Carer...feeling overwhelmed!

[Rosalina]

Hi everyone,

I'm 21 years old and I am caring for my mother who has FMD. This is a chronic illness and as a result of a wrong diagnosis and several bypass surgeries, my mother's leg was amputated. Over the years the muscles in her arms and legs have basically wasted away to nothing, she sleeps a lot during the day because she's so tired, and does use her wheelchair more than her prosthetic leg. Mother became sick when I was 11 years old and my grandmother was originally her carer, however when I was 17 she passed away from cancer. So that's why I took over.

She needs a lot of help with mobility and emotional support. Over the past few years her friends have drifted away, as for the extended family...my mother never really got along with them in the first place and we have no contact with them now. My father and mother do not talk..and...have a rather great dislike towards each other. I have friends I can talk to, but I feel like this is too personal and that they wouldn't understand anyway, because they haven't had the same experience. 

My mother understandably has depression, and the lack of socialising with others isn't helping. She feels too sick to go out, in fact she no longer even goes shopping with me ( an activity she liked to do throughout the week). She does cry because she feels lonely, and that she has no enjoyment in life besides watching tv or going on the internet. I've tried to get her involved in some art and craft activities and games to just take her mind off about how she's feeling. I've even suggested maybe she go online or on the phone and talk to someone about how she's feeling, or find people who are in similar situations to talk to. She won't have any of it. 

 I don't know what to do to help her. Or how I can make her life any better, it's hard to hear her cry and just see her the way she is. My dad won't get involved which angers me. I feel like it won't get better no matter how much I try. In between this all I study, so I then have the stress of that as well, I don't get to socialise as much as I would like either, most of the time I'm at home with mum and I feel really isolated. I also feel selfish when I think about my own problems, like socialising or maybe even meeting someone.

I haven't had a relationship in two and a half years, how can I have one if I'm looking after mum, how can I maybe one day have kids? Who would want to take on me and my situation? I'm worried that might never happen. I'm just so lost. 

[Zeal]

Hi Rosalina,

After reading your post, I am certain that you are a strong, caring and capable person. To be a full-time carer for your very ill mother since the age of 17 is a huge responsibility, and you’ve now been filling that role for four years. I am quite impressed that you are also studying! I’m 22 and in my second year of a psychology degree, and I still get stressed about study, despite the fact that I live at home with my parents and sister.

It’s great that you’ve tried to engage your mother with new activities, and made suggestions about seeking help and communicating with others. You are certainly doing the right things. Is it possible for you to employ a carer once a week, just to take even a small portion of the responsibility off your shoulders? I’m aware that this might be hard financially; I don’t know how much a carer would cost. Try ringing your local government department to find out about subsidised assistance. You are deserving of some support, and hopefully you will qualify for some financial assistance in getting some extra support for your Mum. If you’ve already tried this, then sorry for blabbing away!

It sounds as though you don’t have siblings to help. It’s a shame your father won’t assist at all.

Having a relationship for you at the moment would be challenging. Ultimately, you would probably make a great partner because of your ability to care for others, your responsibility, mental strength, emotional intelligence, and compassion. I obviously don’t know you, but I can quite confidently say these things solely based on your post J As for having kids; you know how to look after someone and carefully consider their needs! You are definitely not selfish for thinking about the issues you face. This is completely normal.

I don’t know if I have given you much constructive advice, but hopefully I have helped you in some way :)

Good luck with everything. I wish you the best!

[Rosalina]

Hi SM,

Thank you so much for replying, I appreciate it. You're definitely not blabbing away. 

 I have tried phoning some around to find a company that would provide us with a carer for a day or two. A day isn't impossible with our budget, so that's not really the problem. My mother struggles with the idea, I understand for her to be vulnerable in front of a stranger would be quite daunting and possibly embarrassing. We haven't had one before. I do remember when Silverchain came over to help, she showed signs of distress. 

With her mental state right now, I don't think it's possible at least for the moment. Which is why I'm hoping to get her engaged in something or for her to talk to someone. I wouldn't like to do anything that would upset her even more now. 

I don't have any siblings and it really is a shame my father won't help. I understand they don't like each other, but I thought at the end of the day, he could put his differences aside and...at least maybe do it for me. My father himself, I think is going through his own depression because he lost his job last year, after twenty years of working for the same company. So he sits around at home a lot and hasn't made any attempts to go out and find a new job. So I feel like I'm also trying to push him to do better, it's really exhausting. I also don't think I'm getting anywhere with him either. 

 Thank you for those kind words, I don't really know about the mental strength bit, but thank you anyway. Most days I feel like I'm being weighed down by everything, and I do have moments where I just want to cry. Especially because all of my friends have partners and I've been to their houses and even just seeing their families happy...and healthy. Family like...not so much like mine.  

My studying does help, it kind of distracts me and working towards being a teacher gives me something to look forward to. 

[white knight]

Hi Rosalina,

I  agree, SM's reply was simply wonderful.

Sometimes we can get bogged down in the midst of our workload. You are doing very well under the circumstances.

Life can be unfair, indiscriminate, enduring and all the other descriptions you can think of. But the one I like the most is - "challenging". If it isn't challenging then I would be bored stiff and sadder than I can be at times.

So I read your post and I feel quite sad for you at such a young age, being a carer. But I also think that your have risen up to one of the greatest challenges of ones life- caring for someone that needs you. What a human being you are.

I'm sure of one thing. You will, in many years to come look back on these years of emotional struggle and say to yourself "I am so glad I cared for my mother".

As for your mums idle times you cant make her pursue activities. She has to want to. You might have to wait until she is in the right frame of mind.

Tony WK

[Zeal]

Hi again Rosalina,

Having a cry from time to time can actually be beneficial! I don't cry that much myself, but every once in a while I let myself just sit and cry, if I am overwhelmed or feel the need.

It's awesome that you're working towards becoming a teacher! Do you know which year level you'd like to teach to, or which subjects?

All the best!

SM