Depressed best friend.

[Beth_t]

Hi, firstly I'll start off by saying I'm 18 years and currently in year 12 doing my VCE. I am not depressed, but someone I'm really close to is, so here goes.

So, in 2010 I was in year 9 and started talking to a guy towards the end of the year. I later discover was depressed but had not told anyone. First of all we talked about non meaningful things like what we did on the weekend, how much we liked school etc. Anyway a few months in and things started getting a bit more serious with his depression and as I started to like him as more than a friend I began to get worried. It was then the end of year holidays and he still talked to me but tried to avoid anything to do with talking about depression. When school got back he was kinda different, it was around March that his depression got worse he still hasn't told anyone about it apart from myself and another girl. He began self harming and eventually was scaring me by saying that he wanted to die and hated himself, I knew he had told me that he didn't want anyone else to know but I was worried for his safety so I told the school nurse, who told his mum and he went to the doctors and started getting the help he needed and   began taking medication. He started liking me as more than a friend back and we began going out in May of 2011 and broke up in August. We worked things out and began dating again in October and he had been fine ever since until a month ago. Around a couple of weeks before his birthday, which was May the 18th he began feeling depressed again. He started fighting with me and telling me to 'find someone better' and that 'I don't need him'. Of course I argued back saying that I loved him and needed him. He began self harming again and did not tell anyone. He started to get worse and the fighting between us became more frequent and through this he started talking to another girl in our year and did not tell me and I found out by seeing his messages to her on her phone. I became angry and frustrated at this and was jealous thinking he liked her although he said he didn't. It was then his birthday and I thought everything was fine, we were In love and had kinda stopped fighting. He then became even more down on himself and all the depressive thoughts really kicked in. He started to push me away and began saying once again that 'I didn't need him' and to 'find someone better' but he then started saying that I didn't love him. He kept arguing and never told anyone how bad he was this time. On the Wednesday the 29th of May, two days after our 17th month anniversary he dumped me. Before he did it he kept telling me to dump him, so I told him if he wanted to break up he would have to do it. Not thinking he would do it, he then dumped me. At the time i dont think he was thinking straight and just did it not realising the consequences. I was heartbroken, this guy was my best friend and I was in love with him, he had told me he wouldn't leave me and he did. For the past few weeks I have been a mess, not only because he has broken up with me but because he has completely changed, he is so much more worse with his depression than last time, they have changed his medication to something much stronger and it still hasn't had an effect on him. I seriously miss him more than anything and would do anything in my power to get him back. Although he did say to the psychiatrist that he most likely broke up with me because of his depression.

He says he doesn't feel any love towards anyone and doesn't think he will get better this time round. He also says he cant find his heart because his thoughts and brain is too strong. I guess what I really want to know is, whether anyone could try and explain to me how he would feel towards the people he loves right now?

Will the person I fell in love with get his feeling back for me once he has recovered or will he completely change and never feel the same way again 

Please the people who have gone through this please help me out, I'm lost without him and he's pushed me so far away that there is little hope that he will ever love me or want to be with me again.

Thanks so much!

[Bright_Spark]

Hi Beth,

It's obvious that you're a very caring and sensitive friend (and person in general) and I'm absolutely sure this guy knows this.  I'm writing because I'm in a similar position to him and I can probably help you understand what he's thinking.  Maybe. 

My girlfriend is endlessly empathetic as well, which makes it really hard to break up with her.  I don't know why I want to break up - she's a great girl - but I'm just really tired of loading her up with my problems.  She's always there for me but I know it's not fair that I do this to her.  I'm sure that just as you want your man to be happy, he wants you to be happy as well and not tied down by the lead weight of his issues.  And they are, and should be, HIS issues; not yours.

I know this sounds harsh but he wants you out of the way (maybe to protect you but maybe because you're confusing his typical negative thought patterns).  I don't know.  I don't want to upset you because you seem incredibly lovely but I'd recommend giving him the space that he wants.   You see these negative thoughts are really just frustrations magnified.  It's an inner battle for control over one's life.  I mean that he presumably finds comfort in his negative thoughts, probably enjoys them (because they can make us feel superior to  others etc) but this way of thinking turns into a habit.  If he can't stop himself thinking like this about everything in his world, perhaps he's already started getting frustrated at you. 

