At the end of my rope - please advise

[Tomba]

I'm hoping a wonderful somebody on this forum can advise/assist. My partner is depressed. I believe he's been generally depressed for most of our 17 years together. His mum believes it dates back to his adolescence (he's mid-40s). He's also an alcoholic (although not drinking at the moment) with a tendency towards narcissism, and has serious attachment/abandonment issues (he's adopted, with deep-seated anger and shame about it). Nothing is, or ever has been, his fault; and he's been allowed to get away with murder by his absolutely adoring family.

So, you can imagine how well things went when, late last year, he was retrenched. Given the dying industry in which he works, it was completely foreseeable to everyone except him. He fell into a heap - drank like a verbally abusive fish for a couple of weeks until I was ready to leave, and had to be supervised because he was completely unstable and has never had to practice resilience or problem-solve for himself (I've always been the primary earner and organiser).

He has refused to actively participate in any problem solving for three months. He has stopped drinking, but has replaced it with eating, and his weight has ballooned which makes him unhappier. He spends most of his time watching TV or lying in bed while I work 60+ hour weeks plus study (post-grad in clinical psych - oh, the irony). He has two friends, both of whom he's pretty much sidelined. He won't contemplate that he is experiencing a major depressive episode, and won't see his GP or a counsellor. He's angry with me because I baulked at forking out $20k on weight-loss surgery (on a whim - he just booked himself in one day. We absolutely cannot afford it.)

In short, he's doing absolutely nothing to help himself, and I'm exhausted - I also do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping and organising, because otherwise we'd live in squalor and starve. He constantly phones or texts me at work saying he needs to speak urgently (panic stations), so I excuse myself from meetings, etc, to call him, only to be told that he "can't talk about it any more". He knows I'm frantic about him suiciding, and I think it's just manipulative. The final straw is being repeatedly told that I'm not supportive enough.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I am seriously at the point of walking away - I can't (and won't) live like this with a man who won't help himself. At what point does it stop being depression, and start being a childish, self-pitying wallow?

[Starwolf]

Good to meet you, Tomba.

My heart goes out to you. There is indeed far too much on your plate and it is taking its toll. I have been full time carer to a difficult, disabled child and know well that -when inner resources have been depleted burn-out can easily set in.

It sounds like you are confronted with a complex issue. Your husband seem to be struggling with a combination of mental condition, alcoholism and narcissism. Have you researched narcissistic relationships ? The problem with narcissistic personalities is that nothing is ever their fault so of course, seeking help is somewhere they refuse to go. They find it almost impossible to budge from that standpoint. There's no way you can force/cajole someone into acknowledging their issues if they don't have it in themselves to do so.

The only thing you can do is make sure you are not dragged down into a bottomless pit of exhaustion, helplessness and despair. Perhaps it is time to let this man's adoring family take charge. When you are at the end of your tether, cutting yourself loose can become a self-preserving necessity. I am sure you already have done a lot of soul searching. Putting it all in writing often helps clarify our thoughts to ourselves. There is something therapeutic about the written word. Seeing what comes out on paper is often a surprise...and a revelation.

You have done an incredible selfless job so far. Please keep in mind that your own needs cannot be ignored for ever. They must be attended to. Figuring exactly what they are would be a wise, courageous start.

I hope you will continue to post, if only to let steam off. You will be heard...and understood.

Kindest thoughts.

[Tomba]

Starwolf, thank you so much for listening, and for your thoughtful, measured response.

I don't feel remotely selfless. I just feel tired, and angry, and guilty at being angry. But I've a horrible feeling that I'm enabling his depression. As long as there's no burning pressure for him to take some solo steps, why would he change the habits of a lifetime?

I'm genuinely empathetic regarding mental illness, and struggled through recurrent, severe PND after my son was born a million years ago. But I HAD to push through - acknowledge the problem, seek treatment, accept (and appreciate) the support of others - because I had a little person relying on me.

While I know everyone's experience is different, I am coming to believe that my partner is not trying in the slightest (and, worst, he thinks that this is OK). He's never had to actively manage a major setback in his entire life, and he lacks the skills and the motivation to do it now. Why would he, when he's always expected someone else to 'fix' things? Especially when nothing has ever - and I do mean EVER - been his fault?

(Sidenote: this absence of personal responsibility extends to speeding tickets when he's been the only one in a vehicle, backing into posts or other cars, failure to lodge tax returns, leaving school prematurely because he had a tantrum, overdrawing his own bank account, and grabbing onto ill-conceived ideas without doing a scrap of homework. It's always someone else's fault. Every. Damned. Time.)

He's not a bad guy. He truly believes he's pulling his weight, not being unreasonable, etc. There's just a massive gap between what I think he can do to help his own situation, and what he thinks is in his realm of control. When blamelessness, learned helplessness and masking problems has been your default position for four decades, it's a tough pattern to break.

However, I can see a future where this becomes more of his family's problem to support. In desperation, I sat his parents down last year and spelled out in brutal detail the extent of his alcohol problems. They very tentatively informed him that too much alcohol could be bad for you, then ticked it off as 'job done'. They've been equally hopeless in the current crisis: their idea of support is to tirelessly agree that he's been dealt a crap hand, and to offer to buy him things. They're beautiful people who don't deal well with life's less pleasant aspects.

I don't think I can fix this, and it makes me so sad.

[Starwolf]

Thank you for sharing more insight into this sad situation.

What you describe sounds somewhat familiar as I once quit a couple of relationships involving narcissistic, mentally/emotionally unstable partners.

