Angry and Confused- Depressed husband drinking and stealing money and not getting help

[Ayo]

My husband became depressed 18 months ago. He had taken a voluntary redundancy from work. We did some building renovations, spent the money and when he tried to get back to work, he was unsuccessful in a few interviews and the depression set in. His confidence is so low now and the anxiety is so bad he believes he will never work again,  Luckily I had just graduated as a teacher and was successful in securing employment. This means I have been able to pay mortgage and bills. We also have a young daughter. My husband had always been the bread winner, a great dad and looked after us well. Now he just stays at home, drinks at any available opportunity, morning, noon or night - does not follow up with counseling, seeing doctor, exercise. I cannot leave money or wallet around because he takes it and spends money on alcohol and cigarettes (he never really smoked in past). He is always finding my hiding spots and it really annoys me that he spends money that is for bills on booze. He does get his own money which all goes on alcohol and booze. He is on medication which may have helped a little as he is not suicidal. He had been admitted to mental health dept 3 times. He did try suicide but unable to go through with it.

I try my best to understand the depression as an illness and I know he is not choosing it. It gets so frustrating though because he is not doing anything to help it. I am so busy with work and trying to keep it all together and often feel guilty that I should be doing more to help him. He did try a rehab and lasted a week.

A couple of times I have kicked him out thinking this might push him to get help. He does have a place to stay close to his family, 8 hours away. However, I keep taking him back because I get so worried about him especially when I can't get in contact with him. His mum is very angry at him, his sister doesn't really talk to him (she has her own family and life) but his brother has been great support and would check in on him daily.

He has been back with me for this last term, he does help out with our daughter, getting her to school and does some cooking. 

However, much of his time, he isolates in house, watches tv , drinks , smokes etc.

I gave him an ultimatum a few week ago, saying that if he doesn't get help or start to change by Christmas that that is the end of our relationship. I don't want this -I love him and know he is a great person, but I can't keep going like this. 

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[geoff]

dear Ayo, hello and great to hear from you in this rather difficult situation that you are in, and unfortunately I can relate to the position you are in, which was exactly how I was when I was depressed.

I have no honour being the same as your husband, but I have to be honest, but now and in hindsight this behaviour is furtherest from my mind, but depression was our worst enemy.

Whether this can be blamed as an excuse, well this depends on the person being abused, and at first maybe, but as time goes on NO, because they don't want to change or seek any help.

Please don't get me wrong here as I totally understand your despair and frustration, whereas many years ago I would have no comprehension, and it is a sad state of affairs.

Can I suggest that you have no cash left around the house and just use your visa  or whatever card you do use and change your pin number, or alternatively have direct debit, use eftos when shopping, which you can do at a different time each week.

If your daughter is old enough to have a card, this can then be big downfall, as he will beg her to give him money, so this will have to be stopped which ever way you can.

This doesn't solve all of these issues, and for him to go to rehab will not achieve anything unless he wants to stop drinking, and in some of these rehabs they have a mixture of people with depression as well as drug addicts and alcoholics, where it is possible for him to get someone in the mental category to sign out for half an hour and get some alcohol, although he will be kicked out after a warning.

If you click on 'Resources' at the top of this page and order A;; the Printed Material from BB, it's all free but will explain so much to you, and hopefully your husband will want to read it.

There is a big chance for him to stop drinking, but sometimes it's big with a capital B that he will want to stop, but as we know he hasn't accepted that he still needs to get help.

Loving someone who is an alcoholic is a different type of love, but it does wear very thin and it's certainly not strong enough to stay together, because you just get sick and tired of seeing him like this.

I almost out of characters, but if he does stop, then there is a precaution down the track and that's if any time something goes wrong he doesn't use alcohol as his 'safe-goat'. L Geoff. x

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ayo, thanks for posting.

It sounds like it has been a physically and emotionally draining time for you in regards to helping support your husband. We understand that life can be hard at times, but it is important to remember to focus on the things that have helped you manage in the past. It sounds like you have really been trying to help him move forward but at the end of the day he needs to be willing to meet you half way towards getting the right help and support. Supporting someone with anxiety or depression can be difficult and it is important to also take care of yourself. The beyondblue website also has a helpful section for family and friends.

It is great that you are reaching out for help and support and always know that there’s always somewhere to turn to. From your post we are not sure if your husband is seeing a counsellor or therapist, but if he isn’t, a GP can refer you to see one. Counselling support can be helpful in working out positive ways around thinking patterns and implementing skills and techniques that may be helpful for you. As we move through our different life stages, we encounter barriers in different areas of our life and need to make adjustments and find ways to move forward as best we can.

Talking with a psychologist can be a helpful part of this and this can be made available to him via the Mental Health Care Plan through the doctor so that he can receive 6-10 sessions per calendar year where the bulk of the bill is picked up by Medicare. If he doesn’t have a GP you can find one from our website. This lets you search for doctors and mental health professionals in your area. If there isn't a doctor listed close to you it can be helpful to ask friends or family for a recommendation.

If you he is having thoughts of harming himself or if you feel he may act on those thoughts, we recommend that you contact the local Mental Health Line, or our support service on 1300 22 4636. We can help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with counselling support, information and referrals. We also have a webchat service available from 3pm to 12 am daily, which you can access from here.

We are here to support you and hope you have found some helpful responses and support here online. It is important you look after yourself during this time and we encourage you to continue to reach out for support. Stay strong.

[Ayo]

Thanks for your responses Geoff and Sophie. Much appreciated.

[Pixie15]

Hi Ayo,

Thanks for sharing your story. I was in the same position as you a few years back. I gave my partner the ultimatum get some help or I am out of here because I cannot do this anymore. He did go to the doctors and get some medication which helped to different degrees. If your partner is on anti depressants and drinking as well I think the drinking will undermine any good that the medication might do. 

There have been times I have regretted giving the ultimatum. It would have been better if I had been able to find a way to help him without feeling I had to do that. It was just that I ran out of coping ability myself. It might help to try to give him some specific ways to seek help and to say that if he does this you will be there to support him. 

There are a couple of other organisations like Sane and AA which you might like to check out as well as taking advantage of the great information on the site here.

cheers,

Pixie.