Trigger warning- Confusing feelings

[bettertomorrows]

Hello there 🙂

I'm just feeling a little confused at the moment working through many thoughts and feelings and wanted to hear some thoughts and opinions. Before I start, I just want to say that I'm safe. I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow, I've spoken to a crisis team last week and a friend is holding on to anything that might be unsafe for me.

I've been flicking between suicidal feelings for awhile now, some days are good and some days not so. On the good days, I feel that I don't want to cause pain to my friends and family, and that no explanation will really be enough. On the bad days, I feel really bad about myself - I feel like i'm just really weak being like this. I feel tired fighting these thoughts, and I'm scared that even if I get through this now, these feelings will come back somewhere later in life. These thoughts do make me want to end it all, but I don't. Just want to throw it out there again that I'm safe. Is it normal to have these conflicting feelings of wanting to end it, and wanting to push through and stay??

I feel tired after talking to my counsellor or crisis team, and I feel anxious thinking about having to speak with them or anybody who asks me if I'm okay. I feel the need to reassure people that I'm okay, even if I'm not. I find it difficult to ask for help, or to talk about how I am feeling. Is this normal? I've been struggling with self-harm too, but I feel the need to lie to my counsellor/friend that I have been self-harm-free even if I haven't. I'm not sure why, if it's shame/guilt or the need to pretend to be okay. I'm a little bit worried of what might happen too - is there a chance I might be placed into a mental health facility if that's what it's called?

I'm really tired of feeling this way, I feel pretty messed up and rough about myself. I'm not sure if I will ever be my usual self again. Right now I'm just trying really hard to be present and stick around.

Thanks in advance.

Boo

[Aaronsis]

Hi Boo

I am so sorry to hear that things are overwhelming for you at the moment, and that you are feeling like talking or reaching out is a burden for others. I would like to remind you that this is just the noise in your head, it is thoughts and not truths. We are here, we are always here and you are no burden, not to us and especially not a burden to your therapist...that is the prime reason they are here in life, they chose this role to help others and they want to help. Can I ask if you would feel bad about going to your butcher a few times a day to get the right steak? This is what they do for a living and the more you share the more they can support you. I know you do know this but just want to remind you that you are worth the help, you are worth the support and we are here for you Boo.

What you write here too can also really be a great thing to share with your therapist as you are so clear and express how you are feeling so well, it may save you the stress of talking it through, you can just let them read and then begin the conversations with you.

I have had to talk about my thoughts of suicide too, but not about me taking my life but me being obsessed with suicide to the point of me thinking everyone in my life would die by suicide. I lost my brother last year and the impact of suicide has really shook me, however, I am doing so much better now and talking about it so honestly and having to say how much it effected my life was hard to do, but remember the people who are helping us are therapists, they have heard all this before and unfortunately we are not alone, so many people struggle in this space, you are not alone and you deserve the help.

If your friend found supporting you was too hard or like they could no longer do that they would tell you, so that you could find someone to support you. Please let your friends do that for you now as you would do so willingly for them.

I am so proud you have some great things to keep you busy and you finding couloring in and sudoku are helping you with this. I am sorry that the self harm is happening still but I understand and I know that you are trying so hard, so know that you are not being judged for this, but supported to find ways to manage it.

Please stay safe, keep chatting, we care and we are here for you.

Hugs

Sarah

[Doolhof]

Hi Boo,

Earlier this year I was in a horribly tough place where I really didn't expect to be around any longer.

I want to thank you for your openness, your ability to express what you are feeling and experiencing and your sharing of what is helping you.

I'd like to encourage you to continue on with your counselling. Express openly what you are thinking and experiencing. The person will be able to help you. If they do not know the intensity of your thoughts, they may offer you different suggestions of assistance.

Psychologists in the past have told me if they believe I am in immediate threat of myself they will contact the required authorities. This provides me the freedom of telling a trained person all the scary and horrid thoughts in my mind knowing it is a safe place to do so.

After an appointment I sometimes write down stuff that is still going around in my mind and note the helpful stuff I have been told. I go for a short walk sometimes to clear my mind or might treat myself to a coffee.

Regarding self harming, I am fortunate to have a large garden, so instead of self harming I cut down bushes, dig up weeds, break up sticks or go for a long walk until I am exhausted. Are there some physical activities you could try?

I really like the idea of doing activities that help and you and Sarah have both reminded me of activities I used to enjoy! Time for me to get out the colouring and drawing equipment, the Sudoku puzzles and to try and little sewing.

Those negative thoughts can be persistent! I was told to acknowledge those thoughts, to accept some days they are going to be there and that is okay. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and happiness. I now acknowledge when I am really down and see what I can do that day to make it easier to get through.

Wishing you much strength, determination and acceptance.

Cheers from Dools

[Russian_Red_Foxx]

Hi Boo,

I am really sorry to hear that things haven't been going to well lately. I may not be a doctor, but I would just like to reassure you that it is very unlikely that you would end up in a mental facility. I am not exactly sure how to explain the conflicting thoughts, because I have been experiencing exactly the same thing, but what I can say is that hiding them will not do anything to help. I made a post on ways I normally calm down, which you can check out using this link:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/a-few-ways-to-help-calm-your-thoughts-down-or-redirect-them-

Again, I deeply apologise about how you have been feeling and I hope you get better soon.

Russian_Red_Foxx

[bettertomorrows]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind kind words that really make me feel that I'm not alone and things can get better. Today is feeling a little better for me and while I anticipate the worst is not over, I think I can get through it. Thank you all for sharing so openly about your thoughts, own experiences and tips, I really appreciate it so much beyond words. I hope you will all have a good day.

