Troubled mind

LaineYG · ‎15-04-2023

today I woke up having serious and really strong urge to end my life.. this is probably triggered by how my life is atm... aside from having a good job that I actually love as well as having a roof over my head, I got nothing to really show for... I got no one to turn to when I’m struggling... I got no friends and have limited supports in the community. The nearest hospital to me knows me well but has been giving a subpar care coz they got a different view of me, they think I’m a joke and is making all these things up... how can I trust that they’ll do right by me when they have that idea of me... this is why I’d rather be dead now than feel like this and be related like a piece of s**t. This is probably what’s best for everyone... once it’s done and I’m gone, everyone will be relieved and have one less problem to think off...

white knight · ‎15-04-2023

Hi welcome

Short story- Went to the medical centre 2 days ago for a nurse for a procedure. I was called in and before I went in I told her my name and "what's your name". There was no answer and I was loud enough. Then she, in a demanding voice asked for my paperwork. I didnt have any so she said I'd have to return to the waiting room. I had a major meltdown. In the distant past I would have gone home and be upset for a week. Instead, I returned to her to "tell her off" and I suppose I was a daunting 135kg figure on her. I then reported to the counter that I was "melting down" and could I go to a room. I received the most wonderful caring assistance I could ever want by warm and wonderful nurses.

So, to you, you are not irrelevant, should never be discounted as a "joke" and deserve all the care you need. Suicide is not the answer, I've tried and my brother and uncle succeeded and left much hurt to our family. Besides, I never have tried since (1996) and never will, I will do anything to avoid that road. In fact I dedicated myself after that to 1/ be a great parent and 2/ to help other people like you to avoid it.

If I was you I'd do the following-

make other connections like lifeline 13 11 14 and Beyondblue 1300 224 636 or write in here.
never accept being discounted eg stand up for yourself. Not easy BTW
try not to think all medical staff are the same, seek out the kind, non judgemental ones. If uncomfortable ask for someone else.
Take up hobbies, sport (barracking for a team etc)
Seek your full potential

I hope I've helped. I'm on here regularly nearly every day and other champs are here to. I love this place.

TonyWK

LaineYG · ‎16-04-2023

it’s hard to trust the system when your treated like a piece of s**t… that’s why most of the support I’m getting are from those who are not affiliated with my local hospital… coz whatever service or support I try to go to that’s affiliated with my local hospital seems to not do a proper assessment of me… hence why sometimes I believe that everyone is out to get me… and I know that’s my paranoia saying that but it’s hard to challenge it when I know for a fact that that’s how I am getting treated… in saying that, that’s where the thinking of ‘I’m better off dead than be in this situation’ coz it’s far easier than living in hell like this…. Atleast wherever I end up going for when I end up ending my life I know that there’s someone up there waiting for me… I don’t believe that I got much to live for down here…

LaineYG · ‎16-04-2023

Why is it so hard to find reasons to live but so east to find reasons to die? Why can’t it be the other way around? Why does the world I live in seems so dark and full of pain and suffering? How come others can go thru life without a hitch? I wish I was the same as others where there’s light and happiness… as much as I want to live in that world, I seem to not able to see it in others peoples eyes… maybe that’s just how it is but I wonder how can i change these view of my world into the same world as everyone else is living in.

Sophie_M · ‎17-04-2023

Dear LaineYGal

Thanks for your post. We understand that you are really struggling.We want to let you know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is here for you. If you’d like to talk through any of this with our team, we invite you to call or chat to one of our trained mental health professionals; it’s completely confidential and available 24/7. You can contact Beyond Blue either via phone on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat service at the following link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat

In the event of an emergency or if things escalate and you feel unsafe, please call 000 immediately. Here are some other numbers you can call to access immediate support to keep you safe; these numbers are all 24/7. Lifeline on 131 114 https://www.lifeline.org.au/ and Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au

Warm Regards, and please keep safe.

Sophie_M

white knight · ‎17-04-2023

Hi again,

Re: " as much as I want to live in that world, I seem to not able to see it in others peoples eyes" Good question. I think many people have a greater level of acceptance, they accept that animals and humans dying is normal in life, they might not have the same emotional level as yourself or they dont have any mental health issue to load them down.