Yes, it is sad that there's nothing you can do to fix someone who's obviously not ready and is ill-equipped for it. But there is a lot you can do for yourself. You deserve much better than this. I know how difficult it is to leave someone to their fate. But it is no abandonment. Your husband is an adult who obviously was never given a chance to mature emotionally. Sometimes, the wrong support is worse than no support at all. Is there any virtue in continuing to provide the crutches that created much of his predicament in the first place ? Are you ready to settle for more of the same ? How do you see your future ?

Those are questions that only you can answer. Then you will know what to do.

[james1]

Hey Tomba,

The first time I read your post yesterday I was tempted to reply but...I held off. I did that mostly because it made me anxious somehow.

To give you a bit of background, I have pretty strong tendencies towards borderline personality disorder (i.e. I don't believe in diagnosis, but I've been in therapy for BPD) which you likely would've seen in reading about narcissism. Both belong in the same mental illness grouping with many similarities. Hence my nervousness in replying as I wasn't really sure where you sat on that.

But in reading your second post, I feel like you are approaching this the best way you can: by looking at him as being separate from his narcissistic traits, but understanding that they do control him much of the time.

I think Starwolf's comments are spot on. There is nothing you can do for him if he's not ready, and the focus should be on you. My ex left me because she ultimately got tired of my odd behaviour which I later found out were my BPD symptoms coming up. Naturally I'm still quite upset about that, but I also acknowledge that had she stayed, not only would I have not changed my behaviour, it would've reinforced the fact that I needed to use blame etc. to achieve my emotional needs. I simply was not ready to change and it took a relationship breakdown to make me notice.

Things could be different in your case, but it doesn't sound like he's shown much committed desire to change. His childhood was not his fault. His predispositions are not his fault. But his actions are entirely, 100%, his own responsibility.

And I think it's unfair on you to be expected to mother him.

James

[Starwolf]

Thank you James for courageously bringing insight from the other side of the story.

Having grown under the thumb of a narcissistic mother, I of course later repeated the only pattern I knew. I wish to let you know how refreshing it is to come across someone who acknowledges and takes responsibility for his part in those toxic relationships. Please bear in mind that they couldn't happen without someone else's issues at the other end. It's the inevitable other side of the coin.

[Like_a_diamond]

Hi Tomba,

Just a thought - given the challenges he has experienced - that he may have PTSD with Depression/Anxiety as a bi product?

I can understand the reluctance to continue to see a therapist if after all this time life is still a struggle. I also believe with PTSD any events similar may trigger a downfall (seems to be in relation to 'rejection' - adoption / retrenchment).

I only suggest as I happen to find out quite allot of traumatic events can trigger PTSD For example PND occurring after childhood sexual abuse). What Ive come to learn is after a traumatic event the mind fragments, and as an adult some child like behaviour or thinking appears in some stressful situations. Management is about recognising when this happens and applying a logical mind set (example - retrenchment; I must be a xyz, no body wants me etc etc). Therapy works at analysing and applying logic.

Sending you lots of love, support and above all energy during this time. I would not be where I am today without the love and support from my husband - and I am certain he would feel the same way for all you have done. It is difficult to acknowledge it however when your in a bad space.

❤

[Tomba]

Like a Diamond - you raise a really interesting point re PTSD, and not one that I'd previously considered in this context.

He is/was seeing a therapist, but anything adoption-related was off the table. However, it's my observation that he's persistently hypersensitive for any perceived slight/rejection (can be as minor as failure to wholeheartedly agree with him on something). Obviously, retrenchment is a huge 'middle finger' and could certainly build upon a childhood-to-adult pattern of feeling rejected.

We'll continue to plod along and try to get through this. He's finally agreed to take anti-depressants and while it's too early to gauge effectiveness at this time, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I'll also encourage him to go back to his psych to look at the repeated traumatisation/rejection idea you've suggested.

Thank you so much for your advice, and also for your compassion. So much appreciated x

[Tomba]

Bless you, Starwolf. I've tried to shift my thinking away from guilt/abandonment to what's reasonable/realistic with a healthy whack of self-preservation.

It's no one's job to make another person happy - to a significant extent, that's a personal responsibility. The 'other' person's job (as I see it) is to not actively seek to make another person miserable. I can't make him happy or fix him, and it's not my job.

He's agreed to take antidepressants and he's aware of how close to the edge I am; and he's trying at the moment. But you're right - it's my responsibility to work out what sort of future I'm prepared to settle for. That's neither his responsibility, nor his fault - I need to take responsiblity for that, in whatever shape it takes.

You're a wise, wise person, Starwolf. Thank you.

[Tomba]

Wow, James - your response was incredibly frank and brave. I can't imagine what a hard, long road you've walked to gain that level of insight, and it's clearly hard-won. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

You also absolutely hit the nail on the head with your last line: I do feel that I'm being forced to mother him and I really resent it. Hadn't looked at it through that lens until you put it so eloquently. I've already mothered one kid through to functional, law-abiding, well-adjusted adulthood - I'm not remotely interested in raising a grown-ass man!

Currently, he is trying. He's given himself a metaphorical uppercut, is pulling his weight a bit more around the place, is undertaking training and is taking antidepressants. So he's trying to take responsibility, and I appreciate that - however, experience tells me it will be sporadic and unsustained. I truly hope I'm wrong, as I don't think I have enough fuel in the tank for another lap.

Again, thank you so very much for taking the time to respond - you've really helped.