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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Katie_Fern Terrified my husband is falling back into depression
  • replies: 2

I’m really terrified my husband is about to slip back into depression. I don’t know if I can cope with it again. It’s quiet a long story. My husband moved to Australia just over 10 years ago so we could marry. He never quiet settled in; he hasn’t bee... View more

I’m really terrified my husband is about to slip back into depression. I don’t know if I can cope with it again. It’s quiet a long story. My husband moved to Australia just over 10 years ago so we could marry. He never quiet settled in; he hasn’t been able to make any long term friends, didn’t want to commit to a University course while a PR (cost reasons) and has been in and out of dead end jobs the entire time. He’s from an extremely unsupportive family – and my family isn’t super welcoming either – so feels entirely alone except for me. He is also bisexual, and has struggled with the idea that we ‘got married too young’ and he’s supressed this side of himself. We recently tried a polygamous three-way relationship with another man, to help my husband explore this side of himself. I should never have agreed to it, as it’s not something I really wanted to do, but we’d been having some marital disagreements, I was waiting for endometrium surgery and couldn’t have sex, and he was slipping into depression even further. The guy we started seeing was nice enough, but I really wasn’t into it. My husband fell for him though. Hard. I let it go, because I hadn’t seen him this happy in years… but it didn’t last. My husband fell into depression even worse, after a time. Earlier this year, we broke it off, because the man we were seeing decided that he wanted to find a long-term partner, settle down, have kids, the works. This absolutely DEVESTATED my husband. However, the heartbreak actually broke him out of depression for the first time. After a month or so, he finally picked himself up, decided to go back to school and has been improving ever since. Then, yesterday, we were told he would be unenrolled from his University course because there had been a problem with his fees, and they hadn’t been paid on time. For this reason, they ‘legally’ couldn’t allow him to continue. Of course, we can’t actually talk to anyone about this because they’re learning from home at the moment (Melbourne lockdown…) and no-one is answering their phones to give us answers. My husband is absolutely shattered. He can’t believe that he might not be able to continue due to a clerical error, and is blaming himself for not being more proactive about it. He was sobbing in bed last night about being a failure; failing to keep a job, failing his relationship with the other man, failing me, and now failing this. He wanted so badly to do well to show me that he was worth it.

Foxmum How do I help my son?
  • replies: 3

My son is 18 and split with his girlfriend about 2 months ago. He had been with her for 6 months - his first love - a very one sided relationship- he was obsessed she made little effort. He broke it off because of the constant pain it caused him. He’... View more

My son is 18 and split with his girlfriend about 2 months ago. He had been with her for 6 months - his first love - a very one sided relationship- he was obsessed she made little effort. He broke it off because of the constant pain it caused him. He’s been so sad, spending a lot of time sitting by himself in his car at a local car park listening to music. About a month ago the parents of the girlfriend messaged to say he had sent suicidal messages and a suicide letter. The messages said he had attempted to take his own life. We got him home and I spoke to beyond blue and the local suicide triage service. He refused their services. Over the last month on the surface he seemed to be recovering but he’s not. He’s restless, sad, cries, puts up a barrier saying he’s fine. He is alternating between visiting anyone and everyone and long spells driving around on his own. He is not following through on anything we try and involve him in - a car restoration, the gym, This weekend his friend rang me in tears after receiving messages from my son and believing he was suicidal. My son claims the friend misinterpreted the message. He refuses to see or talk to anyone. Says he can do it on his own and he just needs time. I feel there should be some progress in Two months .He does talk to a degree to me but I feel he filters everything and pretends it’s not as bad as it is. My life is falling to pieces. I can not cope with my constant inner turmoil. I’m so scared i can barely function. I don’t know how to help him. any advice on getting him to see someone or any advice on how to help him. I carnt just let him self combust.

GrayDee My friend wanted me to create this thread so I could indirectly ask for advice for her 😊
  • replies: 3

Hi I'm new to all of this since I just made an account so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right lol. But me and my friend are in year 7 and since high school is pretty different from primary school we both started having similar meltdowns/breakdowns a... View more

Hi I'm new to all of this since I just made an account so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right lol. But me and my friend are in year 7 and since high school is pretty different from primary school we both started having similar meltdowns/breakdowns and we would feel emotionally numb and even had thoughts of hurting ourselves at times. I talked to my school counsellor about this and I'm doing a quite better. My friend is also a bit better but she's still having such meltdowns and breakdowns. She absolutely hates the idea of opening up to an adult or anybody else about this and wanted me to indirectly ask for any advice on BeyondBlue. She said she was feeling emotionally numb and sometimes cries for no reason. She feels more emotional over things and sometimes just doesn't care about anything at all. I would be so glad if anyone has any advice for my friend!

