Boyfriend recently started Antidepressants

[maddie24]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, and just hoping there's maybe someone out there going through a similar thing or who has gone through it, who could maybe shed some light for me...feeling so desperate 😞

My boyfriend (he's 32, I'm 31), who I've only been seeing since January, so it's a new relationship, is depressed. He has been for years, but never went onto any medication or sought professional help, untill recently. He was suffering terribly insomnia, which drove him to seek help. They first put him onto an antidepressant which worked really well in the beginning, untill they increased the dose. It made him crave alcohol in excessive amounts, which he'd never wanted before, he's not a big drinker. They lowered the dose back to the original one, but it just kept geting worse, so they changed his meds to another one. He's been on that now, but he is still in a bad way. It's as though he has no filter, he just wants to be destructive, drink, has thought of doing drugs (!!!), and the worst part is, he says he feels completely disconnected from me, and entirely uninterested in love. He is only happy when he is by himself, and he feels more and more that being alone and destructive is how he actually WANTS to be. Every now and then he sees reason and realises that this can't be right, but then he slips back again. I have begged him to so speak to his psychiatrist, as he is clearly on the wrong medication, and I just know that the right medication will sort him out again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him very much, and I will support him throughout it all like I always have, but I'm really hurting. He doesn't want to see me, because he says being around me just reminds him how much he has changed into a distant person and it makes him feel worse. He isn't affectionate in his texts anymore, and I am just terrified that I'm losing him. He says that it feels as though he's losing his mind. I know that he can't control what he's going through, and that the meds are affecting him, but I just feel so entirely helpless. I love him and I really don't want to lose him because of something like this, but it feels like he is slipping away from me, and I don't know what to do.

 Sorry for the rambling, just feeling utterly defeated. Would appreciate any feedback, thank you all in advance xx 

[maddie24]

I haven't stopped crying for 2 days now, I just really feel so helpless, I'm watching the man I love slip away from me and it's killing me. If there is anyone who has been through a similar experience please get in touch, just want to know I'm not alone and that it does get better, it must.

[White_Rose]

Dear Maddie

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you have found this site and you feel able to write in. I have not been in your situation although in the past I have broken up with boyfriends.

I still would like to make a couple of suggestions. Please read as much as you can about depression. It really is helpful to have some knowledge about how this wretched illness affects people. Explore the tabs at the top of the page, read the information and send for any material you want.

You could write to your boyfriend's psychiatrist and explain what is happening. I doubt the psych will respond to you as he is unable to discuss his patients with anyone. However, it will give him some idea of what is happening if your BF is not being open. However you may cause a rift between yourself and the BF. You also need to be sure the BF really has not told the psych about the things that concern you.

You could go and see your GP and ask for some advice on how to manage your own emotions. I think this would be a good thing for you to do. No matter how well or not your BF is traveling it is up to you to manage your own feelings. As you said, he is finding it difficult to stay on track. Trying to help you as well is making it more difficult for him.

When people are depressed one of the more common outcomes is to push away those people they are close to. They believe they are not good enough, that they are a waste of time, that they will ruin everyone else's life and similar thoughts. It is the depression speaking. Depression really messes with our brains. Why, I have no idea, but this is the case.

This is why I suggest talking to your GP who can give you better information than I can. He/she can also help you with strategies for managing both yourself and your interactions with your BF. I know it's not what you want to hear and I wish I could give you a foolproof method of helping your BF and returning to your previous relationship.

You can sit down with him and ask him to describe how he feels but do not question him about why he feels that way. In all probability he does not know. He just is. Ask him how he feels and how you can best help him. Do not make suggestions, blame him for making you unhappy, demand attention or anything of that nature. Just accept him as he is and be warm and loving without being overpowering. No constant questions such as, Do you want a something to eat, how about we go out, let's watch TV. Just let him make the moves.

Best wishes, Mary

[maddie24]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I have done extensive reading up on depression in all its forms, many of my friends suffer from depression and are on medication as well, so when have quite good knowledge of what we're dealing with. I do know when to say what, and what not to say, but I think I'm just feeling a bit defeated because he doesn't seem to be getting better. The correct medicine will make him feel better, I know this because many of my friends had to go through sometimes 6 different meds changes until they got onto the right ones or the right combinations, so I know that he will be happy and more himself again once he's on the correct treatment, it's just the what to do for now that's got me so sad. I don't want to lose him, but he feels so disconnected. Not just me, with his family as well. He told me I feel like a stranger to him, my heart just broke when he said that. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Maddie

My apologies for trying to tell you something you already know. I got the impression you had not had much to do with depression before. So I will start again.

Medication can be a really trying time. I spent 18 months trying different ADs. Finally I ended up with and AD I could take at a lower than usual dose with another AD to reduce the side effects. Still wasn't wonderful.

Beyond Blue has a booklet on being a carer which may have some tips for you. If you click on Resources above, then Family and Friends, you will find the Guide for Carers. There is also some information on caring for yourself.  BB will send this info to you if you wish.

I do wonder if a visit to your GP would be helpful. I find my GP a source of care, information and a huge amount of experience. Alternatively, try the BB helpline. They are available 24/7 and the number is 1300 22 4636.

I wish I had some words of comfort that would help you at this time.The feeling of being helpless in this situation is horrible. I am sorry that he is going through this awful time and I do understand having been there myself.

What I wanted was someone to take the pain away but this was never going to happen. I had to do the work myself. Alcohol and drugs will not work, but you know that. Is he interested in any form of exercise? Can you get him to a gym, go for walks, climbing. What about sport? Does he play any sport or watch any sport? If he enjoys any of these may be you could go with him to these activities.

I feel pretty helpless in passing on any other ideas. I wanted someone to talk to, constantly. I needed someone to show they cared, but I would still push them away. Why I have no idea. I got tired easily but would be 'happy' if I was with someone even though no one spoke.

Maddie, I am sorry I do not have many suggestions for you. I think others will post here and give you some ideas.

Best wishes, Mary

[maddie24]

Thank you so so much for your reply. It really means so much to me that you took the time to put my mind at ease. Thank you for your words