Why it becomes a real option

[Unit1]

Don't know why I'm writing this.

I just wanted to say that after a suicide attempt in my 20s I am really thinking about it again now in my 50s and basically it boils down to the fact that I have tried for so many years with different therapists, medications, biofeedback, (even venting on BB) and in the end none of it has helped me. I know some people get results from therapy and meds and thats great for them but I think I am far from being alone in finding zero benefit from the thousands of dollars and draining discussions I have had over nearly 2 decades of treatment. I keep looking up local psychologists and wondering if it is worth trying again but I just do not believe there is any point because I have tried so many times before.

When your life is getting up early because of chronic pain and/or worry, doing a job that has some good points but plenty of stress, then coming home to my empty flat and empty life that has never ever included love, intimacy or companionship, eat food, watch crap TV then try to go to sleep if my anxiety would just let me and then have the usual array of unpleasant and nightmarish dreams, only to do it all again next day and forever.... well, then the ugly option of suicide starts to look perfectly rational.

As I said, I'm not in danger right now but I am so anxious and angry at several issues in my life right now and when I feel like I want to seek help but have nothing but resentful feelings towards the system that has failed to help me in the past I just stop trying and feel stuck again. I have spent my entire life in a miserable rut and my head is so locked up and broken that I just don't believe I can escape it. I just hate myself so much and cannot stand being in my own skin. I hope I never kill myself but I guess at least my complete inability to allow anyone close enough to love me means I won't really end up upsetting too many people. Apologies for the wallowing self pity. I can't sleep so this is what I end up doing. What a stupid pointless thing to do. So sorry for this negative crap, I don't want to drag others down.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Unit1,

We're so sorry to hear how much pain you are feeling right now. It is not easy to take this step in being so open and honest about your thoughts and feelings, but we are so glad that you reached out here tonight. It sounds like this has been a really difficult journey for you, and we can hear that you're feeling quite defeated and drained from trying to find the right support. This sounds incredibly challenging and we can understand that you're feeling let down by the system, and feeling stuck. Please know that you are in a safe, supportive place here where you can talk about what you are going through with our wonderful community members who really do understand what you're feeling right now. Many reading will have similar experiences and may be able to offer their insight and support. We are also checking in with you privately with some extra support.

We'd really urge you not to give up in finding the right support that works for you. Sometimes mental health practictioners with particular skill sets, and even particular personalities, can meet your needs and expectations in different ways. During overwhelming moments like these, reaching out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) is so important, and you can call as often as you need, at any time of the night or day.

You're not alone here, and we hope that you keep checking in and let us know how you're doing, whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Unit1~

I do know why you are writing this - you hurt and it is only human to voice that. It is not feeling sorry for yourself, any more than crying out if you broke a leg. I regret it has taken so long this time to get a second response. Sophie_M has greeted you and given you a couple of of good links, however since then there has been silence.

This is not you, it is not the subject of your post - which is important and deserves an answer, it is simply the system which does not always work as we would want - a b****** nuisance.

I know you have had various treatments from your previos posts, the meds did not work well, in fact quite badly, and the therapists were off target or off-hand. No real help.

I suppose I could go down the conventional path and point to myself who progressed from attempts to take my life through to my current pleasant existence, mainly thanks to hospital and medical support, but I'm sure you have enough such stories of 'hope' to last a lifetime.

OK, I'll offer a thought instead. Please excuse me if it is off-target or seems silly, however I guess you can tell I care and want to try to improve your lot -so I beg your indulgence.

In your 50's I'd expect you have heard the song Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles. It deals with loneliness, something that also appears a fair bit in your posts.

It starts

"Ah, look at all the lonely people"

and goes on to paint the life of a lonely woman who doe not make connections with others, and the priest that too is alone.

Please read the lyrics.

What are the implications of that first line? It implies there are others to do the lookng, others in better places -not lonely and alone.

Looking at Eleanor and Father McKenzie for yourself can you envisage any actions they might take so their lives had a different outcome? The Father spends his time writing for nobody, Eleanor follows in the shadow of those that are 'alive' with weddings and such.

For both of them life could be better. Maybe Father McKenzie might live a richer life in the Wayside Chapel in the Cross, Eleanor working in a St Vinnie's thrift store -dunno, just ideas.

You have not missed the boat, true life is alone and monotonous now,and has been for a long time. Can you 'brainstorm' some ideas within your reach to turn things around?

Feel free to tell me I'm talking twaddle, but do actually tell me and we can maybe try together

Croix

[bettertomorrows]

Hi Unit1,

I'm sorry that things are not working out for you. I can see that you've tried many times to make things better for yourself and admire your strength, courage and resilience. While I can't really offer any insight of the system, something in your post spoke to me.

You said that the daily grind of waking up from worry and pain to working a stressful job and coming home to an empty house and crap TV only to go to bed and do it again the next morning. Many times in my life I have felt that way too. You said that 'well, then the ugly option of suicide starts to look perfectly rational', and it seems to doesn't it? I've read somewhere before and it's something I'm hanging on by now that when one suicides, that's the end, there's no more chance for anything to get better. But hanging on one day, one day more, another day more, there's a chance things will start to look brighter at some point. I know if I go, I won't be able to see the sunrise anymore, eat my favourite food, feel the wind on my skin, hear the rain and wind outside or to watch my favourite show, and that keeps me here until things start to get better again.

What are some little joys in your day?

Take care

Boo