What Am I Doing Here??

[WishingQuitter]

I have a deep hate for myself.

There isn’t actually anything wrong with me, and I guess that might be a part of the problem. I often wish I could be diagnosed with something that would explain my unhappiness, but I feel too silly for asking to see someone who could help with that. I feel like, deep down, it’s could all just be me seeking attention.

I seem to never truly be happy? I have plenty of friends but on some level I feel disconnected to them. They’re nice people and we are all close, but I always catch myself thinking things like if they were to get rid of a member of the group, it would be me. Call them intrusive thoughts if you like; I think I get them often. I hate school, too, even though nothing actually goes wrong there.

I know what I should do to feel better. ‘Eat healthy, connect socially, sleep often etc.’ but I don’t want to. Call me selfish, but I don’t want to be okay by myself. I want somebody to notice and do everything for me because I lack the energy to do it on my own. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Even though I have passions and dreams for the future, it’s all too far away and I’d rather just give up now; I’m just too scared to.

The problem is, I shouldn’t have a problem. I look at everyone else’s threads and they all have things that account for their sadness, and I don’t.

I’m a stupid, selfish attention seeker and I don’t want to be here.

[Sophie_M]

Hey WishingQuitter,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through, it sounds like it has been a really overwhelming time for you. We acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support, and we are so glad that you have done so here tonight. Please know that our community is here to work through this difficult time with you. We also want to let you know that we are checking in with you via email. 

If you feel up to it, we’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

Kidshelpline also offer 24/7 counselling for those under 25 years and are available by calling 1800 55 1800 or visit https://kidshelpline.com.au/

We hope you keep chatting with us here WishingQuitter, 

[geoff]

Hello WishingQuitter, thanks for being on the forums.

You can't judge yourself against what other people say, it's a thread you have created and each one is taken on its own, we could never compare you to anybody else because there is no comparison.

You have every right to see your doctor under any circumstance and you don't necessarily have to tell them why, and even having intrusive thoughts is certainly a good reason where they may suggest you see a psychologist on a mental health plan, which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions.

You are not drawing any unnecessary attention, you have a problem that needs to be diagnosed and until this happens, guessing yourself is not going to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[sbella02]

Hey WishingQuitter,

First of all, thank you so much for your post, and welcome to our forums.

The hatred that you have for yourself sounds familiar to me, as I've experienced something similar in my own schooling life. I'm now out of school, but I often found myself feeling disconnected from my friends, not feeling happy with myself, or even resenting myself for no particular reason. I know it can feel silly to seek help, but it's so important to nurture and prioritise the health of our minds. Even if it's a brief chat with a GP, counsellor, or therapist, they may be able to offer some professional advice to help you ultimately feel better.

It's very normal to experience fear when pursuing your passions or hobbies. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown etc. Although engaging in hobbies and passions can be a welcome distraction from intrusive thoughts and everyday struggles, new fears and feelings of doubt and inadequacy can emerge when we are pursuing these. This can definitely make it harder to enjoy these things, or pursue them further. This speaks to my own experience of high school, as I found myself losing interest in the little things I used to enjoy and find comfort in doing.

While your dreams may seem far away, it's never too late or too early to make steps towards pursuing them. Have you ever been somebody to do New Year's resolutions or set goals at the beginning of the year? If you set small goals for yourself that can eventually lead to you pursuing your dreams, you may find that getting these done these may help to give you a sense of achievement. For example, one of my biggest dreams is to be a singer, so I've started a YouTube channel and have begun to upload singing videos there. It may not seem like much, but to me it represents a huge personal milestone that I've been longing to achieve for a while.

While being an attention-seeker may have negative connotations, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. It may just be representative of a need in your life that is not being fulfilled. It's also totally normal to want somebody to notice your struggles and give you the love and attention that you deserve.

Would you feel comfortable confiding in any of your friends? Do you have any siblings who you would feel comfortable telling? Do you think that you would be comfortable expressing your feelings to your parents? I find social support can offer me some great relief.

Feel free to chat with us more, we'd love to support you.

SB 🙂