Why am I like this?

[lalykeys1]

Hi, I'm new here. I wanted to come here to help so I don't really know what I'm doing. Lately, I've been struggling and while I've been fortunate enough to be able to go to see GPs and Psychologists I don't think it's working. I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately and self-harm and I really want to get better: nothing makes me happy anymore and I can't continue acting like everything's fine. I haven't gotten a diagnosis so I don't know whats wrong with me or why I feel like this. I don't know what to do anymore, I have nobody to speak to and half of the time I can't even vent to myself because even I think I'm doing this for attention. Please help me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi lalykeys1,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We're so sorry to hear that you have been stuggling with thoughts of suicide and self harm. We want to let you know that we are also getting in touch with you privately to offer you further support. 

It sounds like things have been very overwhelming for you and we understand how difficult it can be to open up about these feelings. We want to let you know how brave we think you are for reaching out here. 

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. 

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Lalykeys1, and a warm welcome to the site.

When anybody visits their doctor and/or psychologist we expect them to diagnose us, then we know what we're battling with and understand what we've prescribed medication for, then if we are asked by a friend or family member, we can say why.

If we don't know then there is the chance that we may keep guessing and that's not an ideal situation because we need to directed and supervised by those medical professionals we have asked for help.

They will also give us some examples of the homework they require us to do, that's another reason why we need to know.

You are not doing anything for attention and would think you need to contact both these people and ask them for a diagnosis, if you aren't happy then maybe visit another doctor, this doesn't necessarily mean you can't visit this psychologist, only if you feel comfortable with them.

We hope we can hear back from you whenever you're available.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi lalykeys1

I feel for you so much as you face obvious deep deep challenges. When the challenges are this deep, there's no doubt, attention is needed. My own personal theory...be an attention seeker until the challenge is met.

Having experienced the absolute depths of depression earlier in my life, there was a fair bit of 'I'm drowning' arm waving in one form of another but no one seemed to be paying much attention in the ways I really needed. A lack of attention may include saying to a doctor 'You know those anti depressants, I think they're draining the life out of me and depressing me even further' with their response being 'Just keep going with them'. Dude, did you not just hear me?!!!!' It's like being treated by a doctor with an attention deficit. There were times I'd even say to my husband 'I just can't keep doing this (depression)', to have him say 'You'll be right'. What the heck? Is everyone around me deaf? I even had people simply label me 'An attention seeker' when my inability to cope with depression landed me in hospital. Looking back at those years with greater clarity, now that I've found ways of managing to stay out of depression (yes, it takes management), I can't believe the lack of attention. Yes, everyone was doing their best, based on their best at the time. I do appreciate their efforts.

lalykeys1, you deserve attention. People should be gathering around, brainstorming, wondering about all the things that will help you manage your mental health. This is what you deserve. When we're facing a life or death situation we deserve all the help and attention we need.

If you were a dedicated and fearless questioner of all things and all people, what questions would you give yourself the freedom to ask? Perhaps you'd ask the doctors 'Why aren't you leading me to feel better? What do you think you're dong wrong?', triggering them to wonder. Bold questioning but I imagine this is what you'd love to ask them. 'Why is my brain doing what it's doing?' might be another question. Over the years, I've come to realise I'm more than just my brain, which triggers more soulful questions. 'What or who has led me to feel down?' Could it be a lack of philosophers in life, people who wonder, in search of greater meaning? Could it involve a lack of inspirational people, who lead you to understand your self?

I believe, a significant question is 'Who am I?' One of my greatest revelations, 'I am more than my thoughts, so who am I naturally, without them?'

🙂

[lalykeys1]

Hi therising,

I don't know if I should reply to everyone here on this thread so I hope they see this. You are so helpful and I'm glad to know there are people out there with the same questions and ideas as I. I wouldn't be able to explain how happy I was when I saw some people had seen my post, let alone reply and although it's heartwarming, doesn't solve my issues. I don't know what is wrong with me, and while I could probably live with that, it's the fact that I don't think I'm getting better that hurts me. You are all so kind, and I'm glad for your concern. I won't be doing anything just yet, I've actually got some things to look forward to; one of them being a Minecraft update but it's really all I have. Thanks for all being there 😄

-lalykeys1

[therising]

Hi lalykeys1

I believe, if there's one thing worse than being in the dark, it's being left in the dark (in more ways than one). Being left in the dark can lead things to become even darker.

May sound a bit silly but if you could imagine 'enlightenment' in drop form, with every drop of what you need there is less and less darkness until suddenly things start to become brighter or clearer. One of the most challenging things about depression comes down to not always knowing what we need, one of the reasons we look to guides such as therapists for help. They're meant to know. If they don't offer any drop of enlightenment/greater clarity, it can lead you to want to scream 'Dude, where in hell is my dose of light, here in the darkness?!' I suppose you could say being in depression is like being stuck in hell/darkness without a torch or a map pointing to the way out.

Some things to wonder about

• Are my thoughts influencing my chemistry and energy levels?
• Is my chemistry influencing my energy levels and thoughts?
• Is my energy messing with my chemistry and thoughts?
• Are all 3 aspects intertwined in a way I've never noticed before?

No one ever seriously led me to question my way out of my depression until the end of it. If anything, I had a lot of people leading me to accept the darkness or a lack of enlightenment: 'You may need to accept you could experience depression for the rest of your life', 'Life isn't meant to be easy. Just accept it and stop over analysing everything', 'Stop being so sensitive and you'll be much happier'. In summary, I was being led to accept darkness, not question or wonder and switch off all the feelings that tell you something's not right. How depressing is that?!

I've found it pays to be super sensitive. Can you sense

• a lack of inspiration?
• a lack of direction and guidance?
• a lack of motivation?
• a lack of physical energy?
• a lack of healthy levels of dopamine and serotonin?
• a lack of enlightenment from therapists?
• a lack of self understanding?

We can begin to feel or sense a serious lacking. It can become a horrible torturous depressing feeling, that's for sure.

I personally find it depressing to live with a lack of wonder, which is why I wonder over just about everything. For example, if you're lacking in energy, I wonder whether you've got experts wondering about and investigating what's causing the lack of energy. It's depressing to live in a body that feels like it has no energy. It's like you can't feel your self.

🙂