At a Loss

[HanARGHH]

In June last year, my boss SA'd me after a few drinks at a bar for my birthday.

I don't know what the worst part about it all is either, the guilt I also feel knowing he has a girlfriend of five years also looms on my conscious 

I have had to deal with and live with this for several months, facing him on a daily basis. Nobody else at work knows anything, I am sure even though he has made threats to ruin my life and tell everyone numerous times, he constantly abuses me, manipulates me and gaslights me about the situation at work and I feel that if anyone found out I would feel so ashamed and embarrassed.

I am currently looking for a new job but today has been especially tough for me, we got into a argument over it with him 150% blaming me for everything, trying to guilt trip me, saying he's leaving and he will lose his house and custody of his child ect ect..and it is all my fault.

I just don't know what else to do, I have always been depressed on and off in life, many times wanting to KMS, I have been okay for a little while until now.

I'm tired of coming home crying because of the abuse which happens more times then I can count on both hands, I don't want to be here, he was the one person I thought I could trust but it turns out for 5 months he was just grooming me practically pretending to be my friend to get closer to me, I live in a state I didn't grow up in now and I basically have no one to talk to.

I couldn't even bring myself to tell my mother because I know she would just tell me to pack my things and 'come home' the problem with that is, she too is and always has been abusive toward me growing up. I just don't know what to do.

I feel like I am better off just offing myself at this point.

I know I need help but I just can't be bothered nor do I want to go through the trauma of rehashing all of the hurt and feelings I have over this predicament with a doctor or medical practitioner that wonr take it seriously.

What do I do? I'm just at a loss and I feel like dying is my only option 😞 

[ChildHeart]

Hi there, 

It’s not always easy to open up to people you don’t know and share your story, but thank you for using your courage.

Forgive me for assuming that I could fully understand how you are feeling, but you and I do have some things in common if you don’t mind indulging me in a little exchange of experiences? 

I had a boss come on to me at my previous job and touched me without my consent. He acted as if we were involved when he had a wife and tried blackmailing me saying that if I let out anything about what would happen I would lose my job and other things. 

I also had a difficult relationship with my mother and have been su*cidal in the past. 

Thank you for reading through that. Let’s talk about you….

Everybody feels and processes things differently and because of that, I believe that nobody has the right to judge what somebody’s coping level is and what causes somebody enough pain to reach a point where they consider ending their life. I’m not here judge you, but I do think you have other options available to you. Let’s go through some of them together….

1. Continuing to talk to the lovely people here on the forum as we all care for you and want you to be happy and safe. Also any close friends or family members that you do feel comfortable talking you would be an option if you wanted to talk to those that know a little more about you as a person. 

2. Looking into a plan for getting another job sounds like something beneficial for you. If you could be in a better work environment, perhaps you will begin to feel better to where you may ending your life isn’t the best or only option anymore? 

3. Talking to a GP or medical practitioner can seem scary (I should talk I have never mentioned my suicidal past to my GP) however, please know that they are professionals and have your best interests at heart and aren’t going to take it as a joke. It is their job to take thing seriously, act professionally and be somebody reliable when it comes to health in general. 

I hope this helps? Please take care. 

[smallwolf]

Hello,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through at work. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, especially since you have to face them every day at work. And you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened, as it was not your fault and I feel you do not deserve to be treated this way.

I can understand that you feel ashamed and embarrassed about the situation, but please know that it's not your fault and you don't have to suffer alone. It takes strength to speak up and to seek help, and it's also okay if you don't feel ready to do so yet.

It's also good that you're looking for a new job and taking steps to remove yourself from the situation. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and safety above all else. Please don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist or hotline for support. Because you deserve it.

Listening ...

[therising]

Hi HanARGHH

You are a highly conscious kindhearted deeply feeling person who is suffering through the terrible actions of far less conscious, ill hearted insensitive person. In no way is that your fault.

I've found incredibly self serving highly irresponsible people typically have some things in common. Rarely do they set out to serve others without there being some agenda, they'll typically hand over responsibility to others when it comes to their self serving actions and they can be deeply depressing at times. This guy you speak of takes no responsibility for his actions. He's leading you to take responsibility for his relationship, his job, his house and the relationship he shares with his child. The fact you feel for his girlfriend simply points to you being a kindhearted thoughtful compassionate person. That's who you are and that's something to love yourself for.

Not sure if this will help but one of the things I've discovered over the years is whenever I'm in an incredibly dark place within a period of depression, I know a certain part of me is on the verge of coming to life. I can recall when the intolerant cow in me fully came to life, I couldn't believe how sassy and feisty that part of me was. Being an intense people pleaser for so many years and being someone who seriously feared judgement, that part of me had waited patiently to come to life for decades. Should add, I have to manage it carefully at times, as it can resemble a ranting venting maniac. This part of me has a 'tell it how it is/take no prisoners' nature at times. I won't tell you exactly what that part of me would say to the guy you speak of but a toned down version would be 'You're an irresponsible self serving and stressful person. You are depressing and demeaning. You are soul destroying'. You know he's soul destroying because you can feel it. Your ability to feel is telling. It tells you who you're dealing with. Your ability to feel so deeply is not your weakness, it's your strength.

If you could bring any part of you to life, within reason, what would it be? Btw, it's okay if it's a part filled with rage. My inner intolerant cow is a warrior type, a fierce and powerful defender of the heart.