Trigger warning, suicidal

[Miloisyum]

Hey there,

I have been struggling on and off with long spouts of depression for a long time. I have a lot of people that care about me, and it makes me just feel really guilty for wanting to end my life. My mum brought a house with me with my father’s inheritance and is working on buying another house and if I kill myself now I know she will have to leave work, she also struggles with depression and I worry it might trigger her to kill herself and then my brothers will have to deal with everything. I do believe if she could keep living it would actually be better for everyone in the long run, they could keep the house for instance or use the money from it to cover my costs. That wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t want to be a further burden on them but this is what I need. I can’t keep acting through this life. I have been thinking of ways I could commit suicide that look accidental, I just don’t know. I know everyone is going to say there is a way to feel better but is it really so bad that I don’t want that? I have been isolating myself to make it easier, so people are used to me being gone. I guess the scariest thing is I don’t want to fail and end up a vegetable and they won’t kill me even though it’s my choice

[Sophie_M]

Hey Miloisyum, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear about how strong these thoughts of suicide are for you. It sounds like it's been hard to sit with them whilst also thinking about those around you - we can really see how much you really care for them. 

If you feel it may be helpful, we would encourage you to get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through what has you thinking about ending your life and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

Similarly, our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also available 24/7, particularly in times where these thoughts become overwhelming difficult to manage on your own. 

Please keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[sunnyl20]

Hey,

I am really sorry to hear you are in such a dark place. It sounds like you are really hurting and have put a lot of thought into leaving. You obviously care about your family, and have a lot of people who care for you - I can only imagine they would do anything to help you and would want to support you through this, but I feel that you know this already. Is there anyone of them who you feel able to talk to about how you are feeling? Was there ever a time in the past where you felt like this and if so, do you remember how you got through it?

I really hope that you keep talking on here, we are here to listen. Please reach out when you feel up to it.

[Miloisyum]

Hi, Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I have been reading a lot of posts today and have started to think maybe I have PTSD. The only way I’ve really gotten through this before is by acting happy, or that’s how I feel - like an actress. I act happy mostly to make other people happy and trying to be optimistic. I lie to myself, tell myself I probably should have died a lot of times so there must be a reason I’m alive. I haven’t been this down in a long time. I ruined a friendship a couple years ago, when I would break down sometimes her family would help me. I don’t want to keep putting my issues on all these people I love, I can be a really toxic person at times and I know how hard it can be dealing with people that are mentally unwell that’s why I don’t like to burden other people.

[sunnyl20]

Hey,

I hope you have found it somewhat useful to read through the forums, sometimes it can be reassuring knowing that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. It sounds like it has brought some things up for you though in relation to past trauma - I hope that this has not made things feel worse for you. Please do not hesitate to call one of the helplines here: (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/national-help-lines-and-websites) if you are wanting more immediate support.

I know what you are saying when you feel that you are a burden. I have struggled with this myself. I understand everyone's experience is different, and I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, but please know that your family has stuck by you because you matter a lot to them, it sounds like you have many people that care for you. You are not putting your issues on them, that is what family is for, they are there to support you, you are not a burden to them. You are not a burden for needing their help, you have obviously been through a lot, the people that care for us are usually happy to help but they sometimes don't know how if we don't let them in. I am really sorry that your friendship broke down, it can be so difficult trying to not let your mental health put a strain on relationships.

Have you ever seen a psychologist/ mental health clinician? If you haven't, would you consider it?
Take care, and as always, please do not hesitate to talk more if or when you feel up to it.