Violet12 partner is feeling hopeless, no available bulk-billing psychs, Im feeling powerless
  • replies: 6

Feeling really quite worried and restless about my partner. He has always had depression and anxiety issues, but before covid his antidepressants and things like getting out of the house did a good job of managing it. Last year was awful, we were in ... View more

Feeling really quite worried and restless about my partner. He has always had depression and anxiety issues, but before covid his antidepressants and things like getting out of the house did a good job of managing it. Last year was awful, we were in lockdown most of it as we lived in Melbourne, and he was in bed most days. But at that time it was mostly anxiety, panic attacks, etc. This year his anxiety has become way more manageable, but his depression is at its worst its ever been. It's really really scary to see and sad to see. He isn't showering or brushing his teeth, he eats only once or twice a day and its whatevers easiest, and he spends a lot of days in bed. Occasionally he'll go out and about and do jobs (he does contract work deliveries whenever he wants to) which is fantastic and I wish more days were like that - but it's like maybe 1 out of 7, at most. He has no interest in activities, no motivation to do anything. It's awful to see. I often have to hold back tears when hugging him. Throughout the day I'll go into the bedroom and make conversation, ask if I can help, if he wants to talk, give him cuddles. I'm feeling so powerless, and can only imagine how powerless he must be feeling. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I've posted about this on here before, and I often have people telling me what he should be doing, but unfortunately that doesn't really help me, and only makes me feel more powerless - because I've tried everything, he knows what everyday-things would help (exercise, sunshine, productivity) but he can't get motivated to do it, and I cannot force him to do those things. A few months ago he asked me to find him a psychologist - revolutionary, because before that and also now after that day, he frequently says therapy won't help him - but there are none available. I must have reached out to 20 in our state so far and they are either booked out or not bulk billing so we can't afford them. He has reached out to lifeline once, he told me, a week or so ago when he was having suicidal thoughts. I think it helped, and he told me he won't hurt himself, but that sometimes he thinks there's no hope. I don't know what to do. Today he told me he feels like he should be hospitalised because he doesn't feel like he should be out in the world fending for himself. I asked him if he wants to be, like in an inpatient psychiatric unit, and he didn't answer straight away. He said not really, but also doesnt feel well enough not to be. I don't know.

Nej Daughter with anorexia and now brother suicidal
  • replies: 2

Hi I’m able to support and get help for my daughter but my brother is suicidal. He had a couple of life changing incidents that brought him back to Australia after many years overseas. He comes back to find our family in difficulty. A father with ms ... View more

Hi I’m able to support and get help for my daughter but my brother is suicidal. He had a couple of life changing incidents that brought him back to Australia after many years overseas. He comes back to find our family in difficulty. A father with ms and dementia and a mother not coping. He spent years caring for them as he was getting no support from government. They wouldn’t even give him a Medicare card even though he was born in Australia in case it was for just to have an operation then go back overseas. He had to prove he was living here by offering proof of employment or home. He came back after losing all his money in a business by a thief of a partner. He came back with nothing. He never got deal with his losses as he went straight into helping me care for parents. After many years he is still in the same boat and although dad passed he cares for our mum. He needs help. He needs work but being over 50 it is difficult to get a look in. I have tried to encourage making small steps to gain back independence but I am having no luck over many years. He’s happy helping others. My mum is still withdrawn and very much about herself and my hubby isn’t wanting my brother to live with us. I’m overwhelmed so how do I help him. I managed to talk him down today but what about tomorrow. With no Medicare card he can’t get into a doctors. What resources are there to support him getting the things that need doing done?

Nelie 19yr old son refuses help
  • replies: 10

Hi, I'm am after some advise really. I have a 19yr old son who suffers from depression. He has given up his apprenticeship 6 mths ago. He did see a therapist once and said it was a waste of time and won't go back. The Dr gave him medication which he ... View more

Hi, I'm am after some advise really. I have a 19yr old son who suffers from depression. He has given up his apprenticeship 6 mths ago. He did see a therapist once and said it was a waste of time and won't go back. The Dr gave him medication which he refuses to take. He lives in our Perth home while we live 3hrs away in the country. We do see him every 10 days or so, either staying with him or him staying with us for a few nights. Our oldest daughter also visits him when we are not there. We are in contact daily. How can I help him? Or encourage him to accept the help on offer? I'm very concerned. I have suggested him moving in with us even if its only for a while, but he won't agree to this either. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Ryanthebear how to convince ex girlfriend to get help?
  • replies: 2

Hi, I know this is crazy but I want to get tips on how to convince my ex girlfriend to get help. She is an angel and it pains me to just leave the way she is. Recently got into a fight with my girlfriend and broke up. I didn't know it at the time but... View more

Hi, I know this is crazy but I want to get tips on how to convince my ex girlfriend to get help. She is an angel and it pains me to just leave the way she is. Recently got into a fight with my girlfriend and broke up. I didn't know it at the time but realise that her anxiety about my commitment (and lockdown stress in general) had caused me to blow up on her, I am very regretful. Her anxiety is to the point where she has bandages from hand sinitizers. But the heart breaking part is she would always block out her emotions when she felt hurt, her tone would change to a cavalier tone. During the break up she constantly switched from emotional to stone cold composure. It was hard to watch. There are other problems but these are the ones she has confessed were caused by events in her past. I want to stay but more importantly want her to get help but I don't know how. Before the lockdown things never got this bad because I would just hold her, but I can't now. I know logically she'll have to be the one that wants help but is there anyway for me to help her see that?

