sense that he is suffering.

As we have been through so much previously I feel that our love is strong enough to pull through this one. I hope counselling will give him something to work with and help him heal. I too will get counselling and hope we can get joint sessions together. However I suppose that will be determined by the counsellor/psyc?? 

He is the love of my life. I want him to enjoy life with me and remember how beautiful the world can be.....

[Lori]

Hi Fhar, 

Welldone for reaching out, i am so happy to hear that you have wanted to reach out for so long and finally have that is absolutely amazing welldone. 

Although i am very sorry to hear about the stressful times you have faced with you partner and parents. I think Geoff has pretty much covered everything but Depression can be such a horrible illness it affects everyone in all different ways and something the effects can be quite strong. 

Make sure to be there for your partner no matter what even if he doesn't want you, always show you them you care because its normally the depression talking.

I'ts great to hear that you are getting a referral from your GP i think that is really important for you and is going to help you in the long run. Make sure to use the support around you and i hope that you and your partner start to feel better real soon and that it all goes back to the way it was.

Once again you have done an awesome job and keep up the good work!

-Lori 🙂

[geoff]

dear Fhar, I think what we do is use so many abjectives to try and describe how we feel when in depression but we never feel as though we are never getting to the point, it's certainly an indication from what we say, but it always seems as though we are talking to someone in which it goes in one ear and out the other.

Many couples break up because one of them doesn't know what to do, or how to help, or doesn't want to cope with their partner suffering from depression, maybe they are right or perhaps the attachment and love will hold them together, and there is no general rule on what they should do, because circumstances change for everybody.

I'm not relating any of these comments to you necessarily, but from what you have said, there is a true connection and love between the both of you.

Can I say that you and hopefully your husband will look at life in another direction, which is good and it's something that depression had never thought of, so that it's own weakness.

There will be (not maybe) many up's and down's along the way, but I hope that you can stay with us. L Geoff. x