Trigger warning- Confusing feelings

bettertomorrows · ‎12-11-2020

Hello there 🙂

I'm just feeling a little confused at the moment working through many thoughts and feelings and wanted to hear some thoughts and opinions. Before I start, I just want to say that I'm safe. I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow, I've spoken to a crisis team last week and a friend is holding on to anything that might be unsafe for me.

I've been flicking between suicidal feelings for awhile now, some days are good and some days not so. On the good days, I feel that I don't want to cause pain to my friends and family, and that no explanation will really be enough. On the bad days, I feel really bad about myself - I feel like i'm just really weak being like this. I feel tired fighting these thoughts, and I'm scared that even if I get through this now, these feelings will come back somewhere later in life. These thoughts do make me want to end it all, but I don't. Just want to throw it out there again that I'm safe. Is it normal to have these conflicting feelings of wanting to end it, and wanting to push through and stay??

I feel tired after talking to my counsellor or crisis team, and I feel anxious thinking about having to speak with them or anybody who asks me if I'm okay. I feel the need to reassure people that I'm okay, even if I'm not. I find it difficult to ask for help, or to talk about how I am feeling. Is this normal? I've been struggling with self-harm too, but I feel the need to lie to my counsellor/friend that I have been self-harm-free even if I haven't. I'm not sure why, if it's shame/guilt or the need to pretend to be okay. I'm a little bit worried of what might happen too - is there a chance I might be placed into a mental health facility if that's what it's called?

I'm really tired of feeling this way, I feel pretty messed up and rough about myself. I'm not sure if I will ever be my usual self again. Right now I'm just trying really hard to be present and stick around.

Thanks in advance.

Boo

Sophie_M · ‎12-11-2020

Hi bettertomorrow or Boo (depending on what you prefer), thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like there so much on your mind and as you mentioned, some of these thoughts can be pretty confusing and intense at times.

We're so glad you're safe at the moment. If this changes at anytime, please do not hesitate to contact LifeLine (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Although it may be hard to share with others that you are not okay at times, we hope that you keep trying to have these difficult conversations. Please know that it is okay not to feel okay all the time.

We hope you find some comfort and support here on the forums. Feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Aaronsis · ‎13-11-2020

Hi Boo

I just replied to you on my thread that you so bravely contributed to about self harm, so thank you for that, and thank you for sharing about how you are feeling and about your story.

I am so happy to hear you have your appointment today with the a counsellor, I wanted to put something to you and that is that they can only help you with the information that you share. While it will be so very hard to get everything out, to be vulnerable and to be exposed if you like, just remember that is the very reason that you are going, to get help, to smash these thoughts out into the ball park and to get back a happy life that you so very much deserve.

If it does help you can even show him/her this very post you have written here, that saves you the heartache of trying to talk it out, they can simply read it and get a very very good understanding of how you are feeling and some of what you are going through, and then start the conversation with you.

You are able to articulate very well how you are feeling as I can see here so in saying that it would be a shame not to give this counselling every best shot you have and to get to the bottom of how things are for you.

So welcome and thank you for reaching out to us and I hope to chat to you some more. I wish you strength for your appointment today. YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Hugs

Sarah

bettertomorrows · ‎15-11-2020

Hi Sarah and Sophie,

I hope you both are going well 🙂

Thank you for being so warm and welcoming. It can be hard to talk about how I'm feeling and I'm grateful for the safe space and caring community here. The counselling appointment went well I think, it didn't feel as hard after the appointment as it did the first time. I was able to mention that sometimes suicide is still a lingering thought at the back of my mind and that self-harm sometimes seems very tempting still. My counsellor and I have worked on a safety plan and an emergency box (which were more like items to help me practise mindfulness) which have no doubt been really great alternative methods for dealing with difficult emotions. However, lately, I've been feeling a little bit numb and have been self-harming again (nothing serious, I'm safe). I sometimes wonder whether I want to "get better" if that's an appropriate term. In some ways, self-harming has been comforting to the distressing/confusing feelings and the emptiness I feel. I know that self-harming is concerning because it's an unhealthy way of coping and there's always a risk that the injury may be too serious, but I'm feeling difficult to acknowledge that as I feel safe with what I'm doing.

Boo

Sophie_M · ‎15-11-2020

Hey Boo,

Thank you so much for keeping us updated on how your appointment went. It's great to hear that you were able to open about about these thoughts and feelings, and worked on a safety plan and emergency box to help you during your really low moments. If you feel comfortable, you're welcome to share some of the mindfulness alternatives you've found helpful in dealing with difficult emotions when they arise? We can hear that you're feeling concerned about these urges to self-harm that have started again, and please know that extra support is always available to you if you'd like to talk things through between appointments.

As well as Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), the kind counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) is also available to you anytime, day or night, whenever these feelings become really overwhelming. Please do feel free to use these services as often as you need when these urges are difficult to fight.