Life is hard and for us life is only easier if we work harder. If only I could convince you how wonderful life can be but that would take an approach that makes you strive for that good life. It's a bit like falling over, you are lying on the ground and you reach up for others to lift you... but they are all busy with life and have their backs turned. They dont mean to be turning away, but they are because they have their own battles. So the only way is to get up by yourself and review why you fell. Once you have stood up look around you... there is flowers, cuddly animals, kind people and laughter, its just over there in the park... you can walk there... will you?

I'm here to keep talking, just have to wait till I'm back online.

Are you feeling good here?

TonyWK

Croix · ‎17-04-2023

Dear LaineYGal~

Sorry this is long -sigh, and there are 2 parts:(

I can well imagine all the feelings you behind those words:

"The nearest hospital to me knows me well but has been giving a subpar care coz they got a different view of me, they think I’m a joke and is making all these things up."

To try to cope with that is so hard, it makes a person think the world is made up of unfeeling people who have no sight and no care. If that were completely true then things might well seem hopeless.

I’ll give you an example, it’s a bit like Tony's in a way (I completely agree with everything he said BTW). A long time ago (I must stress things are better nowadays) I "voluntarily" went into a psych ward for suicidal matters, but wanted to go out for a few minutes

I was told "no". I explained I was voluntary and the nurse behind the doorway counter (who had never even checked my notes) said "It's not about you, its about us, if something happened or you did not come back we'd be in trouble"

It showed me the depth of empathy and care present NOT.

(It was quickly sorted out by my psych)

I had a hard time to start with on the ward, the other patients upset me, not because they gave me a hard time but because they were in grief and pain.

I felt I'd nowhere to go, maybe a bit like you feel now

One day a psych nurse who was not one of the ones "looking after" me went home during his shift and brought me back a stack of his own personal books. They were adolescent fantasies

They were just what I needed, I lost myself in a world for heroes and princesses and villains who got their just deserts. A real retreat from that ward. Of course the thing that really made the difference was the kindness of a fellow human being

I was discharged, of course things were not perfect but now there was the knowledge that real people are lurking out there ready to be found, or to find you. It made a huge difference to me, I did not have to assume all were as bad as I'd thought

Croix · ‎17-04-2023

OK, here's the rest of it ...

Why was I there in the first place? For me the world was a small limited one in my eyes, my life was horrible and I felt the way I'd been treated, not worth anything

Those books and that kindness started to show me the world was larger, there was hope, interest and understanding (plus staff do change)

Can I add The Kids Help Line (not the web chat even though that seems easier) on 1800 55 1800. I've found them pretty sensible and do not jump to conclusions or overreact (YMMV at times)

Never doubt you are a person who deserves a better life than you have right now

Croix

therising · ‎17-04-2023

Hi LaineYGal

Was saying to someone just yesterday 'Why can't it be easier than what it is? Why do things have to be so damned hard at times?'. Sometimes it feels like there's just not a lot of energy left with which to do 'hard'. I think Tony and Croix hit the nail on the head in one way - some folk (who are meant to be helping) make it much harder than what it needs to be and some folk just don't help matters at all. Then there are those who end up showing you how much easier it should be, like the people who showed up to help in some way that made a difference.

I like Tony's challenging nature, under such circumstances. I think sometimes we gotta just say it how it is like 'You're meant to be making this easier for me, so why aren't you?' or 'You have no idea how done I am with people treating me like this. I am sick (because) of people repeatedly treating me this way'. Amazing how 'I'm sick of...' becomes so much clearer when you throw a 'because' in there. I'm sick because of not being listened to. I'm sick because of people throwing challenges my way. I'm sick because of no one seeming to make a difference. Great dis-ease does not feel good or in anyway comfortable, whereas ease is such a relief. I think the mantra should be 'Make this easy'. More a direction for others than a mantra I suppose. I think when you're the kind of person who tries so hard to make things easier for others in a number of ways, absolutely nothing wrong with demanding the same in return.

rubytiger · ‎18-04-2023

Hey LaineYGal

I wanted to let you know that your not alone in the way your feeling.

I don't have anyone to turn to either or friends. It makes things so much more difficult than they need to be when you don't really have anyone to turn to when you really need someone. I've just starting using the forum on here and on reachout or to chat with someone online that can help sometimes.

I know that it's awful. But it's not what's best for everyone even if you think that way, (i think that way too), stay for yourself. You have the opportunity of finding out your potential and what your life could become. I think the exact same as you..

Is there another hospital you could go to? Don't know if that would help but