Will the thoughts ever just go away? (TW)

[...Gekota]

I’m really lost, I haven’t been on this platform in a while and I don’t know what brought me back, I have started going to a psychiatrist since psychology didn’t work very well for me and they suggested prescription medication witch I refused, not because I don’t want to feel better but because I’d rather feel something sometimes then nothing at all, all the time. I still have to take some medication that’s useless and isn’t helping though, I still cannot talk to people. Along with other stuff I’ve also been diagnosed with ASD stage 1 which I kind of understand as she said there is a link between this and eating disorders but I’m still unsure. My parents know I’m still self harming now, I couldn’t tell them but I managed a nod when my mum asked. I feel very lonely, and being lonely is quite a very painful thing. When I first became depressed I never had suicidal intentions or thoughts but now after everything is supposedly going to get better I can’t stop but wanting to die sometimes. Everything I feel, feels wrong, and I feel that everything I do and everything I am will never be good enough for this world, for myself. I want to dig a hole and just lay there for a while until I slowly decompose into nature. I know I’m not a normal kid but sometimes I can act like one, it’s becoming less and less but sometimes I feel okay. But there are other times like now where I can’t help but wonder what my life could have been if I didn’t waste it in my head. I have struggles talking about feelings in person due to anxiety and my ASD but I do have a way with words and music but they don’t always feel like my own. My mum is going to tell my psychiatrist about my self harming and I’m afraid not because I’m scared of her knowing but because I’m afraid that I’ll have to talk about it and when I say I don’t how I feel I can just hear people telling me back “I think you do know” but I don’t and I don’t think I ever will. I’m afraid that if people find out I’m still so sad, worse then before then I’ll make them sad and depressed too, I’m a burden, but I wish I could be a good child, I good friend, sibling. Everything is so stressful and scary I relapse I flush my food down the toilet or throw it in the bin and if people know they’ll be sad, so I hide, I hide it so very deep till I can hardly remember it’s there, but it is, and it won’t go away. My head is a maze and right now I’m so very lost, there is no way out, all the ways are blocked, I am trapped.

[Sophie_M]

Hi ...Gekota,

We’re sorry to hear that you are struggling with self-harm and thoughts of suicide. It sounds like you have had to make very tough decisions for you regarding medication and wanting to have emotions present in your life. Indeed, wanting to be able to feel is understandable and recognise that feeling nothing at all, all the time can be very disconcerting. Being diagnosed with ASD on top of everything else really be placing a lot of pressure on you, especially as you already feel so sad, lonely, stressed and scared. This does not make you a burden or a bad person. You are a person that feels deeply, and this is nothing to be ashamed of. 

We have contacted you privately to offer you support as you matter and are important. If you wish there are other services that you can also connect with. There is Kids Helpline who are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

There's Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). There is also Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

You are not alone and we here to support you. We are happy to help you and would like to be given the opportunity to assist you.
We’re sorry to hear that you are struggling with self-harm and thoughts of suicide. It sounds like you have had to make very tough decisions for you regarding medication and wanting to have emotions present in your life. Indeed, wanting to be able to feel is understandable and recognise that feeling nothing at all, all the time can be very disconcerting. Being diagnosed with ASD on top of everything else really be placing a lot of pressure on you, especially as you already feel so sad, lonely, stressed and scared. This does not make you a burden or a bad person. You are a person that feels deeply, and this is nothing to be ashamed of. 

We have contacted you privately to offer you support as you matter and are important. If you wish there are other services that you can also connect with. There is Kids Helpline who are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

There's Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). There is also Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

You are not alone and we here to support you. We are happy to help you and would like to be given the opportunity to assist you.
 

[therising]

Hi ...Gekota

I find you to be such an incredible naturally intelligent person. I wonder how may people have spotted this in you.

Would you say it's intelligent that someone questions so much in a world that can, at times, be highly questionable? Would you say it's intelligent to be able to feel when life is not quite right? Would you say it is intelligent that someone seeks greater self understanding, especially when so much can feel confusing? Personally, I know a few adults who should be questioning and seeking but choose to just stay in the sameness of life, remaining ignorant to what it is they really need. Here you are seeking difference and knowledge.

My 15yo son was recently declared to be on the Autism spectrum, by a neuropsychologist. While such a declaration can help provide some direction, I've mentioned to my son the need to look beyond the label. I researched 'Right brain dominant', which I found to be incredibly helpful in having my son relate to why he ticks the way he does. Right brain dominant people are amazing people. Like you, he also has great natural intelligence. Wondering whether you share some similar natural abilities

• Are you very creative? He's an artist whereas you sound more like a musician. Do you find tunes just come to you from out of nowhere? Are you sensitive to sound? Do you ever feel overwhelmed in certain environments, triggered by certain sounds?
• Can you feel your thoughts? This can be really challenging at times. You can have an exciting thought and your whole body becomes hyperactive. You can have stressful thoughts and, again, you can feel hyperactivity in your body but it's a different feeling of hyperactivity compared to happy excitement
• Can you feel other people's words, like if someone is being degrading towards you, do you feel a heaviness in your body, where your whole body feels like it's being brought down?
• I bet you have an open mind and brilliant imagination. An open mind's a gift, unless we're allowing others to put stuff into our head that shouldn't be there, like if someone says 'You're not normal. You're weird'. The right stuff sounds more like 'You're extraordinarily super natural (very natural)'. It can be hard for such a natural person to act as someone else. It can also be hard to fit in if you have an imagination that is stronger than anyone else's.
• Are you a daydreamer?

I wonder how many more abilities you have. Another would be to know, without a doubt, that feeling numb is not a solution.

🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hey Gekota,

reading this I thought

you are a good child, sibling and friend.

Ur good enough.

If ppl don't accept u how u are currently they are the ones who have limitations.....

if you don't know how you feel, I think u should say that. Ur feelings matter and are as valid as anyone elses