Being a parent to an adult with depression and anxiety

Mumma_mouse · ‎28-12-2016

Hi All,

I don't want to take up this forum with my stuff when I recognise the benefit of all those using it to help themselves living with the BD. I just need to ask questions occasionally to ensure I am doing the right thing by my daughter. She is 20 and has D and A. She had a full time job but said it really played with her head and she was having meltdowns before and during work time. It didn't seem to be helping her so I agreed she should leave. During her unemployment she would spend hours in her room watching stuff online, the house would not be touched and it was annoying everyone who worked and came home to nothing done all day. My husband and I support her financially as we both work. That is fine but I feel like this added to her depression, the trap being needing to ask for money yet not being able to find work. Recently she has had a Xmas casual job and is going OK but is feeling like she is struggling some days to remember what she should be doing. She goes on and off her meds and over the last year has been inconsistent, therefore it is hard to know what works and doesn't. She likes her GP but also is inconsistent with her psych appointments. I guess I see all this as symptoms of the illness and I am reluctant to push her to be consistent with her meds and appointments for fear that may place more pressure on her. The housework also annoys me and if I bring it up she descends into tears and is upset, saying she can't help it. What is my best approach here. Those with similar issues may be able to help me.

MarkJT · ‎28-12-2016

Mumma Mouse, welcome to the forums and with respect, never ever hesitate to post on the forum for anything you want to ask. We are all here to learn and help others so you are as important to anyone else in here.

After reading your post, I think you have basically answered your own question. Consistency. Consistency is required to recover and to maintain mental health.

As a background, I was hospitalised with PTSD, depression and anxiety in Feb '13 and was back full time work 2.5 years later. The thing that got me back and allowed my recovery, consistency.

Has your daughter tried mindfulness? It is a type of meditation and helped me greatly. I practice daily and it keeps me grounded. It helps me when i am having anxiety attacks and when i am having a depressive episode.

Yes staying in her room and not getting out is not a good thing. Can you set a few basic chores for her to do during the day. Start with something as small as doing the dishes or taking the washing off the line. When you get home and see that the simple chore is done, thank her and reinforce this. This will help rebuild her self esteem as this would have taken a beating over the course of her journey.

Medication. Every morning at 8.00 my phone buzzes with the word "Meds". I take it then. Consistency.

I see my clinician, even if i am feeling fine. My psych sessions last several hours at the start and I would walk out exhausted but in need of more. I now go in and walk about 15 minutes later and 10 minutes of that was general chit chat. Consistency in treatment.

Yes others get annoyed that she hasn't done anything but when you are in a depressive mood, it is excessively difficult to get anything done. I do not know what type of education your family has with depression but there are a carers and partners section on the forums that is full of tips on how to help loved one with depression and anxiety. Might be worth getting everyone to have a read.

With her GP and psych, if she is comfortable with them, great but I am on the firm opinion that you must have a good solid professional relationship with them. I am fortunate of having some great relationships with mine. My psychiatrist will give me a smack if i don't do the things i should be doing to give myself the best chance of remaining mentally healthy. I like this. I don't want cuddles, I want answers and he gives them.

Hope that I have given you some tips but please continue to post more questions when they arise.

Cheers

Mark.

1113 · ‎28-12-2016

Hi MM,

It is so difficult.

I feel your attachment to the issue.

Being a sufferer myself, single parent and currently recovering from a major depressive episode. The only advice I have for you is;

Time - it can take some time for your daughter to recover.

Patience - is the hardest thing.

When the brain goes away its extremely hard to do anything.

Compassion - lead by example

Love - shared freely, she may not want it, but continue to show it. Cuddles. Break through the barrier.

Faith - in you and your daughter

drs - try out many.

Meds - find some balance, its not an exact science. No miracle. Yet. Im still hoping for that.

And hope - most important for you. Believe all is well. Never lose hope. Plus lead by example.

I hope i was of some help.

