DEALING WITH MY HUSBAND'S DEPRESSION / ALCOHOL USE - GETTING IT OFF MY CHEST

[Silverlining]

It's breaking my heart.  My husband of 33 years has depression. He has isolated himself so much from me.  I feel I should have recognised it so much earlier and I feel terrible guilt about that. We have seen his GP who has been great, done sessions with the psych (maybe not so successful), he's on medication but his drinking is getting worse.  We have been able to talk pretty well through it all but I feel like he's withdrawing more and is putting a lot of pressure on himself to act normal.  He has spoken to the kids, (16, 18 and 21 ) and family and immediate friends and work which has been a big step but lately I feel like he has put himself under so much pressure not to blow up at home and work (particularly where the kids are involved) that it's creating even more difficulty for him.  We have talked about his drinking and I have managed to get him to agree to see his doctor again to discuss what can be done.  We have talked about him giving up completely but I am concerned how this will affect his depression.  I know they go hand in hand as does he but he just needs to have some control. He's just so sad so often.  I feel like I've lost the man I fell in love with and I don't know how to help him come back.  Sometimes I feel so inadequate and other times I feel like I must be depressed too because all I can do is let him know I'm here and give him space when he needs it and talk when he wants to but he's not there for me.  Sounds so selfish but at this point that's how I feel. I want to have a laugh again with the man who used to make me so happy.  I want to be intimate with him again.  Well, I know he wants it too but I guess I feel I just needed to say what I want and I can do that here and he doesn't need to feel any pressure from me.  Thanks for listening.

[Neil_1]

Dear Silverlining

(What a very clever name you've given yourself)  🙂   I really like that.

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post - I can really feel the situation you're in and how it feels like you are helpless at this time.

There are positives here - as I'm sure you're aware - in that your husband has sought out GP appointments, had psych sessions and he's on medication.  All very good stuff.

It's damn awesome to hear that you've been able to reach out to him and talk to him about this all as well - so it sounds like you know the issues that he's facing - and no, we don't need to know what they are.  But it's good that you've been able to talk to him about it and that he'll talk back to you about it.

I'm telling you right now though, you ARE not selfish at all - the way you're handling this situation is just wonderful.  I can feel such a massive love and affection that you've got for this man, this wonderful husband of yours - 33 years in and counting and I so hope that between a few of us, we'll be able to provide some kinds of assistance for you.

For now though, it does seem to me like your husband isn't pushing you away;  that he's ok to try things, which is a huge positive.

If he's smashing the booze quite heavily at the moment, perhaps an approach would be to see if he's able to peg it back a notch, say each night - but I guess first see if he's ok with this.  He does seem like he's ok to talk about things, so chat with him first - about how much this could well be affecting him.  And if he can gradually ease up on it, it might just help in the long run, to get off it easier than to say trying the cold turkey approach.

Just thoughts at this stage, but I would really love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Silverlining, I too would like to welcome you to this site.

Boy oh boy does this take me back to exactly the same situation as what you are in, except it was me that was drinking like a fish and at that stage we were married for 25 years.

I just want to clarify what you have said, and that is that he is speaking to the kids and family and does he do this when under the influence or maybe sober.

You have two battles on your hands, or maybe three, and these are his depression, his drinking and then how you are coping which doesn't seem to be very good and indeed struggling.

I am also interested as to how the kids feel as feel, because my kids said to their mates 'that dad has been drinking', but I always got them to have a laugh, more so when I was drinking, but when I wasn't it was so hard.

My wife ( ex) always talked to me and sometimes my 2 sons about stopping, and I did abstain a few times which made them all happy but I wasn't, however when I was living by myself I also abstain because there was a reason why I had to.

Looking back now I still loved my wife but I was unable to show it to her, so her natural thought was that I didn't, but with depression and drinking I wasn't going to try and convince her, because that effort was such an enormous effort, so I just wanted a simple life to myself and the cask.