Maxandrews Need help to support my wife
  • replies: 4

Hi i am newly married (9 months) and I need help in helping my wife. She suffers anxiety and for the most part of our relationship I have been ignorant to this. I would take her outbursts as anger issues and would (still do) inflame situations by arg... View more

Hi i am newly married (9 months) and I need help in helping my wife. She suffers anxiety and for the most part of our relationship I have been ignorant to this. I would take her outbursts as anger issues and would (still do) inflame situations by arguing back and being just as nasty with my words. We had a big avoidable fight today and this has made me start reading much more into anxiety and understanding that she is a silent sufferer. Her whole immediate and extended family suffer anxiety or depression and she has been a main support for them over the years. It's taken me a while to realise she is also suffering. I want to be able to help. I know she won't see someone at this point in time, but I'd like to build trust with her first and hopefully in time help her to seek professional help. but I need help myself, big time! What are some coping methods I could use when in a situation looking to turn ugly? I have tried walking away, staying silent, arguing back, ignoring. Nothing help, and I know my approach is wrong. Can someone help with some practical advise in how I can get better that this? At this point I fear our marriage is at risk. I find this situation difficult to deal with as I'm helpless thank you

Bubbleb Suicidal Husband - no more hope
  • replies: 6

So my husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, married for 2.5 of that. We have an amazing relationship, we love each other dearly, we don’t have any financial stresses, we don’t have any kids yet, just a beautiful pup. My husband however... View more

So my husband and I have been together for almost 7 years, married for 2.5 of that. We have an amazing relationship, we love each other dearly, we don’t have any financial stresses, we don’t have any kids yet, just a beautiful pup. My husband however, suffers with severe depression and anxiety. To the point where each day he tells me he honestly doesn’t want to live anymore, doesn’t wasn’t to suffer. As much as he loves me and doesn’t want to leave me, he just can’t stick around. All his stresses and anxiety stem from his work. He’s been hospitalised twice now of being suicidal due to two different work events, mainly due to his lack of self confidence in his role. He applied for a different company thinking it’d solve his stresses, but it hasn’t as now he’s in turmoil over whether to stay at his current employer (who is aware and supportive of his mental health issues) or go to new one job with no leave entitlements/support for a job that’s potentially less stressful?! Given all this, I have been encouraging him to seek help, but my problem is I am feeling really let down by everything I turn him to. He’s been to the GP (multiple), psychiatrist, psychologist (multiple), different antidepressants (3 now), hospitalisations and now CBT course. He’s just not getting better. Hes now said he’s tried everything and that unfortunately there’s no help for him and that some people just don’t get better from this illness. I feel like I don’t have any hope left to turn to for us in getting my husband out of this suicidal state. I just feel rendered useless /hopeless as I watched him continue adding to his draft suicide note tonight (he’s not aware I know) How can I encourage him to persevere??

Unsure_Support Knowing how hard to push
  • replies: 2

I've been trying to be supportive of my partner with their depression for nearly a decade now and I'm still unsure how hard to push them and when to simply support. They themselves have told me they need a push because without it they find it too eas... View more

I've been trying to be supportive of my partner with their depression for nearly a decade now and I'm still unsure how hard to push them and when to simply support. They themselves have told me they need a push because without it they find it too easy to fall into a rut. That staying in bed all day is easier than getting up without some kind of push/motivation. I've tried to find that right balance of pushing VS being understanding. Over the last 2-3 years the amount of pushing I've been doing is starting to be ineffective. I don't want to push more as a past suicide attempt was prompted by feelings of failure and inadequacy, but I'm afraid letting them keep slipping will also have the same result. We use to have a 5 item task list they had to do each day so they can feel accomplished, but it's dwindled down to nearly nothing. They've expressed that they know these are things they use to be able to do, but just can't. With Covid I'm not sure if I should be giving them the tough love they've asked me to do in the past or if that might be pushing it too far. Even when the only item on the list is to brush their hair. They use to have a psychologist, but they were actually quite rude and not a good fit the few times I met with them for joint sessions. I actually wasn't too upset when the praticed shut because I thought it meant they'd get new help and hopefully a better perspective. That is until Covid. Now everywhere that we can afford to go to has been booked. They've been on multiple waiting lists for over a year and calling Beyond Blue just makes it worse for them because they tend to mostly get trapped in circles. I know there likely is no real solution. No way to really be able to tell when I should push and how hard. I just wish I knew what to do to help, but shouting into the void for a bit helps me so thanks for making it this far and listening to me. If people do have advice I will be most appreciative.