Boo

[Doolhof]

Hi Boo,

Hope you have a good day too!

This morning I awoke feeling a little tired and down so I decided to go for a walk before work. I tried to engage with all I was seeing around me. I live in the country so I was taking notice of the changes in the paddocks, the different colours of leaves in the trees and tried to discern the different bird songs.

I like to take photos on my phone as well, helps me to feel more grounded and connected to what is going on around me.

The nature photos also cheer me during my lunch break at work or when ever I need a reminder of how peaceful life can be.

People here understand the roller coaster ride we can sometimes have around mental health! Knowing that other people experience something similar can be reassuring.

Many people have been in horrid places and have managed to come through the other end. It can be tough, there is hope and changes can be made.

All the best to you from Dools

[bettertomorrows]

Hi Dools.

That sounds beautiful. I'm so happy for you being able to be in touch with nature and soak in the beautiful sights, smells and sounds. I love feeling the warm sunshine and gentle breeze on my skin, and taking photographs of flowers, although some run-ins with spiders and bugs recently have made me a little wary of the outdoors haha

It's beautiful that the nature photos help you find a sense of calm during your lunch break. I think it's a really lovely idea to have something easy accessible to feel calm and peaceful.

I really enjoy being on this forum and am so grateful for the virtual friendship, connection and words of comfort offered by everyone here. I hope everyone is having a lovely day today! 🙂

Boo

[bettertomorrows]

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all going well and having a nice day as the weather warms up 🙂

I just wanted to vent a little - not feeling too amazing right now. Had some stuff come up that reminded me of sad memories. Plus, I made a decision yesterday that I want to stop self-harming and as things seemed to be getting better, but didn't feel safe enough today and had to give my friend things to safe-keep again. That didn't feel too good and I'm feeling pretty angry with myself for being so useless in that sense 😞 Right now I'm okay, I'm safe. Just feeling pretty unsettled on the inside - sad, angry with myself, useless, confused if I can/will still get better, feeling a little bit of a burden on my friend too.

I've been wondering a little about what's the point of life too, but not feeling suicidal at the moment, please don't worry.

Take care everyone, best wishes

Boo

[therising]

Hi Boo

I feel like I want to give you the biggest hug. I'm not much of a huggy person, so this says a lot.

While I'm just about to get started for the say ahead (in the business of being a mum), I wanted to catch this thread so I can get back to you. Don't want to lose it. Before I go, I just want to let you know that I see you as an incredibly powerful person who is questioning their way toward greater self understanding. With such understanding, their can be incredible pain, sometimes overwhelming pain. It is my heartfelt wish to be there for you during this painful time.

Chat soon 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Boo,

I'd like to echo therising's comments. Your post shows to me that you have insight into your situation, you desire to move on from where you have been, you are seeking help from your friend and by communicating. here

That all takes determination, desire and strength. So I congratulate you! Admitting you have had a set back and trying to work out your triggers is a huge benefit as well.

I acknowledge your disappointment, frustration, and anger that you are feeling right now. You have not failed! You are not useless. You are experiencing a part of life that you don't like. Because you are willing to make the changes required to move ahead this set back feels overwhelming for you I am assuming.

If you can see this as a set back, not a disaster, as an opportunity to reflect on how to move forward and also accept life can be difficult at times, you will find a way out.

I have days too where I struggle to make sense of the thoughts in my mind.

I hope you are able to see just how brave and strong you are in all of this. Thinking of you and hoping you find some comfort in knowing others care for you and understand what you are experiencing, our journeys may be different but the acknowledgement that days can be tough is there.

Best wishes from Dools

[therising]

Hi Boo

I've been thinking of to what I might say, in me wanting to make a difference to you. I thought about my own years in depression and felt compelled to convey to you one of the greatest revelations that occurred to me after I came out of it...

I believe, it's not often we seriously consider the conditions under which we may have been living life. While, if we're lucky, we typically spend the first 3 or 4 years of our life being who we naturally are

• questioning just about everything
• being intolerant of unreasonable people including adults who refuse to give us reasons for things (aka 'Just do as you're told!')
• seeking excitement and adventure
• never questioning our self, preceding the years of standing in front of a mirror picking apart everything that is 'wrong' with us. For goodness sake, back then we didn't even care whether we went out in public dressed as a fairly or a superhero

Gradually, that natural child in us is conditioned to appear a certain way, behave a certain way, stop questioning so much and accept the unreasonable nature of others We are even conditioned to stop being so excited and emotional, to stop screaming, crying, speaking our mind etc.

Boo, at 50, it's taken this long for me to begin returning to my natural self. By the way, I'm still learning. I have managed to develop the wonder of a child, in a moment when it comes to those closest to me not being sensitive enough to see that I'm down (as an example). In the past I may have thought 'What's wrong with me, why does no one care?', now, I wonder out loud, 'Why can't you see how challenged I am? Why are you so insensitive?'

Wonder presents many opportunities for greater self understanding. When I read your post, I could not help but wonder why I used to self harm. I realise now, I believe it was simply to feel. Sometimes, to feel any form of excitement or difference is better than feeling nothing. Wondering if you can relate.

To feel difference is a powerful thing, especially in depression. To feel someone raising you, to greater self understanding and/or excitement, is a great feeling. I've come to realise, we connect to life through our 'feelings'. Our feelings become our compass in a way, even the 'bad' feelings, which call for positive change.

To let go of our conditioned self in favour of feeling our way back to being our natural self is a rewarding quest. Often, such a quest begins with the statement 'I don't know who I am anymore'. The time to find out begins.

🙂