Triggers leading to ANGER leading to suicidal thoughts

[Ammee]

Hi all,

It's been a scary week. This week I got very close to taking my life. I made a choice to call the helpline instead of taking my life at the time and they and my husband, together, got me through that night. Since then the suicidal thoughts have been plaguing my mind on and off and it's exhausting. There is a pattern. Things trigger me - something someone has said or written to me, or my daughter (and to a lesser degree my son's) behaviour, are the main ones (they both have special needs and get very loud). A small thing seems to trigger this feeling of absolute RAGE inside, which leads to the suicidal thoughts and takes me down a spiral of despair feeling like its all too hard, it isn't worth it anymore.. It's horrible and scary. Is there any way of stopping the rage over such trivial things? I really am scared I will hurt myself. Thank you for your help.

[smallwolf]

hi and it looks like Sophie_M got in before me. 🙂

It is disgusting to hear how the other school kids are acting towards your daughter. I cannot imagine what you would be thinking or feelings - perhaps anger, frustrating and very upsetting. Though it sounds like she has a strategy for dealing with this as well which is good.

Not sure if this next bit is for you or daughter...

I have been seeing a psychologist for some time. I once talked about how broken felt. My psychologist didn't like me using the word broken. Anyway, from there the talk moved towards the Japanese art known as kintsugi in which objects are put back together with gold or other metals. In this culture the cracks are celebrated in telling a story about the object. The part that helped me was knowing that when object when put together is unique (there is no other like it), is stronger than before, beautiful, resilient, and precious.

I would have the background on my phone set to a piece of kintsugi art to remind me of this. The properties I mentioned ... uniqueness, strength, beauty, resilient etc., are in both your daughter and yourself. My hope is that in this challenging time for you both some of this might be of some help - we each have to find what works for us.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you both.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ammee

Thank you for letting us know that you are OK, and even if it is just OK, that is enough.

It is good news that your daughter has not made any more attempts, I am sure though that you are living on high anxiety and keeping a close eye on her would be absolutely exhausting both emotionally and physically, so I am glad you are here to purge and to debrief and to get some support for you.

Kids can be very cruel, and I put this down to small people who are trying to find their way in a hugely busy and confusing world with so many things changing, as well as their bodies and hormones and essentially just trying to figure out who they are and how they fit. Does it make it right to bring down another to make ourselves feel better..absolutely not but sometimes I think this is the only way they know to get some feeling of worth or peace..which is just so devistating.

It is great the school is being supportive and that they are doing what they can to accommodate her, that is really great news too. Mostly though it is wonderful to hear that she is back at Scouts and engaging in a space that she loves and feels safe, that is such great news too. So I can see that while there is some real pain and turmoil going on, there are some good things too and that is awesome as you do have some positives to focus on, which is gold.

I just wanted to chat a bit about how you are feeling, if that is ok? I read that you are keeping on going and keeping strong for your daughter, that her life is so very important to you and that you have to keep strong for her. I am wondering what we can do to allow you to see that your life is just as important, that you matter more that just "her mum", that you are worthy of a happy and healthy life outside of this role as a mother. I know things are really hard for you outside of what is happening with your daughter and I am sure that caring for her takes up 99% of your energy. I am just wondering if there is one small thing, however small that you can do for you, to make you feel connected to happiness and to hope that there is a good life available for you, that you deserve that too?

I am so pleased to hear that you have chatted on the phone to counselling and that also you have some friends checking in, allow them to be a friend to you and take them up on an offer to make a meal for you or to just come over and chat or to have a coffee, there is real power in human connection.

I hope to chat some more to you Ammee

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Ammee]

Thank you Sarah,

I am doing something for myself. Going to a meditation retreat next weekend while my husband does the hard yards for a few days. Should be. Good to have the break in the wilderness for a couple of days - I really need it.

[Ammee]

Thank you.

My daughter is pretty amazing actually. Last night I broke down in tears, I couldn’t stop them coming. She sat down with me, hugged me, stroked my back, and said “It’s ok mum, we’ll get through this together, how bout we watch a movie and have popcorn tomorrow, just you and me.. “ She is pretty special. Even in her greatest times of need she is thinking of others as well.

Today still wasn’t easy, lots of ups and downs, but we did get a cuddle on the couch while watching a movie with treats - so nice for both of us, while my hubby and son were out of the house.

We both needed it. Strength, resilience and peace - all very important, and I do all I can to keep them going in my household.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ammee

WOW, that sounds awesome that you are going to take some time for you and go to the meditation retreat. I hope that it fills you will so much love and light and you really get some of your cup filled that you so deserve. It is also a really great opportunity for your husband to be able to step into the spotlight for awhile and to really see how things are. It will be nice for you to take off that cap of carer for a weekend and to focus on you, so very important. I hope you have the most wonderful time.

I read what you wrote to smallwolf and I am so beyond happy with you that you got to connect with your daughter over a movie, with a hug and have some real connection time that made you both feel good, and loved by each other, which sometimes we forget when things are so emotionally driven. Can I also say though that she has learnt from you how to care, that what she was doing to you is clearly how she has been cared for and this is so wonderful that she can now be in a position of strength to help you but also that she knew exactly how to respond to you. This is full credit to you.

I hope today finds the peace is still there, and that you can do something today to put a smile on not only your face but to see a smile on your beautiful daughter too.

Huge hugs to you Ammee

Sarah xxxx

[smallwolf]

RegieTest

[Ammee]

Hi,

The retreat was a big help and the week has generally been really good. Had some wonderful times with my husband I haven't enjoyed being with him that much for a while. But today I am on a low again. I try to focus on the good times.

Thank you.

[smallwolf]

On feeling low again ... my mind used to reset in regard to my mental condition. I used to think of it like a broken arm - the bone is broken, put a cast on it, weeks later, the bone is healed and all better. But this is not the case for my mental health. So it would be like the goal posts moved further away. Since those times I have worked out ways to counter those thoughts. One is the never ending story of the Monkey king. The other and perhaps more relevant is that sometimes to get to the top of mountain we have to go into a valley to find a alternate and better path. When we go down into the valley, there has to be a point where you start to rise again. It is what keeps me ticking...

How you do focus on the good times?