Why am i doing this to myself

k0d3s · ‎18-09-2023

Hey all, about a week ago i lost an extremely close mate to suicide due to him being really depressed and always being put down. This had really hit me extremely hard and killed me on the inside. A few days later i lost a very very close family friend to unknown course during the night. We had the funeral recently and that day really hurt me deep down. I tried to just kms to just end the pain and suffering i had gone through for the last several years but I couldn't lose my GF and I didnt want to take the easy way out. Then on Friday i went out and purchased a lot of alcohol. Friday i started to drink a few here and there then on Saturday everything was to much and i just drank 1 after the other. At about 9pm that night i texted my GF saying that i never want to talk to her nor see her ever again and shes fat. None of this is true, she is the most amazing, beautiful, kind hearted and caring person you could ever imagine. I love her so so so deeply you dont understand. Sunday I spoke to her and i read all the messages i had sent and if im honest after reading them i didnt even want to talk to myself. It hurt that much with everything i had said all because i decided to drink. Everyday i have tried and tried to talk to her and shes responded here and there then earlier today she called me and i broke down instantly. I honestly thought she never wanted to even speak to me ever again but she did, after everything i had said and done, after all the emotions i killed. She still wanted to talk and i tell you that talk was the most emotional talk i have had in a long time. I know that she still doesnt quite want to talk to me and thats understandable and im honestly just hoping we will be able to have the good chats and laughs like we use to.
I need help with knowing where i need to go from this, im already trying to get myself into therapy i just need to find a place.

Croix · ‎18-09-2023

Dear KO3ds~

I'm very glad you came here as life has given you a very hard time recently and it is terribly hard to deal with. I'm also glad you are here talking and did not kill yourself.

It may surprise you to know you are coping, even if you think you are not. Coping does not mean everything goes well, is smooth and you feel you can handle it. It really means you are alive and doing what you can.

OK, so thoughts of your GF kept you alive and you did not want to take the "easy way out" either - that shows character, concern and maybe the ability to hope.

Those things did not stop me from trying to kms, so I admire you for it.

You hurt like nothing on earth and lashed out as a result. You lashed out at the easiest person - your GF, and sadly said things that will take time to repair - "fat" -ouch!

If your GF is a loving person you can build back, any relationship is there becuse both persons want it, so I guess you both want to make the repairs.

Trying drink as another way out from the pain is understandable, but I really hope you do not fall into that trap regularly. In time it causes more grief than it masks.

I'm glad you are lookng for therapy and in the meantime if things get too overwhelming can I suggest you contact either:

The Suicide Call Back Service or

Lifeline.

They both have phone and web-chat (which is getting pretty popular, may seem to prefer texting to talking).

If all else fails ring 000..

Are you trying to get though all this on your own, or is there anyone in your life you can say all this to and just be cared for?

I'd think showing your GF your post above might say things clearer than any words.

I do hope you come back and talk more

Croix

k0d3s · ‎21-09-2023

Thank you for taking time out of your day and responding to my issue

I have taken the time to understand and prepare myself for the future and iʻve come to realise that life is going to hurt you weither you like it or not. But in doing so its helping you because its making you the stronger person and showing who has your back when you need it at most.

I still cant thank your GF enough cause she showed me that I do have someone that cares for me, I do have people that i can reach out and talk to, i do have another place to go when im like this. I love her so much and I know i messed up and said somethings that shouldn't of been said, I tried my very hardest to talk to her and after 4 days of non stop messaging and telling her i am extremely sorry and just wanting to do everything i can she called me. The second I read the caller ID i broke down into tears because i honestly thought that it was all over, im back to being alone and dealing with everything by myself. I have promised her and myself that I will be more honest and up front with her if anything is wrong and she said she will do the same, I love her with all my heart. I really do and sometime within the next week we are going to go out for some dinner to really talk about things, I was really surprised when she said "sure, i would love that". We havent set a day yet as i am waiting for the pay to go in but i prayed to god and i promised that i will treat her like the angel she is.

For the last few years i have been dealing with everything by myself and i kind of just got use to not talking to people about my emotions and what im feeling. But now i know i have my family, my GF, her family and my mates and it has given me to motivation to get back on track and pursue my dreams in life.

smallwolf · ‎21-09-2023

hello,

Just wanted to jump in and reply to your last message. Something in it spoke to me.

It sounds like you've been going through a really difficult time lately, but are starting to find light again. I'm glad you were vulnerable and reached out and worked out that you don't have to shoulder everything alone. It seems that you have also worked out that healing takes time, but continue leaning on your support system when you need it.

To me ... there is no shame in asking for help. Your girlfriend and loved ones care deeply, and it means so much when you confide in them.

Stay focused on nurturing your relationship(s) and your own mental health. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled. There are brighter days ahead. Well done taking these difficult first steps. Keep moving forward; you've got this.

k0d3s · ‎24-09-2023

Thank you a lot and it means so much