BPD son in prison, I’m over it

[Sunflower62]

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff

I hope all is okay with your other matters. I know you can’t always reply straight away and I do appreciate your time and comments.

The people that were going through similar things on the one thread don’t often reply and haven’t for a while again, which is a shame as it would be good to hear there comments more. The other comments are still very valuable and supportive and give advice from having been involved in the police and prison systems or other hardships of their own .

We have written regularly to our son and we wrote again during the week We encourage him to ring or write when he feels up to it and we remind him we love him and will always love him no matter what. We ask him what he would like to hear about and if me needs anything etc . We tell him we are proud of his attitude towards learning and working and going to gym etc. . We tell him what we are doing.

We understand all the issues he has gone through and have tried to help him not blame him.

Other things we read about prison and from the police when they came here implied that we weren’t tough enough and enabled him to keep going in his activities . We still feel the sting of the comments they made to us when they came. Covid made it difficult to get the help he needed and to go to rehab like has been planned with all the problems ma y others were facing. He couldn’t work and was struggling. He was improving and making changes. We still feel guilty that maybe if we had somehow done things differently we wouldn’t have got to this. But we didn’t know all that was going on in his life … some of the time he didn’t live at home or was very private … good at putting on the face he wanted us to see…he was an adult. Anyway…Hindsight is a dangerous thing. We need to go forward from here and it back over things we can’t change . Better knowledge and more wisdom!!

Thanks again for your time, and reminders, and advice and suggestions.

Nameless1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, we always think back in life and believe that 'if' we did this or didn't allow that to happen, then circumstances would be different, may be, but everything was totally different back then, because theoretically, 1 + 1 = 2, but it's not as easy as that, there could be much you have to endure before this can happen, and the same when planning something else.

Situations change as do people and from what he's been through while being locked up, just as what you and your husband have experienced, how you are going to react to different situations isn't necessarily going to be the same as years before, a different son will emerge out of lock up, and how you react to what may happen may catch you inexpediently, so it's how much grace you are prepared to allow him.

I wish I could say that it's going to be easy and may be it might, I hope so for all of you.

My best.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff

It is interesting you mention Grace. This word has come up a lot lately. The grace we are shown is the grace we must show others!!
Same with forgiveness and compassion. You always think it will be easy to show grace. I believe in showing grace and forgiveness . It seemed easy …why wouldn’t you?…till a hard situation comes up and it is harder than you think. Showing grace but still setting boundaries , showing forgiveness but not enabling bad behaviour, showing compassion but not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.
What will happen to his thinking after a prison sentence , who knows . I don’t know what it will be like and our son was always one for saying “we didn’t know what it was like “. But as you said , we have all changed and will react differently . Hopefully the time away from everything, and those he was involved with, and unhealthy habits has cleared his head and thinking and healed his body and mind and he will be in a good space to have a fresh start.
He has learnt some new skills and hopefully will do the courses to transition back into community and family and work.
We didn’t tidy his car stuff on his side of the garage in the end and there is gym equipment he wanted to set up a gym… wasn’t sure whether to leave that job for something for him to do or tidy it up so he can set up his gym. He may not even want to come home or be allowed to come home. .. depends on the conditions of parole. Still 4 months or more till that happens .

Thanks for replying and helping us see things in a different light!!

Nameless1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, we may be able to show grace to somebody else, but we don't know whether or not they will appreciate what we've said or find it somehow condescending, but we have done our best to ease a situation that could be difficult to approach, how they react is up to them, but you have a cleared head and the problem could be with them and unfortunately, how many times does this happen to any of us.

If you tidy up his gym equipment and doing so in good faith, it may not be how he wanted it to be and may react negatively, which will disappoint you in trying to help, so if you say to him, 'we had thought about doing this for you but it might not be how you wanted it to be' is an excellent way to overcome this situation, and you're right he may not decide to come home, for the same reason people don't want to be asked about their depression on a continuous basis, he may feel the same and may not want to be asked, he will talk in his own time and secrets will evolve over time.

His parole may be difficult for him to accept and sorry if it is, but all you want is for him to come home and feel the love you have for him.

My best thoughts.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff

Just an update I spoke to my son today …first time in a few weeks.,and he is remaining positive about the next few months and parole. He was happy to talk about what he was doing and what things were like . He got a good report due to involvement in work courses and attitude and is earning some money . He rang to let us know he was going okay . He said the sentenced area was different and actually people a bit more settled than in remand as they busy focussing on doing programmes and courses before release. He may move to another lower security area eventually if all goes well. We are very proud of the effort he is making !!

Hope all is well with you

Nsmeless 1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I'm sorry I had replied but the site was under maintenance and it didn't go through, so I'll try and remember what I said, although it is confusing.

I'm really pleased you have spoken to your son, that must have been such a relief for you as well as for him and it's good if he may be moved to a lower security, that will make him feel a little less controlled and positive for his ability to be able to think with a clear mind and relieve a bit of pressure on you and your husband.

Just stay strong and disregard any unforeseen comments by those around you, we all make mistakes during our life and if we are grossly criticised and looked down upon, then that only makes your position to be lonely, that's not what I want, there is still much to look forward to and yes there will be some hiccups along the way, none of us are perfect by any extent, and what we think is right, somebody else will disagree, but it's our decision and if these type of people are harassing you, then don't let them visit you.

This is nothing like what I had previously type, I'm sorry, but try and stay strong.

My best thoughts.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Thanks Geoff

Thanks for your reply and helpful comments!!

Nameless 1

[Sunflower62]

Hi Nameless one

i haven’t visited this site for a while so I missed your initial comment. My son is still in remand and has been advised by his lawyer that he could be looking at 8 - 10 years…depending on the day and the judge. On a positive note at least when he is in jail I know where he is and that he is relatively safe. I guess nowadays I try not to think about it too much. There is not much I can do. Hope this finds you well. Sunflower

[ecomama]

Dear Sunflower

Thanks for coming back in and checking in on your thread. Hugs!

Yes indeed your strong, positive mindset is what will keep you afloat IMO during this extremely challenging time.

Please remember that the 1800RESPECT Helpline is there for you too!
I consider you a victim in this scenario, hopefully you understand that perspective as supportive and not offensive.

Hey nameless1,

It's fantastic that your son has entered some programs and is doing well.

I 100% echo Geoff's wise words - not sure of the context but seems ppl are criticising you?

Have you read "Its Not the Critic That Counts" by the AMAZING Teddy Roosevelt?
(Brought to light AGAIN by the marvellous Brene Brown).

You've both been PUSHED into this corner by actions and events NOT of your doing.

I think you could all benefit from watching some Brene Brown YouTube clips / Ted Talks.
She is a researcher on Courage, Vulnerability, Shame.

She's also written lots of books. I have a few - hard reads but good if you've watched her work online.

Books with the word "Imperfect" in the title lol just as Geoff said. No one's perfect and if they say they are then that's hogwash lol.
"Imperfect Parenting" is one of Brene's books.

EMxxxx

[Sunflower62]

The only way I have been able to cope is to think of him as being very mentally unwell and that his poor choices and decision making has come from a place of sickness. I guess now that the “blinkers” are off, I can see the reality he creates for himself. At the end of the day he knows what he did is wrong. He’ll be in his 40s by the time gets out.