In general if you really care for him, you need to let him make his own choices in this world.  This doesn't mean you won't have a special bond which will surely mean you'll be friends for a very long time, and maybe you can start the relationship again when you are both thinking clearly.  One thing you young people have on your side is time.

    Ask yourself, though, why you are so frustrated.  Is it because you feel you can't help him or because he dumped you?  If you are truly upset about how your friend is going, it shouldn't matter if you are going out or not.  Being a friend is more important than being a girlfriend anyway.  I'd say continue to be a friend but let him do his thing.  It may give you both some perspective.  And when the time is right, and you are still around, he'll wake up and wise up and realize he's got a wonderful girl who has always been there.

   Hang in there but don't let someone else's problems control your life.  He probably feels really guilty about bringing you down and he doesn't want to invite you into the world of his dark thoughts. 

[S_A_D_]

I just posted a response to your other question, which was very similar, but this one has more detail so I can give a clearer answer. From now on please just post one new thread at a time.

It sounds like he doesn't feel worthy of you. He has probably been betrayed by the important people in his life so many times,  he doesn't trust you or anyone when he is told he is loved. This is also how I feel, and have felt most of my life. 

Words are not enough. they're like 10%, and I can't function on 10%. The other 90% is in body language and tone of voice. He is terrified that if he opens up to you and shows you he is vulnerable, then like everyone else in his life, you will abuse him and betray him and hurt him so much. He has been hurt too many times by too many people, and these were people he was supposed to trust the most: family.

It will be hard to help him overcome this, but if you can manage it you will save his life. The medication is not helping, because it's only one side of psychological treatment. He needs to start seeing a psychologist on a very regular basis, like weekly, as soon as possible, and not someone working at the school. An experienced doctor of psychology at least.

This is important, but don't pressure him. He needs urgent intensive care, to prevent things getting worse, like they did for me. I'm 31 and my longest intimate relationship was 1 month, strictly non-sexual. 

Give him control of the relationship, encourage him to make choices, be grateful for having him help you make choices, and tell him how much you like his preferences. You need to do whatever it takes to raise his confidence in his ability to guide the relationship, and his life in general. Try to be as humble as you can around him, like he's so strong and smart and wise and all that, and you feel unworthy to be in his company. Level the playing field. Make your arguments into how grateful and special you are to have each other. Make him feel tall.

He says "You should find someone better. You don't need me. I'm dragging you down. I'm such a burden for you. I'm sorry."

Then you say (remembering that words are only 10%) "You do this (insert something you appreciate from him, like him walking you home so you get there safe) for me, and you think your the burden? No way! I'm the burden on you, and I don't know how you put up with me so much, but thank you. When I see how hard it is just to be you with your depression, I feel honoured to help any way I can. I totally don't deserve you, you're so nice to me."

I'm sure you can get creative and come up with all the reasons why you love him. Show him and explain to him all the nice things he has done with you and for you. Tell him you need the chance to make it up to him, like the stuff you've done for him up till now didn't happen and you totally owe him so much more love than he owes you.

Then he will show you how much he loves you.

[Mark_098]

Dear Beth,

Wow where to start...

before you read this response, get on Youtube and type in Joe Purdy - I love the rain the most ok?

It must be so hard for you at the moment.  To have a broken heart is a horrid thing.  It is something that stops a lot of people from ever even experiencing true love.  Sad hey.  Well it does until they see through their worries of maybe having to suffer one and launch into "being in love".

The best advise I can give you is to give him his space.  I say this because if he is going to see that he got it wrong breaking up with you, he will reach out if and when he is capable if his depression lifts again.  Depression is a horrible thing because it acts like poison in our heads.  It mutates our thoughts and beliefs and makes us think and believe things that aren't true or that are distorted and that just isn't fair.  But unfortunately that is depression for you.

