Possessed/Compulsive Disorder?

[GoldenSerpent]

I’m new here, I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this? I feel like I'm possessed by spirits. It all started about 5 years ago, when things started to go wrong in my life and long term partners. My partner got a disease that can’t be cured and I hurt my lower and upper back at work, loosing my job after two years of rehab and not getting better. Around that same time, my only friend who I had so much in common with, took his life without much warning, other than telling me he thought he was possessed and saw a Catholic priest, then felt better. Due to our conditions, our sex life was put on hold, so I turned to porn for a short term support. As things were not sort term, I came to depend on porn, which became an addiction. My partner moved to another room to sleep, because we where keeping each other awake. My partner told me last year that she can no longer have sex with me ever again due to her illness. My addiction then turned into an obsession and started to take over other areas in my life, where all the things I enjoyed doing were replaced. Now I have given myself over to it completely, it controls me, I can’t say no, I can’t help myself, i’m now compelled, driven. Every day I spend at the lest 8 hours, at the most 17 hours in a 24 hour period watching porn, I can’t stop and it is increasing. My mind has been re-programmed through my eyes, this happened before the possession stage. I now cry a lot, don’t leave the house unless I have to, I’m isolated, I feel helpless, I have no friends, no Job, on depression and anxiety meds and think about suicide weekly. A year ago I started smoking cannabis and now between that and porn, is really all I do each day. My music taste, personality and looks have changed, I’m sad all the time and see no way out of my situation at all. I see my sexual behaviour increasing. My partner says I call out sometimes at night in a language she can’t understand, my dreams are all sexual. I have started going to strip clubs and a prostitute once this year, I have been looking for fetish clubs, swingers groups, nudist groups, online sex, webcams, can’t help it. I feel so lonely all the time and wish I had other people to talk to who can relate to what I’m going through. I need some serious help and support, without being judged.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to our friendly online community, GoldenSerpent, we are really grateful that you have been so open and honest with your feelings, as we know it can be such a difficult first step to take. We are so sorry to hear what you're going through right now, and can hear the pain you must be feeling with having these overwhelming thoughts, including struggling with suicidal thoughts. We understand that this must be especially difficult when you feel you can't open up to anyone about what you're going through, but please know that this a safe and non-judgemental space for you, and our community are here to help support you. We are also currently checking in with you via email to offer some additional support through this.

We think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it. We recognise that this must be an overwhelming situation for you, but please know that support is always available, and we'd really urge you to reach out and continue showing your strength.

Our Support Service is always here for you to talk these feelings through on 1300 22 4636, or also through webchat (1pm-12am AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport The friendly counsellors can offer support and advice, as well as referrals for helpful services around your area. Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), are also available to you anytime, day or night, whenever these feelings are becoming too much to cope with- you never have to go through this on your own.

We hope that you can find some comfort here in the forums, and please feel free to continue updating us here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel ready to. We're all here to help support you through this.