Where do I go from here

[silentmelb]

So after a massive when I was 17 I have lived with severe depression for 37 years and finally diagnosed with C-PTSD in the last 3 years.

I’ve been with my partner for 19 years and we have a young son together. 4 weeks ago I got the bombshell that she could no longer cope with me and wanted a separation. This played into all my schemas and that night I ended up sitting by the edge of the sea in the pouring rain with rocks in my pockets, but after a few hours managed to pull myself round but progressively considered an overdose was the best way forward. I ended up being admitted for 3 weeks. Then yesterday on cup day she got dressed up to go to the race with her new friend from work and stayed out overnight. 
This has pushed me back again and my fears of trust are at the fore. I laid on my bed most of yesterday trying to understand and think about what now. I honestly don’t know the answer but today hate the person I am and that there is no hope and no future.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

If necessary please read this twice. I feel for you. (without going into sad details) Many years ago it would have been me that sat watching the sea 1996 actually, daughter 7 and 4yo. Then I recalled my fathers comment a few years early when he was alive "better to be the best part time dad than no dad at all."  It was that comment that saved me.

So for 5 years I collected my daughters for every 2nd weekend. It was heart breaking hearing questions "we want to keep you daddy". And so on. But, I built my own house and ploughed through the hurt not knowing I had bipolar and depression etc. Then at 12yo my eldest came to live with me- why? because she was treated harshly by her mother the same way I was treated. My younger one remained with her mother and sadly turned out the same with narcissistic traits and were used on me. sad.

So I suggest you get your determination in order to pledge your life that you will do your very best to provide and nurture that little boy. He needs you and believe me, you need him. You also deserve love and to be loved and although that clearly isnt your partner, it will come.

After I separated I walked around my new town and for 8 weeks was lost. Then I spotted a block of land and was successful at the auction, then built my kit home. From the day I bought the land I moved forward so it is really important to find a - hobby, sport, friends, mens shed, interest etc to fill your mind on other things. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

While doing this self elevation of esteem is paramount. I was living in a 10ft caravan, but it had a mirror. Every day out loud I'd look into that mirror and say "you are a good man Tony, you deserve love and care and you dont deserve cruelty from anyone". It worked after several weeks.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

The last thing you need ATM is to fight with your partner or make things harder for her. One day, you just might end up good friends, sharing your son and joining during events.  My eldest daughter didnt invite her blood mother to her wedding, instead asked my wife of 12 years to be her matron of honour. Before I led my daughter into the church she turned to me and said "I'm so glad you made it dad". She knew I tried to end my life once. It shook me to my core and I nearly lost it, but like I had for the previous 17 years, I put her above myself. She was more important. 

Along with these plans I want to express that one thing that helped me throughout my journey was positive thinking. Motivation is not possible as you would know, when in a depressive cycle, but when you begin to go through the phases you can motivate yourself and move on. I was 26yo when I attended a motivation speech that changed my life-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/focus-and-never-ever-give-up/td-p/205053

silentmelb, I've been here 10 years. I'm here nearly daily. I want you to repost when ever you feel like it and when I open this forum your post will show up. I hope I can help more.

All of us can tell you that you are valued. You are the one to tell yourself and survive this mess. 

Would you like to share anything else?

Us dads like our kids learn to count the days

Until we can join our eyes in a special way

Those Friday nights at Maccas is a special day

The kids, their smiles and their "overcoat grey"...

TonyWK