BPD son in prison, I’m over it

Sunflower62 · ‎03-03-2021

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

Nameless1 · ‎24-08-2021

Hi sunflower,

Thanks for replying!! Does he have long to wait for his court hearing? It gets so dragged out doesn’t it!! It is hard for them waiting to know the the sentence, especially if it might be a longer time. It’s hard for you too Im sure as it was for us . We didn’t get to the AVL and we are still waiting for the audio which takes a few weeks after you fill in and put in a form to get approval and then wait to wait snd get it mailed to you, Our lawyer said he asked for a invite for us but we didn’t get one in the end. I just want to know what he had to go through and what was said.,, even though lawyer gave us a run down

I think my son was actually glad to be out of remand and in the sentenced area as he said it is more relaxed snd everyone has something to do.., work etc and programmes and trying to be on good behaviour for favourable reports, lots of incentives to behave I guess However after letting know he was okay he has gone back to not contacting us again as he did before. However I am not so concerned this time. Last time he was busy with his study and work and gym and was okay. He was just not trying to think about home too much snd getting hopes us too much again. At home it’s hard here in lockdown being trapped in the house. Like a prison for most people these days isn’t it. And we can’t visit as it’s been in lockdown most of the time he has been there . He didn’t cope last year at home during Covid leading to arrest and I think contributed to it.
I hope it all goes well for you leading up to hearing. I got very stressed just not knowing what would happen so found it good to keep as busy as possible.
Speak again soon I hope

nameless1

Sunflower62 · ‎30-08-2021

Still waiting for the police to present their case. He has told me that he may plead guilty to some of the stuff but will depend what comes up. Until then we wait. He has not asked for bail for which I am very grateful. I don’t think I would be able to cope with him living with us. I really try not to think about it. I can’t change anything. He has made his choice.

Nameless1 · ‎31-08-2021

Hi Sunflower

It takes so long. So he is still in remand then. How are you dealing with things at the moment ? I find it easier now court hearing is over and the sentence handed out, but their have been a few things that needed sorting out after, so then it makes you go over the last few years and feel sad and quite down. The hardest time used to be when the lawyer rang as he would fill us in with what things were up to in preparation for the hearing and what he and our son had decided and pass news on to us from our son.

Then when we heard from
our son particularly in the early days and knowing it was a struggle would make us anxious for days. The phone would ring and my heart would race. This was a whole new world we had never envisioned ans didn’t understand and we would have to learn to deal with. Legal jargon ans procedures that we struggled with. Criminals weren’t just on TV anymore and it changed how we felt about watching police shows, that’s for sure… I broke out in a sweat. When people mentioned prison and prisoners in derogatory ways it made me feel panicky.
Now he is sentenced with a bit more of an idea of what is happening, it’s a bit different. We sort of feel a bit numb too… in this in between stage of not having to deal with the hearing anyway and him coming home straight away and knowing it will be at least a few more months and finding out from the parole board when he will be coming home. A bit of breathing space before the next lot of anxiety we will feel in dealing with him coming home.
We have also had time to process the events leading up to all this.
Most importantly we have learnt how to get back to living life and growing and changing so we can be better parents, and so we can reach out to others for through their own struggles. We have other family who need our love and support too in different ways, but just as much.
We still haven’t told many people where he is … for his benefit and our ours because of the judgement of others but the few who know are very supportive .
We heard from our son recently. He is working and doing a course and exercising and sounded pretty good and was chatty. He doesn’t ring much or say too much about his life in prison except for the basics. He seems ready to come home and get on with life and make positive changes which we hope he will be able to do.

Take care

Nameless1

Sunflower62 · ‎10-09-2021

My son is likely to be imprisoned for a while. I worry about what will happen to him when he is released. Where he’ll go, what’ll he’ll do, what sort of future is left for him. I can’t think about it too much because I have no answers.

Nameless1 · ‎27-09-2021

Hi Sunflower

just checking in to see how you are.

