Anxious and depressed boyfriend, please help

[Peach07]

Hi everyone, first time poster here.

My boyfriend of 18months suffers from depression and severe social anxiety. This was diagnosed about a year ago. He has been up and down since, gone through 2 jobs. At the start of this year we decided to move to a new town with my family for a fresh start. He started at a new job and 2 weeks ago was sick for a day.... he hasnt gone back.

Last week he had 5 heavy panic attacks lasting over an hour each time, numb body the lot. Since this the worry and panic is always there. He tells me he wants to get up and go to work but he cant because he wont fight his fears.

Basically I am seeking some reassurance, good stories, tips to help him. At this point I feel like I am somewhat babying him to much, but im scared if i give the tough love approach it could end badly.

Thanks everyone

[james1]

Hey Peach,

Welcome to the forums. From what you've said, it sounds like you're getting quite exhausted from the neverending caring role you're playing.

I noticed you haven't talked about any doctors who are involved in your boyfriend's recovery aside from an initial diagnosis.

Do you mind if I ask if he is currently seeing any doctors and/or taking medication?

It's important to remember that your role is to support him and not to "fix" him, and it sounds like you've been doing a great job of being there for him.

It could also be good to ask him, when he's in his better times, what he wants from you in the down times. This is even something you guys could talk to his doctor about - what is the best way for you to help.

It's very challenging for people with mental illness, but it can be just as hard for the carers. BeyondBlue has some information pages in the links below under "Supporting someone" which are helpful to read. And don't forget as well to make sure you take some time off for yourself - he has other people in his life too, and you need time to recharge your own batteries every now and then.

James

[Peach07]

Hi James!

Thanks for your reply.

When he was first diagnosed he saw a therapist for a few sessions however he believes she wasnt very helpful, just showed him breathing techniques but didnt want to involve herself with his story as he says, during this time he started on an anti-depressant however only did the month as he believed it was not helping.

He really struggles to understand what he percieves life to be, meaning when he works a job he just thinks 'oh well this is my life now'. Its a really negative view.

Recently what sparked this new 'period' was at his workplace somebody quit and his boss asked him to step up work extra days etc, which made him feel alot of pressure which isnot good for his anxiety.

He then took 2 days off due to being sick, and since has basically tapped out of life. We saw a doctor 2 weeks ago and he prescribed more anti-depressants which he took for 8 days but just decided to stop as he said he was feeling more anxious, this was when panic attacks were frequent and heavy. He says he really wants to get back to work again and feel 'normal' (what is normal haha, not even i know) but because he is thinking about work it makes him anxious and worried, i will add that he smokes pot and drinks maybe 3-5 beers a night.

Part of me feels responsible for his lack of motivation as I help him alot but i know i shouldn't feel this way.

We have a therapy session booked for July 18.

Im doing alot and only until this last week have I really admitted to myself that it is affecting me. It also doesnt help that we life with my parents and and theyre always asking why he isnt working etc.

Im keen for the therapy session to sit down and get some advice but i need something now to just give me some inspiration.

Im a really positive person and confidently have handled this well but im struggling now to be positive, so i feel like im losing a part of myself...

Its currently 12:30pm and he refuses to wake up and get up.

Sorry for the lengthly reply, i dont really have anyone to talk to.

[james1]

Hey Peach,

It's great that you have a therapy session booked for July 18. Is the plan for you to sit in on the first session as well? Sometimes it can be easier for the therapist to have a few individual sessions with him to establish what is going on, but it could also be helpful for you to be in there too. It all comes down to how he and the therapist would like to work this through.

About therapy and medication - it's important for him to know that if he feels like something isn't working or suited, the best thing to do is talk to the doctor and consult with them first. Doctors often have multiple different approaches and by talking about it first, we can see if it really is the therapy that's not suited, or if he's not understanding why something needs to be done.

For example, most anti-depressants will have side effects that last a couple of weeks that increase the symptoms. This goes away after a while, but usually is managed with a GP to help them stay on the medication until it kicks in properly.

I think you're doing a wonderful job here by supporting him and trying to get him the professional help he needs. Perhaps it's good to just have a quiet chat to your parents to just say there's stuff going on and you guys will manage it, but could they please back off a little.

To give you a tid of my story, I'm suffering from Borderline Personality DIsorder which brings about panic attacks and depressive moods a lot. I've tried a few different therapies as well as different medications and I've ended up on the no-medication route but with twice weekly appointments with my psychologist. It's darn expensive, but it means I have someone I can rely on for most of my mental health stuff without exhausting my girlfriend. It works for us and I'm slowly getting better at different things and learning the right skills.

