Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 2

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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My mom is 'grieving' and I don't know what to do

replies: 5

Hello this is my first post here so I'm not sure if it's the right place to ask but i hope it is. A little backstory: my mom married an Australian and we both moved to Australia late 2019, just before the pandemic starts and have been here since. My mom have other kids but they couldn't come with us as they're all over the age limit and i was underage (at that time). We lived in Australia for almost three years now. At first, I thought my whole world was crumbling because i have to leave my old life and start a new one here. But with my mom's support and the encouragement from my teachers, i manage. I thought that was it. I have new friends and have the best moment of my life, and i thought that was the same case for my mom... She cried to me last night. She said that she doesn't want to be here because she felt like she lost everything in her life and have to start all over again. She feels lonely, and the pandemic didn't help too because of the lockdown. She doesn't have any friends or family other than me. Her kids can't visit her because of visa problems and whatsoever. Her husband also didn't really help her, as he expects my mom to be just like how she was back in our old country, cheery and independent. She said she doesn't have any support system and she survives purely because she wants me to have a better future here. I feel so guilty because i feel like I'm the reason why she's suffering. I told her we can go back anytime she wants because she is the most important person to me, but she doesn't want to because she wants me to have a better future here. The truth is, I wouldn't have a bright future back in my country if i go back because i dont have even a highschool certificate to help me get any jobs. Part of me also blames her husband because he didn't help her at all in adjusting in this new place. She sacrificed her life just to be with him, and he can barely do the bare minimum to my mom. He doesn't comfort her when she's sad, he doesn't listen to her concerns at all, It's not fair to my mom. At all. It's up to me now to cheer my mom up, the least i could do in exchange for her sacrifices for me. But i don't know what to do. I always look for my mom when I'm feeling down but when she's feeling down, i dont know what to do. Im confused and scared but i really want to do something for her.

BPD Son

replies: 1

Hi We have an adult son who we have suspected for a few years now that he suffers from BPD. He refuses to acknowledge that he has an issue and has recently been evicted from his home of 5 years and is currently renting. He cannot live with us as he is too verbally abusive. Any words of wisdom to try and get him to accept help. Folks tell me he has to reach rock bottom but I am not so sure.

How to co-parent/talk with with a negative thinker with BPD & clinical depression?

replies: 1

Ex diagnosed with depression many years ago. Fleeting moments of therapy over the years-is on medication. Situation today: 18M son wanting to go to a concert, asked friends if anyone wanted to come. 5 said yes. He offered to get tickets. Dad wants to go to, no worries. Max tix allowed 6. He asks dad to buy his own as he can't in the allocation, GA so doesn't need to be bought together. Dad says can't as at work, son asks me to buy on his behalf-not a problem and lets him know. Dad says no, don't worry, he doesn't feel welcome now. Then tonight he is sending messages: I'm kicking him when he is down and have rubbed of on "son", {I asked what?} We have all hurt him more than any of us understand, the last person he thought would has torn his heart in 2, {I asked how has son torn heart in two?}, I wouldn't believe him, what difference does it make {I replied it obviously makes a difference to him, suggested getting someone else's perspective on it}, I have taught them well, the total humiliation is complete, {I asked what he meant by humiliation is complete}, the 4 of us have completely humiliated and broken him, destroying his self worth and his own being, We have done more damage than we have solved, {I replied with I have no idea why he is thinking this in regards to son. Again suggested getting an unbiased opinion from someone and see what they say}. I try to keep things logical and take emotion out of situations, particularly when it comes to ex. However I am at a complete loss as to how to respond to these types of situations. We are no longer together as his behaviour was out of control and he would not seek professional treatment. I could not have that around myself and our children any longer. 1 child has gone virtually no contact, the youngest is verging on the same. Son is the only one still in semi regular contact and he struggles with various aspects of their relationship. He has been on a knife's edge for some time and I don't know how to approach him. It seems like he takes these types of situations as a personal attack against him, where I see them as a slight inconvenience with a feasible solution. Any suggestions as to how to approach this with him?

I need a new tactic - nothing is working to communicate to my husband

replies: 5

Need Help! My husband has been battling with depression for a few years now, and it seems to be getting worse. We have day on end when he wont leave the bedroom, will watch TV from sunrise to sunset, won't shower and orders unhealthy takeaway food. I have tried so many way to communicate with him and nothing seems to work. It always ends in a huge and heated argument with 99% of the blame pointed in my direction and I am the one who is always accused of "baiting" him or "pushing his buttons". We follow the same pattern, I try to raise a concern, he blows up, I argue back to defend myself and then he either checks himself into a hotel because he cant stand being around me -or he ignores me for days on end. He threatens weekly to leave me, for me yo pack my things, find my next doormat of a husband, etc. He accuses me of trying to change him and I can't make him do anything. I know he says these things to get a reaction out of me, and when I do react, its my fault! My question is: how do you as a supportive partner, not allow this to get to you? How do you not argue back? How do you let this not affect you?

