BPD son in prison, I’m over it

Sunflower62 · ‎03-03-2021

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

Nameless1 · ‎16-12-2021

Hi Sunflower

Yes…It is very tiring. There’s lots of advice on his homage but basically you just want it to finish snd be all over and not gave you think about it.

Take care and I hope you can find some times when you can distract yourself from those thoughts and find some peace.

Nameless1

Nameless1 · ‎22-12-2021

Thinking of everyone in their different situations and send good wishes and and blessings for the week ahead.
These times can trigger reactions and reactions from everyone including ourselves . I know I do that and my Counsellor has worked in that and I’m trying to stay positive so that I am not the one to spoil the day by anticipating the worst in others from past years, and then those things don’t happen because the people have matured and learnt and understand . . ..I don’t want it to be that they have changed but I am the one who isn’t moving forward.
Keeping things simple and easy and relaxing. Changing things to be stress free and flexible.
The year has been demanding and I am tired. Navigating the new path is full of lots of positives but still exhausting. Focusing on the message of the season .. love joy and peace … and healing . Thanks for the support from everyone
Nameless 1
Lokk forward to hearing from you all.

Sunflower62 · ‎23-12-2021

Hi Nameless, the year is almost done and it has certainly had its challenges. I hope your son finds his way and realises he can make positive contributions for himself and those around him. I hope he will be able to find his way forwards and whatever led him down the path in the past has been resolved for him. It will be a quiet Christmas for us. Merry Christmas to you and your family and I hope the New Year brings you joy, happiness and love. 🌻

Nameless1 · ‎03-01-2022

Hi Sunflower62

i hope your Christmas went okay even if quiet and there was some positive times. I hope you didn’t get more difficult questions from people . Did you hear from your son? Last year we didn’t, so don’t be surprised if you didn’t.

if you did, how was he? Getting closer to sentencing.

Our Christmas went okay . Though our son was anxious about it all his girlfriend said, with her help he turned up, had bought presents and contributed by cooking some of the things he learnt at the cottages he lived in when they could order ingredients and cook for themselves and they happened to have a guy serving time with them who had been a chef living with them. … pork, pavlova, marinated meats and interesting salads …before Christmas also made profiteroles,crumbed chicken, roast lambs, lemon meringue pies. It has been a point of relationship building as he cooks and talks and discusses food and a bit about life in prison (cleans up too as an older guy he lived with were super fussy) Definitely more independence and confidence in some areas, less frustration and better problem solving schools… from necessity. In some things, quite uncertain,

He reorganised his room, set up a gym. However he still bottles things up and you feel you still have to be careful how much to ask, but certainly much better than before and not the rage. Just in the normal range of frustration. Moods can be down a bit if he ponders the future of work, and seeing more people, and money.
I hope the food show is not because he is still on parole. That is my fear, but it seems genuine so far.

Other things still challenging like tidying up after he works on his cars outside. Today he couldn’t find things. We left everything as it was in the garage… a huge mess, like he was, full of if his car parts and tools that he had bought when he moved out then brought home with him and left everywhere !! till he wanted an area cleaned for his gym… so we said it had to be tidied. He agreed .

He is gradually sorting and selling and we discussed the frustration so that was good and we could never do that before .
So emotions are up and down. It is great to have him home like this, and not like he was before.
And just little steps everyday .

Nameless1

Sunflower62 · ‎04-02-2022

Sentenced to 12 1/2 years. I am numb. Again he has lied to me. I need to go on with my life. I tried to help him but realise that I can’t. I can no longer carry his burden. I need to let it go for my own sake so that I’m not sucked into his world.

Nameless1 · ‎08-02-2022

Hi Sunflower62
I’m so sorry to hear the out come!! Such a long sentence ..

I hope he can find a job and activities in prison that gives him purpose and teach him new skills, and that he finds a group of men that become like a family and friends
I hope that he can become at some time aware of what he has done and the need for change.
I hope he will work hard at proving he wants to change and can earn the right to eventually move to lower security living in more of a house setting within whatever prison he is at.
I hope he has people who can look out for him by showing he will look out for them.
I hope he stays out of trouble which will help parole.

Prison life can make positive changes and name them see what they did wrong snd be remorseful.
I hope it changes the direction his life was taking like it did with my son.

If he didn’t go to prison I don’t know what he would be like or where he would be. I stopped him from destroying his life with his out of control behaviour that covered up for his sense of loss and his belief he was being betrayed constantly , He is a changed, calmer, person away from his addictions.

Does your son have a parole date? .. earliest release date??
Will you still visit and write?
You don’t have to carry his burden or or condone what he did but your love and support will make a difference .

I know it’s hard, especially as you said the huge lies

The lies of our children are hard, For the amount of sentence, it was a big crime your son committed . Not something you can talk about at all or easily which makes it hard to connect with other friends for fear of judgement , I don’t know whether you need a support group or you just need a break from it all. Just don’t give up on yourself or him.
Look after yourself and keep writing here.

You ARE a good mum!!

Nsmeless1

Sunflower62 · ‎12-02-2022

I had a discussion with his lawyer. It is what it is. He did say one thing, which to me is becoming more and more evident. He referred to my sons mind as restructured reality. This is so true and as my son gets older I can see that his reality is slipping. He is very good at saying what he knows people want to hear. But more and more often he gets it wrong. Sadly I think he will be in some form of institution for the rest of his life. His poor decision making not only make him a risk to other people but himself.

Nameless1 · ‎14-02-2022

Hi Sunflower 62

Im sad to hear that.
They say that a high percentage of those in prison have mental health problems that have resulted in the crimes form underlying problems or PTSD etc . I hope he can get some help by the psychiatrists while in prison. They seemed to help my son while he was in prison and also they can only get more freedom when they are seen to be trying to improve but we haven’t seen him under stress since being out as he isn’t working again yet except on restoring a car at home.

Have you been able to visit ? How are you going ?

Guest_1643 · ‎14-02-2022

Hi sunflower,

What a process you have gone on...it must be so conflicting

I guess when ppl lie and we see it, it's a real challenge for us, to know if we want to see the lie, or ignore it. U sound grounded it reality, and still love for Ur son, which sounds smart.

Sometimes the ppl close to us really let us down, it is hard to detach as we have this bond and loyalty, but it does sound like Ur sons behaviouri has challenged Ur reality too...

My relative was charged with a very disgusting crime

I had to resolve the fact of his sickening behaviour with the fact that I'd always liked and respected him.

Signs were there, but I saw goodness in him.

I believe his victims but it's hard for me to see my family not believe them, it's a hard postipm to be in as a relative, so I really feel for u and send care to you.

Sunflower62 · ‎07-03-2022

Next weekend I will be visiting my son. I will be telling him that I’m moving interstate and I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit next. He will still be able to ring.I’m not sure how he will react but I need to live my life. He is where he is because of a choice he made. It concerns me that he still downplays what he did and tries to minimise his responsibility. That may be just for me of course.