Advice - Support for my Mum

[bluebell2]

Hi everyone, Thank you in advance for listening. My mum suffers depression and has for 15 years. She has been really good however we noticed over the past year or so she has slowly becoming more negative and victimising herself. I feel it is a direct result of her partner who suffers deep depression and anxiety, he struggles to keep a job and is paranoid and victimises himself at work thinking everyone is out to get him. I have encouraged my mum that she needs to focus on herself and have some time to herself, which she sees value in. However since she has told her partner she needs a break he has got worse and is apparently on "suicide watch" at his work. Of course I feel bad for him but my priority at the moment is to make sure my mum is healthy and well. Do you have any advice for me? Should I support my mum in supporting him or should she keep reminding him he needs to keep working on himself and she needs to work out her life?

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[white knight]

Hi Bluebell,  welcome here

This is a tricky one. You see from your perspective your mum being dragged down you think due to her partners depressive mood to the point whereby she needs a break from the relationship. Yet, you are not fully in the relationship.

My suggestion is for your mother to go to her GP and get him/her to treat her and monitor her with regular visits. Also, one of my suggestions I use a lot is for her to seek counselling in order to increase her ability to cope with him and to find her own direction. If he asks her where she is going "I'm going to counselling" and not push him to go along. But if he wants he can. After a few sessions he might ask how did it go? No, she shouldn't divulge any information. If he is eager to learn then he can go along himself.

There is a fine line in your situation. You can be labelled as interfering. And you might feel your mother isn't acting for her own best interests. This is her relationship and to a great extend supporting her is different than advising her. Your care for her can turn advising to controlling. So I also suggest once you've advised her of an answer don't repeat it.

Myself, I'd advise her in a way to promote her relationship and seek avenues to make her relationship more secure. But there are professionals more equipped than us to do that and that's where my efforts would lie- advising for them both...as if their future will remain together.

That's based on what you've told us. There are a lot of variables outside one paragraph of information.

Tony WK

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi bluebell2,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

I'm sorry that you're going through a pretty tough time at the moment and I agree that it's a pretty tricky situation. I think it's a pretty fine line sometimes between supporting your mum in supporting him and working out your own lives. 

I agree with white knight and think it would be helpful if your mum could see a counsellor not only for herself but also so she can support him without feeling victimised.  

I think it would be worth looking at both your mum and her partner's support team too.  Do they have other people that they can chat too?  Other hobbies/interests that they enjoy?  Having your mum able to 'distance' herself sometimes would be helpful so then she can learn to cope by realising her partner is only one part of her life - so being able to watch movies or just do the things she likes doing.  The same goes with her partner; your mum is only one part of his life so being able to hang out with his mates or spend time doing the stuff he enjoys can help create more balance.

Good luck and hope everything works out well for both your mum and her partner. 🙂