Will this ever end?

[ktac1689]

I have been battling depression and suicidal ideation for over two years now. I have been in therapy which has helped and tried medication which didn’t help much at all.

I spent the first of those two years in absolute misery and wanting to end my life constantly, and I attempted on several occasions. I had a breakdown, essentially lost my job and spent several months in a fog; sleeping, eating and YouTubing and felt so hopeless.

The last Year has seen progress but still up and down. I have seen some hope for the future but periods also where I thought that suicide was what I should do. I feel I have made progress in identifying and addressing the underlying causes of the pain I still feel.

I feel like such a fraud. I go about my life and I look like all is ok, good even. I smile, laugh, joke. But I don’t want to be here. I keep thinking of ways to not be here even planning sometimes. It is so hard. I make plans for living too so that I will be forced to stay but it is not quite enough. I hate living this way. It is so isolating and makes me feel like I am so alone. It makes me careful what I say as I don’t want to be known as having a mental illness. The stigma on having a mental illness in our society facilitates that.

[Sophie_M]

Dear ktac1689,

Thank you for finding the strength to post about your struggle, and the start of some success, in our forum.

It is good that you are under the care of a mental health team. We understand that body and brain chemistry is quite different between people, so different medications often have affect people differently. This is the case whether we are looking at mental health medication, or physical health medication, so it is well understood that people experience meds in different ways.

We would like to encourage you to try and remember that healing takes time. And, even more importantly, healing takes different lengths of time depending on each person's individual physical, mental, and emotional make-up. So, please try to be patient and understanding with yourself.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[Chris_Tas]

Well in my opinion there is no "stigma" against mental health, and anyone who says "toughen up" etc is a complete naive moron.

You sound a lot like me and if you are willing to share your thoughts here, there is absolutely no reason why you can't to those close to you and importantly, professionals.

Remember its courageous to seek help, think of your brain being a tad fractured rather than your leg - no stigma attaches to someone with a leg issue, and neither does it with a mental issues.

In fact physical pain has never, ever hurt or scared me as much as mental suffering.

Please seek the help you need and listen to only those who understand and just filter out the nonsense or negativity.

Chris

[ktac1689]

Hi Chris_Tas, sadly there is a strong stigma. My previous workplace couldn’t get me out of there fast enough after my breakdown. And say to anyone you are suicidal and see them squirm. The mere mention of mental health issues usually brings about an uncomfortable silence. Not to mention most people think you should be over it all and healed within a very short time. They don’t realise it is a fight for the long term.

I feel uncomfortable opening up to anyone I know in person. Here I don’t know anyone so it is easier to open up and share. Easier said than done to listen only to those who understand and I think your view is somewhat shortsighted. Thank you though for your input and advice.

[ktac1689]

Today I don’t feel it is ever going to end. Ever. I am just pushing endlessly against the tide and it is getting too hard. Yesterday I woke up and I just couldn’t function. At all. Life is so hard and so much just keeps on happening.

[Sophie_M]

Dear ktac1689,
 
We are sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time recently, but we’re so pleased you have reached out to the supportive community. Sometimes life can feel like we are taking on too much, or that we are not getting any reprieve from the never-ending demands of daily life. It is in moments like these, we like to offer a friendly ear to listen to these troubles and discuss any options or assistance that may be appropriate.
 
So, if you need us, we are always here for you. If you feel you need to talk or honestly just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear ktac1689,

I am really sorry that yesterday was a hard day for you...

I am pleased to read that you do make plans for living...That’s your hope working to keep you safe...I know it is hard though...but wanted to say how proud I am of you for making those plans....

I worked for a few months in a nursing home...and had a breakdown..,then told I think it’s best you leave...which of course I did...that was my last job and I’ve not done paid work since...I do volunteer work now 2 days a week..I did have a breakdown their and the boss their was very understanding and supportive....I think it really depends on how compassionate and understanding the bosses are...

Things do change, that includes our situations...Please Dear ktac1689....be kind to yourself and find time to relax as well as to listen to some music or do something that you like to do....

Keep Talking here anytime you feel to...I agree here is anonymous and full of caring people in our community...

We are here for you...the best we can be to help support you through this hard time your going through...

Sending you my kindest thoughts with my care dear ktac..

Grandy...

[ktac1689]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it. I am sorry you have been through so much too. I feel it is so unfair you were made to leave after having a breakdown and agree it definitely depends on how understanding bosses are.

Things haven’t improved for me even though I have tried various things. I check in with friends and family, use distraction techniques and remind myself that things will get better. I use music and film to make myself feel better too. But I feel right now that things are never going to get better, ever. I know that bad times are temporary and yes I have experienced some good times in amongst the bad times but the bad times just keep on coming.

[ktac1689]

Sorry for yet another post but I feel a need to vent in a safe space where I won’t be judged or invalidated. I feel like it is me against the world and always has been and all the stuff of the last few months has just made it worse.

Last weekend I tried to end my life, started the process then stopped it. I filled my psychologist in and, as she is going on leave, wanted me to do some extra GP appointments. Even though I feel my GP doesn’t take me seriously I agreed to do it. I feel so deeply embarrassed that I opened up to my psychologist which led to today’s GP appointment and then today being made to feel like a dramatic child and once again like I was just putting it all on.

My GP seems to think it is a quick fix and that I should be all better by now. She said that people with mild depression feel a lot better with exercise. And kept going on about walking in nature and activating the reptilian brain. Even that made me feel invalidated as to me my depression does not feel mild. Do people with mild depression want to take their own lives every single day? And try to act on it? If that’s the case I would hate to have severe depression. And she never acknowledges the fact that I have BPD not only depression (which is enough on its own). I think because I can function somewhat it seems to her not that bad. She got me to fill out yet another measure of some kind to assess my feelings. Why I don’t know as it seems to be ignored every time.
I feel like inside my head I am screaming but not ever really listened to or understood. Thank you for giving me the space to vent.

[geoff]

Hello ktac, if your GP invalids your feelings and believe something that you don't agree with, then perhaps it's time to change doctors.

Depression of any kind and it doesn't matter whether it's mild or serious because being mild has the potential to become worse than you thought, and can happen slowly without you even realising.

You need to remember a person who has lived their life without any problems occurring at all, mild depression is going to be an enormous change for them, so it's just like working in relativity, it's a great concern for those involved.

If this doctor believes otherwise, then pretending is not going to help you.

Have you ever thought of trying someone else because it's you that has to look after yourself.

Best wishes.

Geoff.