BPD son in prison, I’m over it

[Sunflower62]

My son has been arrested for the second time. He was arrested in 2015, trial and sentencing in 2016, released 2018. I believed him when he said he didn’t do it. He has BPD. I thought he had turned the corner and was getting his life on track. Had started studying, got a job, seemed to be ok. Then last week he was arrested again. He went before a judge, remanded in custody until end of April, no bail. His name suppressed. I don’t know what he has been charged with but have been told it’s serious. I don’t know what to think or what to do. I don’t think I know my son at all. I know longer trust him, I really don’t want to deal with it but there is no one else. I’m angry and sad. Other than my partner nobody knows. I’d rather he just didn’t exist anymore. I’m a terrible mother for thinking.

[Nameless1]

Thanks Geoff,

Very useful. Thankyou … and some good to keep for future reference.

Just a quick reply … will check in again soon

Nameless 1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I hope so, good luck.

My best.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff, Just an update. The lawyer hoped for a CCO and release and our son put his hopes on that , but the magistrate decided that he should have a longer sentence but with a decent length parole which means he still has a few more months to go before coming home which he has been looking forward too.

!Our son was disappointed as he wanted to come home now. We would like him home but we just wanted, that either way, he would get help for his issues whatever the conditions of his release, and that he was ready to make the changes and be committed to putting in the effort . I’m not sure which is better, but the lawyer said on parole there are things he will have to do to an spade of that will be appointments etc sonI know either way our son will be challenged on what changes are needed . Although he knew the possibilities he unfortunately had focussed on the desired outcome rather than what the magistrate could actually handout. The magistrate believed in the general deterrence factor of his sentence as well.

I’m not sure how many days are accrued as benefit days or emergency or something like that …days that take time off the sentence because of COVID? we were told about that and our son wasn’t sure.
im

ot sure how hard it is to get parole … he has been trying hard to keep his head down and away from

teouble and do his course, work etc I’m hoping that he can get access to a few more transitional courses as well as keep doing his work and other course and gym.
I hope that his disappointment won’t make him stop doing those things that were helping. For us, the extra time will go quickly but for him probably slower. . Much better doing something than just sitting around.
COVID lockdowns over the last year and a bit have been hard for visiting
. Our lawyer tried to get us a link for the court case but one wasn’t so we didn’t even get to be there with him in court which we are very sad about.

This forum has been so valuable in encouraging me. You must have have experience in this area somehow to be so supportive .

Thankyou

Nameless1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I'm sorry that he's not allowed to come home, magistrates change so much, some are softer than another and if the lawyer knows who is going to magistrate they will try and defer the case, but this might not happen when someone is already locked up, it must be disappointing for all of you.

You do hear that some sentences are reduced because of COVID but this depends on the charge, hopefully, he will eventually realise the more work he does in regards to the course etc the quicker the time will pass and the more he learns, this will make the time pass quickly for him and is a way that forces him to study, whereas if he's out he may easily get distracted, in a good way.

It must have been extremely disappointing not to have a link to the court case, but in some way, there may be information heard that could shock you unnecessarily, so in one way it may be good and the other concerning.

I don't have any experience at all, although I had two brothers in laws as solicitors and a nephew who is also one, the BIL's I haven't seen for a long time and actually one borrowed a large amount of money off my ex and myself years ago, which has never been paid back and done the same to other people, he has been bankrupted twice and debarred, but I don't have any qualifications at all.

Please keep me informed whenever you want to, I'm really happy to reply.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Thanks Geoff,

The lawyer went through the court proceedings with us in a lot of detail. He has been great at communicating with us all along. It could have been worse . Lawyer managed to keep the case in the magistrates court and not county court. The sentence was in the parameters of what he considered reasonable though. You are right. Some things could have been confronting to hear.

We will just keep busy too. We saw our counsellor and talked things through, my husband and I have done projects around the house that need doing amd hopefully our son will plan some things to himself keep busy amd prepare himself.
I need to read up more about parole and talk to the lawyer again about it. He will go through with our son what he needs to do to s as poly for parole .we are hoping he stays where he is for the next few months… they have sentenced prisoners as well as remand. and with COVID lockdowns I would think they would keep him there.

