BPD son in prison, I’m over it

Sunflower62 · ‎03-03-2021

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

ecomama · ‎03-10-2021

Hey Sunflower

You can do whatever it takes to get you through.

Gossips are just erk! I had horrible gossip neighbours during my Court cases. I told them to their face that they were just gossips lol. I also used quotes from the Bible as they pretend to be Christian people!
I can thank my Missionary parents for that at least lol!

It's NONE of anyone's business.
Boundaries!

Boundaries are so important for you moving forward. Setting these up will help you compartmentalise the different sectors of your life.

Having ready come backs is a must!

You could say "Oh thankyou for enquiring about my son, that's very kind of you. SO how are you?" deflect deflect deflect. People like to talk about themselves. True gossips will bring it all back to be nosy and get as much info as possible. You know this.

How are YOU doing?

EMxxxx

Nameless1 · ‎04-10-2021

Hi Sunflower
That would have been so hard for you I have experienced the same thing It’s so hard when people ask or dig for information about my son too. And they keep dogging. My husband and I came up with a reply,
I hate to lie but we say he needed space and time away from everything to sort himself out and he as moved to the country . Time to move out of home and be independent. Then there are those who want to know where and what work and what study and is he with friends etc. We just say he has part time work and doing on line study is with people he knows and try desperately to change the topic back tk their kids. .Friends know he has PTSD and are concerned but no one needs to know anything. It is sad as these are long time friends

take care

nameless 1

Sunflower62 · ‎05-10-2021

Yeah, I hate being put on the spot and I was angry that she put me in that position. But next time I’ll probably just be rude and tell her to bugger off.

ecomama · ‎05-10-2021

Well Sunflower, she was being rude by being so nosy so she can get the same.

All good.
EMxxxx

Nameless1 · ‎14-10-2021

Hi Sunflower

Just checking in to see how you are going and your son did in court.

All the waiting is hard!! I hope you are coping. Some days are easier than others .Somedays it weighs so i heavily in your heart and it is hard to stop thinking about the situation my son is in. Other days there is hope and other days I think of the things that can go wrong.
j have been researching parole as he is going though the process but hadn’t heard anything for 6 weeks. I spent a few days going through everything so I knew about it . Then tonight we got a call to say he had a meeting with the parole officer . He sounds positive about getting help etc so I hope he puts in the effort. I have read others experiences snd want to be positive that he can get through and has changed. He certainly sounds much better on the phone and we get regular calls from where he is now. He is able to cook and do more things for himself snd in a smaller unit. He has discussed getting help for continued support for mental health and to stay drug free. I hope he will be willing when the time comes. He has asked for help before and then resisted. This time I guess he has no choice or will end up back in prison!!.
There are still a few unresolved issues from the case that need finalising and I hope they are done soon so he comes out with less things to stress him and trigger reactions.

I’m keeping hopeful, looking after myself and have good support from a few dear friends and counsellor and keeping away from those aren’t and who will be judging and just not telling anyone who will upset me . Taking each day as it comes as that may me sometimes.
Take care Sunflower.
Nameless1

Sunflower62 · ‎31-10-2021

I’ve heard from his lawyer. Court on 8 December. He is pleading guilty and his lawyer believes he will be sentenced at the same time. Just marking time.

Nameless1 · ‎31-10-2021

Hi sunflower

Thanks for the update. We hated the waiting part. Then there is more waiting to see if our son gets parole and If so when . Then the voyage further into the unknown of how he will be and respond to being on parole and all that is happened. They keep it all bottled …hard to talk in the phone or emails.
Let us know how you go on the 8th December . Will you attending in person or AVL?
Thinking of you
Nameless 1

Sunflower62 · ‎02-11-2021

Thank you Nameless, for all your kind thoughts and support. This has been a very difficult time for me on two levels. Firstly because the first time it happened I believed he was innocent. I have had to reconsider my thinking and face the fact that my son is not who I thought he was. Secondly I questioned the role I played. Should I have noticed sooner? Was there something I did / didn’t do? And how I now feel about him emotionally emotionally.

Nameless1 · ‎05-11-2021

Hi Sunflower,

A day doesn’t go by that I don’t have the same thoughts about my role of what I did or didn’t do.
I never imagined I would be going through this or that my loving caring son would change and would end up in prison.
Disappointment for us was that he chose to lie in his police interview, which caused problems on that the police check raised doubts so he ultimately decided to plead guilty for everything. I am glad as his acceptance he has done wrong is important for him to change .
I have changed too through all this too and I have had to chose to use this experiences for good, eg in comforting others ..not to let it make me bitter and hurt and not to let this bad situation control me and destroy me or take away my love. It’s hard and hard been though many emotions and counselling sessions and podcasts and sermons to get to this point.

We spoke to our son again tonight. There is progress in his parole application and PSA reports have none been sent and are being considered but he parole board and hope to hear in a month. He says he wants to prove to everyone e he can get back on track again.

When he rings, he might not want to talk about family, future, plans and deep and meaningful things but happy that he is talking about anything!! …cooking and his skills he is learning in his work… It was exciting to hear about it. I still get off the phone and we hope we said and asked the right thing, especially if he doesn’t ring back for a while , so I am working on trying not to do that!!

Regarding telling people, because he asked us not to tell anyone :We heard from another friend he wrote to that he wanted to be able to explain the situation to them himself. So I am glad that people continually asking about the family didn’t make me feel pressured to tell them. Our vague answer seemed to satisfy . Covid made it easier to explain his absence plus his previously pushed family away anyway.
i think others going though and wonder how in the future I can some how find a way to educate kids not to go down this pathway and end up in prison .
Nameless1

Nameless1 · ‎22-11-2021

Hi All

Parole granted .

Next stage of the journey begins!!

We are going to pick him up soon so we hope he settles well and copes with transition. We are feeling fairly anxious as we remember how he was before and it is hard to shift those memories though we have worked hard to deal with them and to change and grow. He is anxious too after having had a strict routine and n maybe new routines and going to places around a lot of people etc.
meet have had a few chats in the phone and he finally arid he wanted us to tell his brother and sister .. who had guessed but didn’t know the details. He thigh time it would be easier than telling them himself after all . It bade a few things easier.

I will let you know how it all goes!!
Nameless 1