Husband with depression but diverts blame

replies: 5

My husband has all the traits for depression, he is on anti depressants but has said he wants to end our marriage and be alone, he is making me feel so ill, worthless and distraught, he refuses counselling and says he still has a bit of love for me but not enough to move forward. He refuses to answer any Questions, He blames me for everything, he can’t take any form of criticism himself. He is playing on his x box between 3-8 hours a day and drinking over 100 cans of Coke Zero each week. I don’t want our marriage to end, however, if I try to talk and suggest help he shuts me down saying it’s final.. what can I do? Friends and family tell me he’s the bully not me.

Emotional trauma helping my partner through

replies: 2

Hi everyone, Two weeks ago our young dog died suddenly of cancer. We took him to the vet thinking he had a sore leg and next thing he died in surgery to remove a burst tumour. The last two weeks our other young dog who had given blood for his brother stopped eating properly. We thought he was grieving his friend as the events coincided. His lethergy and refusal to eat got bad after two weeks of decline we took him to the vet. He has cancer. Lymphoma stage three yesterday we had to decide chemo or pallative care for him. Hardest decision. i have gone numb and seemed to have shifted into get things done mode. I havent cried yet really. Just butterflies in my tummy. i feel a need to protect my husband who is not coping. He takes antidepressants already, but yesterday he told me he was in the supermarket and just stopped. He felt like he wasn't real and nothing around him was and forgot where he was for a moment. He wont stop crying which i think is good and normal but i was a bit concerned about this other event. He cant make any decisions so i have sort of taken over id like to know what this is other episode was and if there is anything i can do to help him. I think my grief will come when its over in the mean time i need to help him. thanks

BPD?

replies: 16

My 20 yo daughter has suffered with anxiety/depression since high school and I feel that she isn't getting the right kind of help. She told me a year or so ago that she was convinced that she had BPD. She started seeing a psychologist (who she said she didn't like and that she couldn't talk to) through her GP and pushed to see a psychiatrist so that she could get a diagnosis. She got an appointment and was told she had traits of BPD. She was super angry about this and insisted to me that it was full BPD and pushed to join a group to get treatment. I feel that she has convinced herself that she has this condition and knows how to answer questions accordingly. She now uses the condition as an excuse for her behaviour and constantly tells me that I don't understand and that I need to learn more about her condition and cut her some slack. She constantly blames me if we argue and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. She has seen various psychologists and never seems to be happy with them. She has just started seeing a new psychiatrist and I feel like the treatment she is receiving is counter productive. She is becoming increasingly self obsessed and selfish, and constantly tells me that nothing is her fault and she 'has a mental health condition' and that I 'should be more supportive'. I have tried so so hard over the last few years and this has nearly broken me. I feel like my daughter has anger issues and that the direction that she is going in is completely wrong. I wish I could talk to her current psychiatrist ask him to start from scratch and fully assess her from scratch but I know I cant. I'm so frustrated and I just don't know how to help her move forward and stop making excuses for her behaviour. I want to support her in the best way that I can but we just seem to be stuck in this rut where I think she is using her 'BPD' as an excuse for anger and attitude and she thinks that I'm ignorant and need to be educated on BPD and what she is going through. Can anyone relate? I really need to know if I'm dealing with this the right way or not. Thanks x

Partner memory issues and speech forgetfulness what is the cause ?

replies: 1

My partner he is almost 49. Many years ago is when I first noticed strange things. Example like about 6 years ago or so he left the glass sliding door open on our Lizard enclosure. Miraculously none got out and no cats got in there. Another time he did it again and it was left open all night. Thankfully they were fine. That Christmas Eve when we were wrapping presents he asked me how do we spell our sons name... I was like are you joking ? He said no he is just tired and cannot think straight. Since then he often does strange things like he could at times walk out the front door and walk straight back in and says he forgot to put his shoes on, early morning getting ready for work. At times he will leave his coffee left in the coffee machine or a drink on the bench he forgot to take. He has misplaced his mobile phone a few times, even lost a work PDA that costed us around $800 or so (that was about 4 years ago) When talking he forgets peoples names, other day we were talking about wood... and the local place he goes to at times he forgot what it was called and when I said oh I think it is Home Timber Hardware, he clicks his fingers and says "that's the one, thank you" That and so many other things is exactly like my father, who had serious dementia and is now passed away. There is so many damn instances with my partner that seem so very similar to my father, in stages of my father's dementia. MY partner says there is nothing wrong with him, his brain or memory. He did eventually go see a GP He did a small test then and there and he had blood tests lot's of various ones also a Brain scan which costed us few hundreds. All were fine. The Doctor said everything seems fine and that a brain scan does not always show any signs of dementiaRight so here we are and he is not any better and some what a little worse in some ways then before. He often does struggle to think of words when talking whether it is someones name or a place or even the name of his power tools he uses often.... this is far from normal. I believe sometimes he is not even aware of lapsed time, that he could be outside for a good 8 hours on a weekend and not really notice he was. He always is very tired, he looks buggered, something does not seem right, look right. Some days I think I imagine it, then other days I am certain something is very off. Only previous known medical issues is, pollops (not sure on that spelling) in the nose and 2 years ago diagnosed with barrett's esophagusWhat do I do ?

