BP exhausted

[uber]

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. During that time she has had 4 manic BP episodes, typically 2 years apart, always starting in Spring. Although she was diagnosed sometime back with BP 1, she generally wont accept the diagnosis and believes she is "high functioning" and self medicates. Each episode last for 4 to 6 months, starts slowly then accelerates before the inevitable crash.

I have educated myself on BP because I had no knowledge of it, needed to understand what I was getting myself into and to distinguish the illness from the actions. Even with all this knowledge I have to admit this time I'm stuffed, its been months again of reckless spending, brought a new car even though she had one already, refinanced the home loan redrawing 40k, buying stupid and ridiculous gumtree items, starting a million projects and not finishing one, wanting to party party all the time, and yes aggressive and nasty towards me because I am trying to stop her from making the same dumb decisions she always does. This is always the pattern unfortunately, and then it takes another year to undo all the stupid mistakes.

She also is naturally very sexual, and during a manic episode becomes hyper sexual, contacts old boyfriends (just to catch up), recounts the same intense love stories of previous lovers over and over again like she is living it presently. They are always the same stories and same people. Although, she says she has never cheated there have been many instances where this probably occurred, and she will say things during a episode like, "I need to tell you something important, we need to have that talk", then within a blink of the eye changes tact to say we can have that talk another day. When eventually that "other day" arrives, generally post episode, she always claims she has memory lapses and cannot remember what she said or did.

I am almost at the end of what I can tolerate, I have asked her to come to counselling but she refuses, I want to go to the DR with her but she will only go alone, she fluctuates between I love you, to days of constant harassment, arguing, if I have an opinion different to hers WW3 breaks out. thinks its funny to tell me how she slept with someone on the weekend only to laugh and think it was funny to see my reaction, because off course she didn't, and apparently I deserved to feel on edge because I haven't supported her enough. I'm so spun out  at the moment, exhausted and left wondering.

[Croix]

Dear Uber~

It can be really heart-rending to see the person your partner behave in such an irrational manner. The person you love disappears and this other wild stranger emerges.

I guess it is frightening too, with her ability to damage you emotionally by disregarding your welfare and also dredging up old flames. Add to that the risk involved in what she may do with your finances.

I guess it boils down to having boundaries and how much you are prepared to accept. By the sound of it the whole relationship is basically untenable. Trying to deal with the emotional and practical damage after the event - particularly if her memory of her actions is faulty - is not something anyone can do time after time.

Plus of course a partnership does mean ongoing mutual support, not all one way.

I guess if it was me the fact she she showed such disregard for how I felt would hurt the most - even if one can point to illness as the underlying reason.

Actually you have a situation many who come here find themselves in. A loved one needs competent medical help, and for whatever reason will not cooperate in getting it. With an adult they can't be forced - only persuaded. If that does not work everyone is stuck.

While there is nothing to stop you visiting her doctor and setting everything out, so he/she will at least know there is an alternative version to her history, I'm not sure how much good just doing that will do. She has to see the problem and want to get better.

You did mention that there were fairly extensive gaps between each episode. I would presume you have tried in these more reasonable periods to get her to have treatment - no luck? Also is there anyone else she listens to -perhaps a parent or other family member - who might be more successful?

All this will have taken a fair toll on you, and unless you take some sort of action looks like it is going to continue to do so. Do you have any support yourself. Being able to talk over such problems in a frank manner and receive understanding and maybe some extra perspective can be a great thing.

Do you have a plan you are considering?

I do hope you can continue here and keep on talking

Croix

[quirkywords]

Uber

Welcome to the forum and thaks for sharing your story.

You mention the manic episodes last 4-6 months , that is a very long time o wonder you are exhausted and I assume your partner would be too. I was wondering how long her depressed cycle lasts more. You mentioned the crash but not how long she is low for and what her depression is like.

I have bipolar and my cycles were 6-8 weeks manic and 6-8 weeks depressed. For myself I created enough chaos in 6-8 weeks so I can imagine what a mth manic episode would be like. I was in denial for a long time and no amount of reasoning or arguing or nagging would make me change. The highs even though I later realised were more destructive than my lows, at the time I was having so much fun and I had no idea what chaos I caused.

Many people with bipolar only ask or receive help when depressed and I know as soon as I was High I ditched the help because I felt I was well again.

Does your partner feel guilty when she is not high and realises what she has done or she truly does not remember it? I did recall it all which made me more depressed and ashamed.

I feel the best time to discuss with her how you feel is when she is nether high nor low, as Croix mentioned too.

I am thinking 4 episodes in 10 years plus the lows still leaves a lot of time whe she is ok. Or during those times are you trying to do damage control for all the impulsive decisions.

You are very understanding but there is only so much you can handle and as Croix says you need to look after yourself.

I did get help and take medication and now I use my experience to help others.

Quirky

[uber]

Hi Croix

Thanks for your reply. Fortunately I guess I have worked in allied health for a long time and have experience with mental illness and do not judge the illness even if at times it can be difficult. I thought that this would be a positive for my partner who is in her early 40s, never married and has had a few unsuccessful relationships. In the whole she is a wonderful person, and thankfully her depressive periods are not that long or as bad as her manic episodes. During her depressive period, she retreats, but it very affectionate to me, she adopts other symptoms like hair pulling and compulsive nail biting (both of these stop almost immediately when she has a manic episode), but in general is much easier to deal with. I have attempted to engage her family (parents) on a few occasions, but they are ignorant to mental health. Her mother actively supports her belief that she is not BP and the psychiatrists are all wrong (a few years back she was hospitalised for three weeks and was that bad in the first week that she was sedated). but still her mother refuses to accept that her daughter has a problem, so unfortunately there is no support there. After each manic period, we have long conversations, come up with strategies to help her / us in the future, and put rules in place. But as soon as she experiences another episode these are all forgotten and ignored. She has told me often that she loves the high, how it makes her feel, how great everything is, how its like a drug for her. I fear that she enjoys the high so much that she dosen't want to address the damage it causes to her and those around her. Anyone close, me, family, her children suddenly become boring, she finds new friends and new activities and with them, many more unexplained occurrences, which after 10 years have built up a back log of unexplained and unanswered questions. I do my best each and every time to move forward, but this time I am over just ignoring stuff and having to accept what she says and does. The gambling is becoming a problem again (pokies) and more often than not an hr outing turns into 3 to 4 hours with no explanation other then to attack me for being so mistrusting and suspicious. She just dosen't get it, and maybe is incapable of understanding how her actions and behaviours make is so unsettling to be in a relationship...I am starting to think she never will

