Dealing with the undiagnosed depression of a loved one

[Sarah131]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum, and I'm really grateful for the opportunity to discuss these topics.

I believe my partner of 7 years has struggled with clinical depression since a teenager, and medicates himself with marijuana abuse. I've always tried to offer my love, support, and encouragement, but over the past 10 months, things are particularly bad. He has completely lost interest in everyone and everything - his dog, work, friends, hobbies. He says he has no happiness in his life and thoughts. He doesn't eat, can't sleep, and talks about feelings of helplessness and anxiety.

About 3 years ago, he went to see a doctor about his undiagnosed depressive state. He was in and out of her office in under 10 minutes. He was prescribed a blood test to check hormone levels, and received a call a few days later saying he was 'fine'. That was his chance to get help, and the system let him down.  

A few days ago we separated, initiated by him. The following day he was so angry and volatile, and caused damage to our property. But then he left a note for me:

'I should have fixed myself sooner, but I didn't. My pain is not for you, my burden is not yours. My burden is not for your family... You will thank me one day when you understand.' 

I am so frightened for his wellbeing and safety - not as a partner, but as a friend. Any advice as to how I encourage him to recognize what may be going on, and to unlock his mind to seek professional help? 

[geoff]

dear Sarah, I hope that marijuana is not legalised, as I know that it completely changes the mood for someone who smokes it, and yes I know that alcohol does the same to someone, but that's legal, and another discussion.

OK he has felt guilty about the damage he has done, but it is too late, and now putting the pressure back onto yourself by saying ' You will thank me one day when you understand' and ' 'I should have fixed myself sooner'.

You now have the chance to put these questions back to him, and say it's now time that we both went to a doctor, and I am only going with you because you will need some support.

He is only smoking weed because there are underlying problems, which he can not face up to, just like an alcoholic.

I may be a bit harsh when I say that you can only give him a few chances, now as a friend, and he can't keep leading you on by saying I will go next week. L Geoff. x

[ModeratorA]

Dear Sarah, thank you for posting to this site. It sounds like a really distressing situation you are in, worried about your estranged partner. 

You can get some specific advice by visiting a GP and letting him/her know what your concerns are. Be sure to be clear to them about your worries and be able to describe the behaviours that have changed in your friend/partner. Perhaps write them down before you make the visit. There are many helpful GP's so please don't judge all GP's on the experience your friend/partner had some years ago.  Alternatively you can google "community mental health service (then your state name)" This will take you to a service that gives it's 24 hr/ 7 day a week help line . It is a 1800 number. Again before you do this, it may be worth writing down your concerns and making sure you describe the changes, what time frame they have happened in and the behaviours that have altered. Also list your worries about his safety. Good luck, the bb moderators