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TW Vivid imagery, Suicidal and self harm ideation, urges and intent
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As I sit here in the change room at work, different ideas are coming into mind. I’ve already taken a step towards self harm, but it’s seems like it’s never enough… the voices wants me to take a step further, as I try to organise my bag I came across some stuff that I can use to take self harm and suicidal intent further… im in a private room which is a perfect scene to act on the urges… I try to block it all out by listening to music but it’s doing nothing but keep me in this mindset of me taking that step further. The idea of it makes me wanna act on it… how do I stop myself from acting on it? How does one mover forward safely without making it any worse? All I know is that I need to do it just to feed and hopefully stop the voices even just a second… I think I need to get out of this room… or probably I should seek help from our medic at work? That idea doesn’t sit with me but if that’s what I have to do then should I do it? The voices are like ‘jo, you don’t need anybody. Just do it!!! We know you want to jo! So why fight it? Just cave in and follow what we say… you got all you need it’s in your bag… isn’t that the reason why you have it with you in the first place! So go on Jo do it and let go, don’t hold back! You know we’re right…’ don’t know what to anymore, this feeling is so overwhelming that I can’t seem to understand and make sense of everything!
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'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with these overwhelming thoughts and feelings. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and express how you're feeling, so thank you for sharing your experience.
It's important to remember that these thoughts and feelings do not define who you arE. If you're feeling unsure about seeking help at work, you can also reach out to a mental health professional or crisis hotline for support. It can also be helpful to try some grounding techniques to bring yourself back to the present moment and ease the intensity of the urges. Beyond Blue has a web page about this also ...
Listening to you
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Hi KindSoul
While I can easily relate to the psychology that exists behind depression and the biology too (such as with the chemical nature of depression), a soulful perspective has been was has helped me most at times.
If I imagine there is something in this life that serves me and something that does not, the question at any given time is 'What is this dialogue about, what's it's purpose and where is it coming from?'. On one hand there is that which may insist 'Go ahead with everything you've been considering. It will be so much easier. Don't worry about anyone else. You know you can't do this anymore'. On the other hand there is that which exists to serve, which may dictate 'You are facing the hardest time in your life. You can no longer do this alone, no matter how much you try. You need help. You need to reach out and you need to do it now'. The second lot of dialogue is a life saver in that moment. It's not necessarily about changing the whole of your life, it's about changing that moment so as to be here for those moments in the future that are going to prove mind altering and life changing. You can't reach them if you're not here.
Listening to a guiding light is definitely testing. Guidance that may dictate 'You can't do this alone. You need to ask for help' may be met with 'You know people will see you as weak and pathetic. You can't let them see you this way. Whatever you do, don't ask for help'. Guidance that may dictate 'Stand up for yourself. Scream your truth to those who run you down' may be met with 'You can't do that. You can't upset people. What'll they think of you. They'll hate you. Do you really want to be hated and seen as a screaming maniac?'. While people like to imagine guidance as something that makes things automatically easier, sometimes guidance involves doing what's one of the hardest things we've ever been led to do, such as reaching out or being the most upstanding we've ever been.
Knowing what to trust and what not to trust when it comes to inner dialogue can come down asking the question 'Where will this lead me?'. Whatever leads you to the support you need is worth trusting in. Do not trust anything else. Whatever leads you to the day where things begin to change is something worth gaining trust in.
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How are you going today?
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All day and all night my brains been on hyperdrive, thinking of self harming whilst at work… my shift will soon finish and all my brains doing is planning on how to do it and when to do it., Im getting abit anxious about this awefu feelings and sensation I’m feeling right now… I just want the feeling to go away but it seems to not go away no matter how hard I try… I’m worried for my safety right now even whilst at work… I don’t know what to do or I haven’t decided as to how to go about it? Should I seek help from the medics here at work when I finish or just go home and hope for the best? The risk is very high coz the intensity is really really strong that it’s making me mental Than when I started my day…. Help me please.,,
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Every time I close my eyes, I get these visual of what I should do to end my own life… the voices kept showing me one specific imagery and that has something to do in my bathroom… I wish I can disclose my identity but having no faith into the mental health system deters me from doing so… I’ve been mistreated so many times that it stresses me more when emergency services are called as I feel that I’m not getting assessed properly… so I always think now is that one of these days I wouldn’t say a single peep nor let anyone know what I’m about to do to myself and/or even stop myself from myself… I truly feel that that day is coming closer… it’s unfortunate but it is what it is., by doing so, I will be a part of that statistic and that number will hopefully will mean to someone… atleast in the end I will be able to help someone else..
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Once again, thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others who understand what you’re going through. We can hear how difficult it has been lately, we’re so sorry that’s been going on.
It sounds like you’ve taken some really good steps in getting some support. It’s incredibly difficult when treatment doesn’t have any quick answers, and it can be a really difficult journey. We encourage you to keep your prescribing doctor updated on what’s going on for you and seek a second opinion from a differing doctor if are looking for additional perspectives on your treatment, especially if you are having thoughts of suicide.
We’d also really recommend calling the Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. The counsellors there are super kind and supportive, they’re understanding and can be good to talk to right in the midst of these feelings, or at any moment so that you can work out your next steps in getting more support together with them on the phone. You can also reach them via webchat 24/7.
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning . You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone.
We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.
Kind regards,
Sophie M