Peace

Matt.

pipsy · ‎28-12-2016

Hi M.M Your daughter definitely needs professional guidance. I would also suggest that a full-time job could be too much given her severe depression. Just being happy with a Dr isn't really conducive to getting past the hurdle of depression. Being so wish-washy with AD's isn't a great comfort either. She needs structure and guidance. Depression is very dark and help is required to overcome the feeling of oppression. Perhaps it might be advisable to the Dr on your own and ask for help with her illness. If a Dr only gets told what the patient wants to tell him, often he can't help. The more he is told exactly what is happening, the more he can help. Your daughter may be scared to confide in him as she may believe he could put her in hospital. He will only do that if it is warranted, or necessary. Try not to worry too much about the housework, I realize it's frustrating, but her health is important. Once she has some structure and is regularly taking her AD's and you see the improvement, the housework will be done. Education too is important for everyone to live in harmony when dealing with depression or any sort of mental health. The Dr can help there too as can BB. If necessary phone our helpline and inquire about any pamphlets we have re: depression/mental health.

Lynda

Mumma_mouse · ‎30-12-2016

Wow thanks guys, this has been helpful to hear your views. I will share them with her and see how she goes with being more consistent. I think, Mark, her psych is working on CBT with her (when she attends) I will ask her about the mindfulness techniques as she can always ask for some help with this. Housework can wait. Haha, and thanks Mark I will continue to encourage consistency, Lynda I will talk with her about what she has told her doctor. And Matt, I will continue to give my support.

MarkJT · ‎30-12-2016

Mumma, awesome to hear from you. Hope things are working out and that some headway is being made.

Don't hesitate to come back and post more queries. We are all here to help you in any way we can.

Mark.

1113 · ‎30-12-2016

No probs MM,

Support is here for you too.

Peace

Matt

Mez2668 · ‎23-01-2017

I can relate to everything you say. Particularly about some reassurance about whether we are doing the right thing. My son is struggling with depression and taking his medication. He makes appointments and doesn't keep them. Cannot seem to keep on top of organising his life, is constantly losing keys, glasses, phone. His bedroom is the worst mess and other housework seems to be out of thexquestion. He Is always tired and tries to sleep day and night. I try very hard to be understanding and recognise how hard he is struggling but I question whether leaving him and not trying to encourage him to get up is helping him. Would love to know what I should/could be doing to help him.

Mez

geoff · ‎23-01-2017

hi Mez, just a couple of issues which may concern us and do you see him take his medication, I only say this because he cancels his appointments, plus his comfort level with who ever he needs to be seeing could be why he doesn't go to them, but asking him you still might not know.
I would suggest that if you can go with him to the appointments, stay in the waiting room or if he wants you to join him then do so, but I don't think that is what he wants.
It's a worry for him to feel this way as it is for you, so can I ask you if you work and have to leave him all day or are there other members of the family who can look after him during the day, I realise that will be an enormous effort for someone else to do, and perhaps they may have better luck to get him out of bed.
When a person has depression that's all they want to do is sleep and stay in their room, and you can ask him all day to get up, but all of this will not help, remember that's not your fault, that's what depression does.
What I would suggest is for you to click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down until you see 'publications for download', as it's always good for a parent, spouse or partner to learn all about depression, although this may not help you, it's good to know what happens.
At the moment he can only take it by doing small steps, so to ask him to clean his room, to him that's an enormous task and even the thought of doing it will turn him off.
I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x

MarkJT · ‎23-01-2017

Mez, excellent advice above.

Can I add: are you able to get him to go for a walk around the block with you? It even be that all he has to do is walk to the mailbox and then back inside. It is about setting small goals, encourage him and if he does do even the smallest of chores or tasks, make sure you let him him know that you are thankful and that he did really well. You may already be doing this but as Geoff says above, depression does some strange things to a person when they have it.

Does he follow sport? Perhaps get him to a game if he is able to. Getting outside and exercising is so critically important. Not an easy feet to achieve but one that you can try.

What is his diet like? Is he drinking alcohol? These also have large impacts on mental health so the better the food and the less alcohol, the better.

There is also a "Partners and Carers" section on the forums. Perhaps jump into there and see what others have spoken about because I can guarantee you, you are not alone.

Mark.