Another reason is that you will have the room from him, to work on how you're going to be there for him, if and when he does try to patch things up with you.  Whether it be by thinking of fun things to do with him to take his mind off of being depressed e.g ice skating, watching a shitty movie at the cinema that you can both take the p%ss out of, going to a vantage point to see the city you live in (or near if you don't)  Its hard but when working with someone who is depressed you have to have so much positive energy to combat their dark thoughts.  If you can see that this isn't helping, then just by distracting them with the mentioned things even if it doesn't last, hopefully then they will be distracted from being depressed and that it was you who helped them to have a good time. 

Clearly this is only possible if he does try to patch things up with you.  What you have to remember Beth is that sometimes we have to protect ourselves to save the ones we love.  If you don't give him his space you may risk pushing him further away.  If he has made it clear that he doesn't want you in his life as his girlfriend, or even possibly at all (at the moment, or unfortunately maybe for good) then you have to respect that. 

It sounds like things for you are going to be a bit touch-and-go for a while, but you are just going to have to look after yourself through all of this because depression can have a profound effect on those closest to them also.  I hear from what you say that you are in love with him and that he is your best friend so maybe he will realise one day (hopefully not to far away) "what was I thinking?" and it won't be too late to patch things up?

You sound like a lovely person and my heart goes out to you, you must feel quite sad about everything.  Unfortunately that is what depression does and there isn't much you can do about it if he wont' let you in...  Because of depression, people everywhere, everyday are missing out on something or rather.  It affects people in so many ways.

Are you close to your father or mother?  do you have any brothers or sisters? if you are or do, maybe try talking with them to ease the load on your heart okay? 

I hope my rantings have helped you a little Beth,

Good luck.

Mark

[geoff]

dear Beth, a depressed person's mind is always foggy, they say one thing but might not necessarily mean it, plus their thoughts are negative, and we do talk about 'friends' disappearing, but also a depressed person can push them away as well.

Personally I didn't want to have anyone near me or with me, although I did have a friend who lived around the corner who insisted on seeing me everyday, but he never raised or talked about depression only if I said something, but he was never critical, plus I had a twin but he lived a couple of hours away and was working full time.

You love your friend and have stayed with him all the way which would have been a great support for him, although he wouldn't see it that way while he's still in depression.

I really wish that I could console you and give you a definite answer to your question, but I can't, all I can say is that after my depression and divorce my ex wouldn't talk to me, but after awhile we do talk and have a laugh just like the old days.

I don't want to push you away by saying all of this, but circumstances always change and for your sake I really hope that he keeps you in his life.

But please remember that a depressed person's mind is sunken and rather confused and his way of thinking constantly changes. L Geoff.

[S_A_D_]

It seems to me that other answerers are more focused on you, and how you're feeling.

I took careful note of your introduction. You said you're not depressed. Now I may be wrong, but it sounds like you're telling us your psychologically healthy, and merely in a situation with someone who is not healthy and don't know how to react. You're not looking to get out of this relationship, but you don't understand these mixed signals you're getting from him.

I may be wrong.

If I'm not wrong, try what I've suggested above. If he doesn't respond positively to a dramatic change of attitude from you, then by all means go with the advice of the other responders here, and accept his request to break up.

If he likes your new found humility, and your efforts to boost his confidence, but still wants to break up as a couple, then accept that and be his friend. Don't push him, just offer him your love, and keep offering love regardless of what he does or says. 

[Mark_098]

Hi Beth,

 I just want to say that my concerns were mostly for you and after reading you post again, I realise that I didn't actually answer either of your questions... well not in a clear and straight forward manner.  Sorry about that.

Believe it or not I actually have the same feelings that facetious has since written, I just got swept up in trying to offer advise that protected you from any unnecessary pain as being young does add another dimension of difficulty in dealing with situations such as this because of your age.  Sorry for sounding patronising.  It is not how it is intended.  I'm sure you understand fully the predicament you are in, I was more just referring to a persons coping mechanisms, which people go through life and acquire more of an arsenal in this regard, well some do.

I hope the combination of all the responses have helped you to better understand the bind you are currently in.

As you can see, all of our thoughts are with you at this time.

I hope both he and you are okay.

Mark