If you take a look on the other threads here, you'll hear lots of different stories where people manage differently. Some just live on their own now, while others have found ways to move past it completely with just medication and irregular doctor visits.

I guess I'm just saying we all have different paths, but we are able to find "normality" in the end.

James

[geoff]

hello Peach, and thanks James, for replying some important information, but remember you can't make him any better, all you do is help him towards that goal, and there will be times when all you want to do is give up, but I wonder whether you think he's in denial, he throws away the AD'S and refuses to go back to his therapist.
It's virtually impossible to make himself any better, and I say this because he won't accept that any outside or professional help will make him better.
Living with your parents can and could be good, but not when they don't recognise his sickness, and continually ask why isn't he going to work, then an air of friction begins, where you are trying to protect him, but know within yourself that's exactly how you feel.
He doesn't want to be critised if he does something wrong at work, so maybe that's why he feels anxious.
You should not feel responsible, because it's up to him to get the help he needs, you can try and prompt him, encourage him, suggest or even drag him to these counselling sessions, but it's a decision he needs to make by himself, simply because if he really doesn't want to go then he won't open up and discuss any of his problems.

I haven't addressed his drinking and pot smoking yet, but that will come along.
Now the situation has come to the point where you need to get the help for yourself, that's your first priority before anything else, otherwise, you will also be dragged down with him, and slowly this is happening.
The inspiration you need is to look forward in repairing yourself, that's the most urgent decision you have to make. Geoff.

[Peach07]

Thank you Geoff for you response,

I think because previous he has over come the periods of high anxiety/depression that it will just go away as it did then, I had to put negativity into the world but I am unsure whether or not it will just 'go away' this time.

He has stated his is scared to go back to work as he is unsure of what people will think of him. I have had a chat to him about how people can think what they wish to but it doesnt mean that the thoughts are true etc.

Last night he was really keen to get to work today and this morning he woke up to the alarm and had another panic attack, we calmed him down but now he just wants to sleep. I know he really wants to get back to work but im scared if I push him to much it could break him ?

Thank you for your advice regarding my health, yesterday I made sure I went for an hour long walk and listened to a positive podcast and also went and did the groceries by myself which is something I enjoy doing.

Peach

[Peach07]

update:

Last night we had a great chat about how he was going to give work a go today as he hasnt been for 3 weeks.As soon as his alarm went off he started panicing and had a mid range attack, we have figured out ways to calm him slowly so we did that and he is now sleeping. My question is how can we get him to work, he really wants to go and when he doesnt he feels like sh*t which then makes him feel more depressed.Has anybody got stories of how they overcame this ?We have gone through similar times in the past but this time its been 3 weeks and im unsure whether he will loose his job, if he does I know it will just make him feel worse.Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Peach07, while you're waiting for responses here, we would recommend having a look through this long-running thread below - there are some similarities with your situation, and our members provided quite a bit of advice there over a period of time to a person supporting an anxious partner:

Dealing with my partner's anxiety. Just want to talk

[james1]

Hey Peach,

Maybe rather than looking at the work issue as you need to push him into it, it's a matter of helping him find his reasons for going back.

Encourage his desire to work, but stopping short of telling him to work, and putting the onus back on him to actually say that he wants to work might make it easier for both of you.

Like, why does he want to work and why does he feel like crap if he doesn't? Does he feel ready?

If he shuts down and refuses to go, even after saying he wants to go, then it sounds like he's internally rejecting the idea. And he'll keep doing that until he convinces that part of him that working is a good idea.

I don't have any experience of supporting someone else like that, but I suppose I treat myself as my own carer and that's how I decided to get back into it properly. I needed to convince myself that I knew why I was there, and once I had that goal, I had something to aim for.

James

[Alexandria16]

Hi peach,

it sounds like you're in such a hard situation 😞 I reckon priority 1 is getting him to regularly be talking to doctors / psychologists.

im not sure if this is helpful but my husband sometimes misses work because of depression and anxiety and there's a couple of tips I've picked up. For him, verbalising early on that he can do things to help himself (gently) is good. Going "it's ok if you go in at lunch time, nobody is going to judge you" or "why don't you have a shower and see how you feel" is a good start. My husband feels very ashamed and I wouldn't be surprised if that was common.

it also sounds like removing some of the triggers could be a good idea for you - coffee and alarms (morning routine) make my husband very anxious when he is down, so I now wake him up, leave him for a bit and make him a cup of tea instead.

you sound like you are doing such a good job 🙂