Thanks for listening and being encouraging

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff,
Well I think the hanging out for all the events of this last week is taking its toll.
I’m irritable and grumpy and. not sleeping well. I was worried about him if he came home, and now I am worrried he is not for a little while yet as I don’t how he will deal with the change from remand to sentence and getting parole. I know what to say to myself tobb now irk through this as it is how I battled before, but the emotions are a little raw and it is easier to give in to them.
Made worse that my gym is closed. Though I can and do exercise at home I liked the trainer and her positivity towards the work I am putting in.
I usually garden and walk but it has been very wet here for most of the time. Can’t see my grandson due to lockdown so that lovely distraction is gone. I will doing some online work which will keep me busy with music and composing snd the kids are entertaining g … and we still have our counselling session. My husband and I have been a bit niggly with each other too which isn’t normal so we did discuss that today. Wonderfully though I have had heaps of calls from people I haven’t heard from for a while, and as long as they don’t prod past the general “ how is your son doing”I will be fine.

Most know about the PTSD and know not to ask too much about my sons issues apart from knowing he is struggling but getting help but living away from home, has some work and study and likes going to the gym. They don’t need yo know where he is doing all that. He doesn’t want us to say and we won’t. Only our counsellor and ministers from church and one very close friend of his does. COVID makes that easier and he is at the age that lots of young adults live out and don’t see family much.
Life can certainly be challenging!!

All we can do is let it make us stronger and use it to help others struggling

Nameless 1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I see you are participating in another thread which is great, and what you and your husband are being niggly about, is only circumstantial, nobody knows what's going to happen when he's released, we always hope the best will be the case, but you can't judge what his parole is going to entail and how he's going to handle it, you can only hope he is so pleased to be free.

You're right, nobody needs to know anything about him because once someone knows, they tell someone else and say, 'don't tell anybody but ************', then rumours start, you don't need that to begin, otherwise it all ends up a complete mess, that's not fair on you, nor your son, especially when people you haven't heard from for a long time, all of a sudden ring you up and want to know everything, just tell them 'you don't know'.

Doing any exercise at home is not the same as going to the gym, you meet different people, do extra exercises and enjoy the surroundings, whereas at home it's not the same and may not complete them satisfactorily.

You might be able to watch an exercise program on TV, maybe Netflix if you have it, this is cheap for a monthly conscription and has no ads, or perhaps someone else has paid for it and you can use it for free, I have it and both my sons can watch it for zilch and my two little granddaughters can watch the cartoons.

Life is always challenging, it just depends on how we are able to cope with it, so please look after yourself and take care.

My thoughts.

Geoff.

[Nameless1]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your supportive comments!! Good idea about the Netflix. I had gone to s special gym due to any injury but as it’s ok now, that would be good !! Hadn’t thought of that … and we have Netflix already.

I went on 3 threads as they were very active when I joined. You have been great in supporting me and give good advice here and I will continue on here if that is okay . I’m not sure how it goes with who you reply and what the threads you go on.to No one else with family in prison comments so I went to another thread I had read. Croix replies there and he gives advice from an ex police out of view and so that is good too and again very supportive, but again no one with family in prison responds to that. The third thread was a man who was involved in the prison area of things but has been helpful and now some others are active again who have siblings in prison.
inoresume it is okay to be on multiple threads?

We are feeling a bit better this week as the weather is better so we can go out side to garden. Still need to write to our son to encourage him as he hasn’t contacted us again. Lawyer was going to contact us again after he spoke to him again to let us know what is happening.

Many thanks,

Nameless 1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, sorry I haven't got back to you, but I certainly will, I've just been involved in other important matters away from the forums, and will reply shortly.

I just wanted to let you know and I'm sorry.

My best.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I'm really pleased that other threads interest you, especially when it comes to a similar situation and other people may have different views and that's always a positive outcome as they have other types of experience.

When you have an injury it's only compounded to make you feel worse when you are in a situation like this, I'm so sorry.

Your son must be so despondent and understand why he hasn't the strength to write, he's probably not sure what to say because it's not going to alter his case, he deserves your love and compassion, sometimes we're just caught up in doing something that one day we know we shouldn't have, but the blame can be too harsh, that's when it's not fair.

I am so very sorry as you probably have been waiting for me to reply, my apologies.

My best thoughts.

Geoff.