I hope that you do reply back to us, as there would be a lot more questions you want to ask. L Geoff. x

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

Hello Silverlining,

I am in the same sort of situation as you my friend. My husband of 7 years has depression, but there is another woman involved in my situation, but that's a story for another day. I really understand how you feel like he is pushing you away. It's very painful to deal with, but he is so focus on himself and what is happening to him. I am so glad that he is taking medication to help him though this hard stage. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I know how hard it is when no one can give you a date to when it will all be over.

please ask me anything and don't give up

PMD xo

[Silverlining]

Thanks for your support.  It was a big step for me to do this. I really appreciate what you said. I just really needed to tip the load yesterday and you certainly get where I'm at and where my husband's at and - I don't know if relief is the right word but thank you. He had an ADF yesterday and wants to try a week without a drink.  It was all good yesterday and this morning he woke up fresh and ready to face the world.  Been a while!  As I said before I will be supportive but I am still concerned how this may affect him.  He just gets so despondent and perceives the smallest hiccup as a failure.  Anyway, we will just take each day at a time but it was great being able to get it out there and having people understand.  I don't think you can possibly get it if you haven't lived through this.  I know I certainly couldn't have.

[geoff]

dear Silverling, that must be a big relief for you, can I just mention a tip to you, that the first couple of days will be good but as the week drags on then he will get the urge to break his sobriety and will be wanting to have some alcohol, so have you been advised by your counsellor if and when this may happen, or whether he will be a cupboard drinker. L Geoff. x

[Purple_Monkey_Dishwasher]

We'll done Silverlining,

take it one day at a time my friend. I know where your coming from and how you feel. 

All the best

PMD xo

[Shivette]

Dear silver lining. Ur post brought tears to my eyes, I too am a partner of someone depressed. My partner has lost three members of her immediate family in twelve months. Her brother and sister from their addictions, her dad who had a past of alcohol abuseLast year when it happened she coped well , the last three months have seen her plummet into a depression I haven't experienced with her since her mum died six years ago. Yup her whole family are dead and she is haunted by this constant anxiety of losing me. I know this is normal under the circumstances but I find being in the relationship overwhelming at times. I love her dearly and miss the real her and want to grow old with her. I reassure her every day, but as each day passes I feel a resentment growing inside me.  I suppose if I'm honest I've read and studied depression but I just don't get it!!!! I scare for her and me that this is going to go on for months and mayb years. She always had anxiety but this coupled with depression is just zapping for her and me. She goes to counselling is on anti depressants reads mindfulness books and I love her for how hard she is trying. I know all she wants is this to stop and go away. God knows I do too, I hope I don't come across as selfish. Those of u that understand know the many hours of listening and reassuring that can happen. Know I am there for her but just wanted to let u know I identify with u and I will pray for u and ur husband. I would gladly accept any prayers also for us both..please god we will all get through it xxx 

[Neil_1]

Dear silverlining (part of an old David Essex song:  Hold me close don't let me go, and every cloud's gotta silver - lining")   I'm glad this doesn't extend so you can hear my voice, cause it ain't pretty.  Well so I'm told - I think I go ok when I'm in the car alone.

Again, that is so awesome to hear back from you and well done again on providing your most recent post.  And just look at all the responses you've received - support and care and people empathising with you.

At this time, it really is a day by day kind of proposition - I know it's really crap weather out at the moment, but even to suggest an evening walk or something and then get home for a hot cuppa or something - to help try and divert him away.  And you know if he's really into wanting this for himself - which is really the only way it will work - is to give him suggestions of cleaning his teeth, say every half or every full hour.  I can tell you from experience, when you're trying to wean yourself off, having clean teeth then takes the gloss of wanting to hop into another beverage.

And it's the early days that are the hardest, as Geoff alluded too - and now this is advancing it abit, but if he can get out to a week - the actual need, the pull for having one, I know within me, drops off significantly.   On top of that, you also wake up each morning feeling a lot better - a lot clearer in the mind.

Wow, I'm now going to give it a good go myself - I think I've talked me into giving it another go - go the DOG days (Days Off Grog).

Dear Shivette

Thanx for providing your response as well - and it's so hard when you lose family members - I've lost two myself.  It IS difficult.  Again, it's good that she's got meds (depending on how long she's been on them, might be a case for a review of them) and great to hear counselling is happening as well.

Kind regards

Neil

[Silverlining]

This forum has been amazing for me.  People who I have expected to be there for me haven't been, and thought it has been disappointing I can't blame them because as I said before unless you've lived it it so difficult to understand, but just knowing that you guys are out there experiencing similar things is just such a support. 

Shivette, Purple Dishwasher Monkey, do what we do and keep on keepin' on. Yes, it's so difficult to deal with but there is help around as I'm discovering and to my great surprise even if its anonymous online it can be wonderful and even empowering. I don't pray, its just not my thing, but I do send my heartfelt thoughts to you and all who are experiencing this awful disease.  

A special call out to Neil, whoever you are, thank you, your words have been inspirational and so appreciated.