[uber]

Hi Quirky

Thanks for your response, its good to speak to someone who understands and experiences the same. Each manic period has exactly the same cycle...1 to 2 weeks she starts to accelerate this is when I try to get her to see a DR because it is the only time she is rational so to speak...but she typically never does and self medicates..3 to 5 weeks roughly the racing thoughts, disjointed conversations fixation on work and old friends...this is a hard period as I can literally go hours just sitting there listening to her rant and rave trying to work out which conversation she is having with me etc, it is also during this period that I cant talk, meaning if I do its either ignored or I am accused of not listening to her and a big fit ensues...5 to 7 weeks roughly is the constant talk of the past, I have to be very careful during this stage, often she will recount something her ex partners did and then turns on me as if I was the person, often I have had to remind her that I am not that person...she snaps out of it eventually only to do it again, sometimes just hours apart. Then the real problems (so to speak start), around the 2 month she starts with the insults against me, I'm to old for her (7 yrs apart), I am to big for her (I train a lot in the gym and am in pretty good shape for my age) she only likes small guys, I'm too boring etc etc, its around this time that I get really worried as I can see in her an anger towards me that wants to lash out and its around this time that the mysterious phone messages and 2am late nights on the computer happen. After it all finally settles down, she becomes depressive for a few months, its not very low, she does start pulling her hair and compulsive nail biting, but actually becomes very affectionate towards me. The part that drives me nuts, and as a fellow BP, is it true that you cant remember what you did. I appreciate that not every conversation can be recalled because so much is said, but actions surely they cant be forgotten so easily. She has explained this to me, that she just puts aside anything bad she dosent want to remember and just forgets it and cant recall...is that just an excuse I dont know...as I said Im stuffed exhausted and frustrated because I would stand by her even if she did stupid things, all I ask for in return is full disclosure and a strategy to try and prevent this from happening again.

[quirkywords]

Uber

Thanks for your reply. You have really detailed her highs and I would have just said for me 8weeks up 8 down but of course there are little changes and patterns Thats I see it now but not back then.

Everyone is different as I said I thought I remembered everything but years alter I will blush remembering something I had forgotten or a relative may bring up something. I am sure some people may block it out.

When I was depressed my family and partner preferred that as they knew where I was and I was docile. Of course I hated being low and couldn't wait for the fun to begin .

So is there a time when your partner is not manic not depressed but sortofstable? Could you talk to her then?

I personally and this is just my opinion others may disagree that while I now know I was sick and am not excusing my behaviour but I did lose any boundaries and everything was impulsive. I do take responsibility for my behaviour as I did not take medication but back then there was not much information around . I still feel guilty and have apologised to people .

I can see how exhausted you are and how hard you try to help and I feel guilty because i know I put loved ones through that too.

I think if someone was depressed all the time they would seek help but the mania is very seductive and it makes us believe it is enjoyable and fun when it can be so destructive. Plus other people don't believe you can be sick when happy of course it is much more than being happy.

I hope it doesnt sound bleak- there is hope but the person has to ask for it .

Is there anyone who can help you.

The Black Dog Insitute has a good webiste mainly about bipolar and they resources about living with someone with bipolar.

Quirky

[FragileFamily]

Of all the threads I've read through here this one is the most similar to my situation. Only it's the 3Rd time in our 3 year relationship. We have 2 children together to boot. One is from a previous relationship on her side but I am Dad to her. She is also undiagnosed but I am certain there are issues at play similar to what you're describing. I fought and fought to keep the family together and to resolve civilly to no avail. Thankfully I have care of the children at the moment so they are safe. What is the best move going forward. I am trying to focus on myself and the children. I have an urge to continue no contact as she try's to contact me everyday for one reason or another. I do have hope we can reconcile but at this stage I don't believe it's a realistic possibility. Should I remain supportive or shut her out for awhile?

[Rustler]

Hi Uber,

I'm not sure how helpful I can be as I'm in the same boat as you. Fortunately for me my partner is BP2 and his manic phases are only about 4-5 days (the depression can last months) but he creates havoc in that time. It is in this phase that he has no concept of how his actions are impacting other people. His Mr Hyde personality! He often also doesn't remember what he said (although he remembers what he did) in this time. I'll often spend days ruminating on something he said only for him to say "did I say that??". On this point... his overall memory is not great anyway.

It's quite common for him to leave me when he's manic and push me away. Once he comes off the high and into the low then he sees the damage and goes through the guilt/shame cycle as we try to move forward.

Medication and healthy living is the key but of course as soon as they get high/low the good health goes out the window which exacerbates it. At least this time he stayed on his meds.

I know I could not cope through highs that go as long as you mention. I keep going as the good times we have when he is stable are exceptional. The up side is that he does talk a lot about how he's feeling.

No easy answer for you but one thing is for sure... it won't change. This is their life and their reality so you and I - the partners - need to be sure our needs are being fulfilled along the way.

My thoughts are with you.