Husband is depressed and had ended our marriage

replies: 15

Hi all my husband of almost 11 years has been suffering with depression and anxiety for the last year. I wasn’t fully aware of how bad it had got and now he has hit rock bottom. Back story - we recently signed up to build our 1st family home. literally from the moment we signed we have had nothing but issues , and increases in the price. I think that this has been the main trigger for my husbands depression , with the pressure he is under to support his family as well as come up with almost $30k extra for this house before it’s complete . I don’t work , I wanted to work but with 3 of our kids being under school age , it would mean having to pay 3 day care fees and with him being fifo and earning too much we don’t get much CCS from Centrelink so he said it was pointless, I now no that I need to be working to help him by taking some of this financial burden from him. I feel terrible that it has got this bad. This all came out last week when he told me he know longer loved me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. I am absolutely devastated. he has also said that he has no love for himself and also our kids which killed him to admit and he hates himself even more for this . I have told him it’s not him, it’s the depression. I have told him that I am going to support him and I am going to get him better . I have told him that I will not give up on him or us. He wants me to help him and he has told me that he wants to love me but he feels dead inside , feels worthless and he just can’t see a way back from his depression. I am struggling everyday with my feelings, terrified that even if he is able to get out of this dark place , there will still be no love for me there and I will have to go through this heart ache again. I tell him every day I love him and he says he likes to know that I haven’t given up on him. He can’t say it back though as he doesn’t want to lie to me He feels he may have BPD , so I have said I will get him an app with his GP. He is on medication, which has just been increased . I just want him to get better and back to how he was last year before this house ruined his head . I have contacted Centrelink and filed as a single parent which is killing me to say, now I need to find a job so I can help with paying this money that is weighing him down , in hope that he may start to feel the pressure on him lift . I know it’s going to be a long journey . Any advise welcome x Rachel x

Hey everyone. Feeling burned out. Beyond burned out. Just venting I guess.

replies: 5

My partner has been struggling pretty much since 2020 – the usual suspects, anxiety at first, then depression, then very bad depression, then substance use issues. He was recently diagnosed with adhd, which makes a lot of sense, and is a good thing because it means he can get medication that could be life-changing. I really hope it is, and I know he really, really hopes it is. I don’t even know how to start to talk about how I’m feeling. I feel stressed. I feel overwhelmed. I feel emotionally tapped out. I feel bad to admit that I am relieved when he leaves the house, and bummed out when he comes home. The unpredictability of his moods has left me feeling like I can’t relax, can hardly think about anything else. It feels a bit like what I read in this book once, that a partner said about their mentally ill spouse – when they’re in the room, there’s no oxygen left for me. I just… feel so totally burned out. I’ve tried to tell them. But it’s not easy to do – or hear. They’ve described themselves as being in survival mode, just trying to make it through the day, and feeling as though they’re in the lowest point of their lives. They see light at the end of the tunnel with the prospect of medication – the gravity of everything being put on medication working is a thought a bit too terrifying for me to consider fully. Today I told them I'm overwhelmed, I feel tapped out. I think they took it as I’m just tired today. What I didn’t tell them, and probably never could, is that I'm barely able to hear them talk about themselves anymore. It’s all day. Every day. Every hour. I feel like a round-the-clock coach or therapist. There are no breaks. There are sometimes break-throughs, and these initially sparked so much relief and hope in me. But I’ve been on the rollercoaster so long now, that I just feel exhausted all of the time. It's this, every day, on rotation, like a stuck record playing happy, sad, angry, hopeful, and hopeless songs at total random: “I hate my life, I don’t want to be alive.” “I’m going to do great things one day.” “I don’t care about anything, I don’t like anything, everything is boring and I just want to be put to sleep.” “I’m feeling pretty good right now.” “Why me?” “I appreciate everything you do for me, and I’m sorry.” His words have gravity, even when they don't – every interaction is filled with so much weight, and I want to cry at the pressure.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 2

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

My mom is 'grieving' and I don't know what to do replies: 5

BPD Son replies: 1

How to co-parent/talk with with a negative thinker with BPD & clinical depression? replies: 1

I need a new tactic - nothing is working to communicate to my husband replies: 5

Husband with depression but diverts blame replies: 5

Emotional trauma helping my partner through replies: 2

BPD? replies: 16

Partner memory issues and speech forgetfulness what is the cause ? replies: 1

Husband is depressed and had ended our marriage replies: 15

Hey everyone. Feeling burned out. Beyond burned out. Just venting I guess. replies: 5