Venting, i guess?

[deathlyhallows]

I'm really struggling at the moment and I don't know how to tell my parents I've been having some thoughts of suicide and self-harm. I struggle from social anxiety and depression, and it gets worse at specific times of the year. It's coming up to the 3-year anniversary of my best friends' death. he died from a suicide attempt when I was in year 9, I'm in year 12 now. He died a week before my birthday. I hadn't seen him since we were 6, and now I can't ever see him apart from my nightmares. I hate him so much for doing this to me but at the same time I miss him so much and wish he would message me one day saying it was all just a joke. Just a horrible, twisted joke.

I still lay awake at night, wondering whether it was my fault. I could have stopped him, or done something more to help him. I blame myself every day and I hate myself more and more for it.

I don't know what to do any more and I don't know whether I'll make it to my graduation. The medications aren't working and I just want to die. I hate everything about me and I wish I was never born. I know I won't do anything because I'm too scared to leave my parents. But I need someone to talk to. Someone who understands me, because my parents don't.

I'm losing interest in everything I once loved; hockey, cooking, writing, singing, knitting. My parents don't even recognize me any more and it's killing them. They want their daughter back, but I just want to die.

[Sophie_M]

Hi deathlyhallows, 

We are so sorry to hear about how you a feeling. It sounds like you are carrying a lot from the death of your friend. We want to say thank you for being so brave and for sharing your story and experiences with us here. The death of someone close is always difficult, and suicide adds even more to this challenge. 

We are concerned about you and want to make sure you have someone to talk to. We think that you would benefit from giving our phoneline a call on 1300 22 4636 and speaking to one of our wonderful team. They can help you talk through how you are feeling and find support. 

We also reccommend calling Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800. They are incredible at helping young people find support and they understand what it is like to be feeling like you do. 

It is importnat that if you feel unsafe that you see this an emergency and you call 00 immediately. 

We want to thank you again for your courgae in posting today - you never know who you may have helped. Someone may have seen your post and feel less alone because of you. 

Please continue to update us on how you are feeling if you feel comfortable. You are always welcome here to chat about how you are going. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[Aaronsis]

Hello deathlyhallows

I want to welcome you to the forum and to say how proud I am of you for venting here to get how you are feeling off your chest. I am so sorry that you have also had to grieve a life lost to suicide, I have found it to be so much harder than any other grief I have managed. They say time heals all wounds, I don't believe that to be true, I find that in time we just learn to live with it and take care of the wound it has left us with.

I understand so much of what you are saying in that the war between hating your friend and missing them so very much. It is a hard battle to navigate, but one I have come to see is totally necessary and "normal", if I can use that word.

I have also had many a night of laying there thinking of all the things I missed out on seeing, all the signs and what I "could" have and "should" have done so differently. The thing is though deathlyhallows, how do you help someone who does not reach out and ask for it? Your friend's passing was not your fault, I will say that again.."IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT". Through some very intensive couselling I have learnt this too, and as hard as it is for me to say this, it is not our job to keep people alive. I know that seems harsh but what a burden to wear and to expect that your life is in the hands of another. The only person responsible for our life is us. In saying that, the only person who is responsible for your friends death is your friend, just as my brother is the only one responsible for his death. I am trying to type this is the most gentle of ways so I hope I am not being too harsh here.

You ask for some help, I am so proud of you. You are here asking for help and reaching out and that is huge. I want to let you know about Kids Helpline, they have a web based support service too and I will put the link here, they are just wonderful to get some support from:

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

I also want to ensure that you are safe and if you are not, please, please have an ambulance come to assist you, please call 000.

Can I also say how hard it is being a parent and it does not come with a book, we try and we sometimes get it wrong. But I am sure that if you could even write a note to your parents to let them know you need some support and some help I think that would start the conversation and start some help for you, do you think?

I am here for you, to chat, to listen and to give you a virtual hug.

Hope to chat some more

Sarah xxx

[deathlyhallows]

Hi Sarah,

thank you for taking the time to read my story and help out a little, it's greatly appreciated. Thankfully, I'm safe and still here at the moment, I ended up going to the hospital after self-harming. They kept me overnight for observation and I'm still there at the moment. I'm glad I realized what I was doing, and went for help.

I just wish I didn't feel this way anymore, I hate it so much. I know it's not my fault he died, but while I saw sleeping, I had a nightmare again and I saw him. He was screaming at me, telling me it was my fault, that he hated me and is glad he doesn't have to see me ever again. I know it was all in my head, but it felt so real.

I shouldn't be thinking this way, I know it, I should be thinking about graduating and getting to the end of the year. I know that if I die, I won't be able to keep up with my Harry Potter collection, I just started last year around this time (Funko Pops mainly), and I currently have, in order,: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Severus Snape, Lord Voldemort, Sirius Black, Luna Lovegood with Lion Head, Rubeus Hagrid with birthday cake, Igor Karkaroff, Fred and George Weasley Yule Ball edition, Padma and Parvati Yule Ball edition, Ron Weasley puking slugs edition, Ron Weasley at Quidditch World Cup edition, Hermione Granger Holiday edition.

Overall, I have so far spent over $400 easily, with many more to come in the future. I also have the paperback copy of the Tales of Beedle the Bard, 6 Harry Potter related mugs, a crochet Ron Weasley, 3 notebooks, a timeturner, miniature Dobby, miniature Hogwarts, Quidditch set, several hand-made potions, the Jim Kay illustrated copy of the Philosophers Stone, hand-made scarves, pillows and blanket. And several paintings of my own design.

Thank you for taking the time to read this (if you do)

-deathlyhallows

[Aaronsis]

hello deathlyhallows

I am wanting to apologize for my tardy reply, moving house tends to take some time and energy...lol

I wanted to say how proud I am of you for going to the hospital to get some care and treatment and that they kept you overnight to be sure that you are ok. How are you doing now as it has been a few days and I wanted to check how you are feeling and how you are coping?

I understand how real dreams/nightmares can be, and how hurtful they can feel. I too have experienced this with regards to my brother so I know of what you are feeling, and how real it feels, it is terrifying to be frank.

I have managed to get some really great grief therapy to help me with breaking down the parts of my brother passing and also the way in which he passed, there is a big difference in grieving someone's death when they died by an "acceptable means" V's passing by an "unacceptable means". What I mean here is that if someone passes by having a heart attack, while we are still very sad and hurt, we can understand and we can accept that this was the cause and there is a reason. With suicide it is "unacceptable", we don't know why, we don't understand, we feel like we are to blame and a thousand other feelings and thoughts that go through our heads..well forever if we dont get some help to make peace with them. I also did some hypno therapy, and I will be the first to say "what?..that is just rubbish!"...well I can say I found the most perfect therapist and she was a huge part in my healing and my making peace with my brother's passing...maybe something to think about there for you?

I wanted to chat to you too about the word "should"..you said you "should" be thinking about graduating and that you "shouldn't" be feeling like this...see these terms are just full of expectation and about pressure. Grief is hard and it hurts and there is no rules and no shoulds. You take your time and you do what you need to do to process this pain and reaching out and getting support is a great start. It may mean other things in your life may need to pause while to take check of this. Not dealt with properly grief can really flare up later in yukky ways.

I hope to chat to you some more and I would love to hear more about your Harry Potter collection, it sounds awesome. My son has a large Hagrid PoP Vinyl and it looks awesome, he collects them and has about 50...he is slowly running out of room.

It sounds like you are an artist too? What have you painted?

Hugs to you

Sarah xx