We're so glad to hear that you're finding these forums to be a safe and warm space, and we are really grateful to have you as part of our community. We hope that you keep reaching out here whenever you feel able to- we're all here for you.

bettertomorrows · ‎15-11-2020

Hi Sophie and friends,

Some things that helped me previously are drawing flowers, doing multiplications tables and writing out my feelings. Mindfulness isn't something that has helped me very much but my counsellor told me to keep practising at it. My emergency bag has some items that have lots of sensory stimulus, things like a lip balm that smells nice, a scrunchie my friends gave me for my birthday, a dream catcher from another friend etc.

Things have been a little difficult at the moment. I made a friend upset when I asked for an implement that could be used to self harm (she still has it now, I'm safe don't worry). I know it comes from a place of worry for me and concern about my wellbeing and being stressed about it, but I also feel really bad for putting her in this position. I'm fighting really hard against the feelings that I'm a burden to others. I think it also comes from a place where previously when contemplating suicide, I knew that I'd make those who care about me upset if I suicided, but also they'd be upset to know I was struggling.

I feel like the only option for me is to get better, feel better, be myself again, because my friend said that me pretending to be okay and me hiding my self-harming and my thoughts isn't going to help me, and I know it's also going to make her feel worse too.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused at the moment with all these feelings. Wanted to let you know I'll be okay and I'm safe, but this is just where I'm at right now.

I'm sorry if this is a lot to hear for you too

Boo

Sophie_M · ‎15-11-2020

Hi Boo,

Thank you so much for confirming your safety with us. We are really grateful for this on the forums. We're sorry to hear that you've been having some overwhelming and confusing feelings. We understand that this is a lot to be trying to cope with, and we appreciate your openness here.

You might be interested in our page on "Self harm and self injury" for some management tips - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur...

It sounds like you've found a lot helpful activities, and the emergency bag sounds fantastic. What a great idea for the community reading to learn from. Moving towards a place where you're feeling better can be quite a journey, not always linear, but it sounds like you're doing the best you can and we think that you're really strong.

Ggrand · ‎15-11-2020

Hello Boo...

I also have a little grounding box..full of my favourite things..it really does help..I change the contents of mine after I have needed to use it...so next time I have different things to use....

What a beautiful and very intelligent person your friend is....with the words they spoke to you about hiding your feelings and thoughts...Reaching out to your friends for help..is well another reason they are your friends...they care about you and your well-being....

I like the option your looking at..getting better, feeling better and being yourself...I am so proud of you for taking this option....It’s a long journey and one worth travelling ...We will be here to help guide you and support you no matter how long it takes for you....It doesn’t matter how many time we fall down...as long as we get up after fall...

In a way Boo..while your drawing flowers, or multiplication tables...even writing in your journal...is a type of mindfulness, because while doing those things..you are living in the moment and only thinking about what your doing at that time....Well done...mindfulness is different for each of us...

As our lovely Sophie has said...You are doing the best you can...and that’s all we can do...

Talk anytime you feel up to it...we are here for you when we can be..

My kindest and most caring thoughts Boo..

Grandy..

bettertomorrows · ‎23-11-2020

Thank you Grandy and Sophie. Your kind words and thoughts are always very encouraging. Good idea Grandy, I should change up what's in my emergency bag from time to time too.

I'm not feeling really great today...I've relapsed in self-harming (I'm safe) and the little bad thoughts are popping back into my head again. I've been doing mindfulness (really starting to enjoy colouring and sewing and sudoku puzzles) but I've been feeling a little numb. Bad thoughts about myself too, especially knowing that my friend is trying so hard to keep me safe, and you guys are here supporting me, and my counsellor too, but just feeling I'm letting everyone down.

I'm having an appointment with my counsellor again this week which is making me slightly anxious. I know Aaronsis has mentioned the value of being honest with my counsellor, but I'm worried what they'll think of me. I'm worried about having to speak to a crisis team again, and I'm worried to talk about my thoughts of suicide (don't worry I'm safe now, not planning to act on these thoughts). I've been really anxious about my future (or what I don't see for myself for the future) and I get caught up in this huge mess of thoughts of why I'm feeling this way, why others seem to cope better (even if they have it worse) and just feeling so awful about myself.

I'm safe, don't worry. Just feeling a little overwhelmed and alone, I don't know who to talk to and I don't want to burden others.

Sophie_M · ‎23-11-2020

Hi Boo, thank you for reaching out tonight and sharing what you are going through. We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling with unhelpful thoughts and that you have relapsed in self-harm. That’s very difficult to be going through. We are very glad that you are safe so thank you for confirming that. Some days are extra hard and negative thoughts seem to be more stubbornly lodged in our consciousness. It’s not always easy to shift this. While it may seem others can cope better, the fact is everyone is on a journey and has to overcome something challenging. You are very strong and brave and we urge you to look at all the wonderful, positive things about yourself and your own journey.

We want you to know that you are not alone and there is help available. It’s great you are seeing your counsellor this week. We agree that being honest about what you are feeling would the best thing for yourself, even if it seems really difficult. Healing journeys are not linear and you will not be judged negatively so please do think about having a frank chat with your counsellor about what you are struggling with. Remember, it is perfectly okay to not feel okay all the time.

While you are waiting to see your counsellor, you are very welcome to contact our Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636. You are not a burden and we would love to support you. You can also contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please do keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. We are here for you.