Crisis point

[witchy_poo]

I have been with my husband for 26 years and he has always had period of depressions, We have two boys who are grown. When they were younger my husband brought up the kids while I worked. We were happy most of the time. I never put pressure on him. I supported him.I loved him. The last 18 months he has been withdrawn and both emotionally and physically distant - going to work and returning home to his bedroom where he pretty much lived. He has the ability to make me feel guilty for expecting anything from him. This weekend it came to a head. I told him he has to engage more and he.has to decide if he wants to stay married to me. He has been doing extensive drives saying it helps him think. He started saying he was thinking of suicide. I got upset and called a mental health line for advice. When he skipped work on Saturday to go driving while I thought he was at work and sending me texts like say goodbye to the boys, the mental health people called the police to find him. They did and took him to hospital. He sent me text saying he will never forgive me and that we are getting a divorce among the nicer of his texts. Now he is awaiting assessment by a psychiatrist. I have been distraught, and beside myself. I feel guilt and fear. I think he will never forgive me, I am so tired. I am now afraid of what will happen next. I feel so alone.

[white knight]

Hi WP,  welcome and thanks for posting to this forum

Having read your post I am a little lost for words. And thats not me.  Having had two major separations from partners in my life and now finally settled happily with the third, I have my own views on this sort of situation. But its me and my view not yours but it might help.

In my view I wouldnt be so scared of the good possibility you could split with your husband. In one way it could be the catalyst for some shock for him to realsie what he has in you. But although I dont doubt your husband is seriously mentally ill you also must take care of yourself in particular when it comes to unacceptable text emssages which would be so traumatic.

Parts of his behaviour (like those texts) is unacceptable. Either way, stay with him or not, that kind of communication is cowardice and placing extra trauma upon you that isnt right. He obviously feels like you can be the punching bag for his troubles. Having a mental illness sis a difficult for everyone but taking it out on your spouse is not the way to go.

In the meantime seek a little guidence and help for yourself. I'd suggest a visit to your GP and any subsequent counselling he/she can recommend.  One day soon, hopefully, you can tell your husband and offer him to go along with you. If he doesnt then you again must make a stance and suggest to him he isnt interested in saving the marraige.

You are heading towards a bigger crisis if you dont stand up against inappropraite behaviour and lack of interest in saving your marriage. Try to get him to a doctor, counselling etc and youself also in terms of coping with the situation. And be strong.

Hope you do ok.  cyber hugs

[witchy_poo]

Thanks WK - you are right. We did reach crisis point as you can see. Since then we are now talking. we are also going to councilling and he has had his medication reviewed and increased. I think there is still a long road ahead - but I will stand by him while I can. He has admitted that what he did wasn't fair too. Which is a big step forward.

[Pixie15]

Hi witchy_poo,

I wanted to respond because I was in the position a few years back of giving an ultimatum to my partner. 

Just a couple of thoughts I had regarding your post. If your partner is going out to work he is probably already engaging more even though it is not with you. He might need more time alone.

Have you tried organizing specific activities. Such as a trip to the movies, beach, out for lunch. Somewhere that if he agrees to go and then drops out at the last minute you can go alone. 

Cheerio,

Grateful Today.

[witchy_poo]

thanks Grateful Today for your message.

Yes - we are doing that. We like to go for drives - which is our thing, He doesn't do movies and stuff which is fine. He is engaging with me now which is better. We still have a ways to go - but we are starting to get started if that makes sense.

[AGrace]

Hi witchy_poo,

Thanks for keeping us updated with your situation. I'm glad that you and your husband are starting to reconnect again. You really gave me the true meaning to the term "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" when it comes to marriage.

My partner and I are considering getting married at the moment, he consistently states that "getting married is not one of his priorities at the moment" and that "me being healthy is his biggest priority". No matter what we decide you've made me realise that his love for me would make the perfect ingredient for a life long partner.

Best of luck

AGrace

[witchy_poo]

Hi AGrace,

My husband and I were together for 10 years before we got married. Some day are bad and a some days are more than good. Your partner sounds like a good man. Making a commitment to someone whether it is marriage or not is the most important thing. You need to tell him that you love him for his support - it can really make the tough times a little easier to get through sometimes. I really hope you hand your partner have much happiness ahead of you.

Witchy_poo

[geoff]

dear Witchy, I'm sorry that I have come so late to your comment, but fortunately others have replied back to you.

I was married for some 25 years when I all of my depression hit me or probably before and now I can understand what you are going through, as my wife ( ex) had to endure the same as you.

Please remember that when we are going through depression we do make comments that we don't mean, but in saying this it's no relief for you when we do, because it's always a worry.

I was in denial for a long time and maybe your husband was also in the same situation before he made those remarks, so we refuse to have counselling at the beginning, but now this is happening, it is a long road, but hopefully these days will improve, not only for him but also for you.

Even though we are divorced we still have contact, see each other, not on a date, but because of our sons, and we still kiss and cuddle one another, but that's us and not you. L Geoff. x

I hope that stay with us as your post takes me back to my awful days living in hell.