The underlying worries are always there and it can make it worse thinking about things we have no answers for , I agree. Sometimes things come up that makes you have to think about things. Recently we finally got an audio recording of the hearing as were sent the link that we requested and that the lawyer organised. I felt it was important to have heard all that was said from the lawyer and my sons pint of view and to hear the views of the magistrate and prosecutor. Well it was very hard and I was very emotional and it has taken time to settle again… my husband said it was probably like scratching at a wound that had been healing. There are still things that need following up and I don’t want them hanging around still when he comes home with the stresses that will come from that. I too can become fearful with the unknowns. My life coach has been giving me some useful skills in managing that along with lots of prayer!!
I hope you are dealing okay with the ups and downs of having a son in prison. I know there will always be that underlying feeling of worry and concern which I wish wasn’t there, but learning to cope with that has opened my eyes to what others have going on in their lives and has given me more compassion. Hating the idea of judgement from others has made me be careful not to be hasty in judging others. My husband and I have changed a lot from this experience. We fortunately have grown closer not apart!! My son normally won’t speak to my husband, not because of anything he has done, but just part of his whole package of issues. However the other day my son rang when I wasn’t home and my son was happy to speak to his dad finally!! My husband has worked with the counsellor .. we both have…on how to improve the relationship and better ways of saying and asking things. We have written emails together reminding our son of our love for him and our support and that’s all we can do. He could be out on parole in the next few months, but not sure . Depends on many factors
Thinking of you .

Nameless 1

Sunflower62 · ‎29-09-2021

Finally there will be an appearance in court (well by video link) in October. He has said he will probably plead guilty and hopes this will be acknowledged at sentencing. His lawyer has said it maybe 5+ years. At the end of the day I have to get on with my life. He made his choice and there is nothing I can do to change it. He is a lot mentally sicker than I realised. I hope things work out for your son and that he is able to turn his life around. Take care 💗

Nameless1 · ‎29-09-2021

Hi Sunflower62.
I’m glad there is a date. That is the biggest hurdle. I was told that it is better in the sentenced area as they can get more help and do more courses. That seems to be the case. People are working towards going the right thing, right courses, good attitude, working and the pressure of waiting for sentence has gone and atmosphere not so tense.
someone told me prison might be the right and best place to be especially at the moment snd considering the situation he had hit himself into. However we continue to live and support him however we can when he wants it. And yes we do have go on with our lives as hard as it can be. Finding how to change ourselves to be strong in the situation. Good people in our lives have helped a lot.
The path my son was on wasn’t heading in a good direction and 2 arrests hadn’t stopped him and his thinking was very blurred. He was fortunate he didn’t get longer and pleading guilty and his background of his situation did help. The sentence came with a firm encouragement that he needed to take the opportunity he was being given to rehabilitate as they saw he was capable of doing that and make a positive difference to the community.
I pray he does.

Mental illness certainly does lead to poor choices, and they are unable to see that they are falling fast into a deep hole. Routines and sleep all over the place etc.

At this time, snd from another couple today , things seems to have changed a lot. The early delays when first in remand were hard but he seems settled in his routine and in low security because he kept his head down and stayed out of trouble.

He sounds more like who he was a few years ago before the PTSD and anxiety. From what I hear however the transition home can be challenging. He will be leaving strict routine snd a regular job and exercise to have to start again and I I hope it doesn’t trigger off the old behaviour. Faith by my husband and I is required!! Hopefully your son will respond well and take the opportunity to turn his life around too.

Thinking of you in the lead up to the court case. Please stay in touch.

nameless 1

Sunflower62 · ‎01-10-2021

Too be honest, I would really rather not think about it. My soul is weary. I only see him for about an hour every couple of weeks and that is hard work. I’m emotionally drained at the end of it. Now that the rose coloured glasses are off and I can see him for who he really is I struggle to reconcile that I could birth something so damaged. The really sad thing is he can’t see who he really is and the damage that he has left in his wake. I’ve learnt that it is a waste of my breath to discuss it with him. He is incapable of self reflection. I don’t know what will become of him but my mum summed it up. When he is in prison he feels safe because he knows the boundaries.

ecomama · ‎02-10-2021

Dearest Sunflower62, hugs.

These are such devastating events for you to realise and to go through. My heart aches for you as a mother and as a woman. Sending you mountains of love.

In my eyes you are also a victim of your son's actions.
What he's done could destroy you.

Please, PLEASE don't allow this to be so.

Indeed you realise there's nothing you can do to change your son now.

Whatever he has done is NOT your fault.

We have a Self-care Thread. I urge you to practice some self-care. Know that others see you for who you really are, a beautiful loving mother and wonderful caring woman.
We're here for you and hope you can get through this and be okay.

Love always
EMxxxx

Sunflower62 · ‎03-10-2021

I had to lie yesterday when someone asked me about him. They had my some assumptions and I really didn’t want to discuss it with her. She said my son had been seen being arrested. I said I didn’t know what she was talking about. He had moved back to our home state. I don’t think she was convinced. Thing is, I know, even though she pretended sympathy all she was after was gossip. I don’t like lying but in this case I don’t care. No matter how she dresses it up, it’s none of her business.