Trigger warning- Confusing feelings

[bettertomorrows]

Hello there 🙂

I'm just feeling a little confused at the moment working through many thoughts and feelings and wanted to hear some thoughts and opinions. Before I start, I just want to say that I'm safe. I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow, I've spoken to a crisis team last week and a friend is holding on to anything that might be unsafe for me.

I've been flicking between suicidal feelings for awhile now, some days are good and some days not so. On the good days, I feel that I don't want to cause pain to my friends and family, and that no explanation will really be enough. On the bad days, I feel really bad about myself - I feel like i'm just really weak being like this. I feel tired fighting these thoughts, and I'm scared that even if I get through this now, these feelings will come back somewhere later in life. These thoughts do make me want to end it all, but I don't. Just want to throw it out there again that I'm safe. Is it normal to have these conflicting feelings of wanting to end it, and wanting to push through and stay??

I feel tired after talking to my counsellor or crisis team, and I feel anxious thinking about having to speak with them or anybody who asks me if I'm okay. I feel the need to reassure people that I'm okay, even if I'm not. I find it difficult to ask for help, or to talk about how I am feeling. Is this normal? I've been struggling with self-harm too, but I feel the need to lie to my counsellor/friend that I have been self-harm-free even if I haven't. I'm not sure why, if it's shame/guilt or the need to pretend to be okay. I'm a little bit worried of what might happen too - is there a chance I might be placed into a mental health facility if that's what it's called?

I'm really tired of feeling this way, I feel pretty messed up and rough about myself. I'm not sure if I will ever be my usual self again. Right now I'm just trying really hard to be present and stick around.

Thanks in advance.

Boo

[bettertomorrows]

Hi everyone,

thank you for your kind words and advice. It's been a long road since my first relapse, and I think things are finally getting better. There have been ups and downs and days where I feel like I'm back to square one, but I know that I probably am not. Lately, I have been able to think about and talk about a future I am in which is something that I was not able to do for a long time. The urge to self-harm have also lessened alot. Things getting better have been a little anxiety-inducing as I wonder when things will get worse again, and I wonder if I'm just numbing how I feel.But I will think simply and just accept the happy and peaceful days that I am having.

Dools, your kind words moved me to tears because I definitely did not think I was determined and strong but thank you so much for affirming what I cannot see in myself.

therising, thank you for your hugs and love. I felt it very much when you shared about your reasons for self-harming, the desire to feel something different from the numbness or the inner turmoil. I have been questioning a lot now about everything, so hopefully I am on the right track to finding peace with myself.

Thank you everyone, you guys have been such wonderful companions on this challenging journey.

[therising]

Hi bettertomorrows

I'm so glad to hear you are sensing a difference in your life. Yes, life is definitely a roller coaster ride, that's for sure. Just when you think you're up, bamm, some challenge comes into play, leading you to think 'I knew this would happen', that perceived downward shift and all the emotions and self doubt that comes with it. I know this sounds a bit negative, so I'd like to elaborate, so as to keep you on that high...

Since having left depression behind me some years ago, I still face the challenge of managing not going back in. There have been some close calls on occasion, which have left me feeling scared and seriously unsure of myself. In a nutshell, when each challenge is met (which leads me to a greater degree of self understanding) I feel like a slightly different person, greater than the person I was before the challenge. Some challenges are tough and can take weeks to work out, what they're exactly about and some are simple, taking me less than a day. Then there are the enormous ones, which can be more about letting go of the poop we've been carrying for years. Whenever I feel that perceived downshift on life's roller coaster ride, you can be sure there's a challenge at play. The question becomes 'What is it?' So, instead of remaining in the habit of asking 'What's wrong with me?', I've graduated to asking 'What's wrong with this situation? What's wrong with my perception; why can't I recognise the challenge here?' In a way, I manage staying out of depression through how I question myself. There are a lot more questions, in some cases. Basically, making our way through a challenge is going to involve asking a lot of question, especially when we're being asked to let go of stuff that prevents us from moving forward. If someone was to ask me 'How many times have you let go of poop of some nature?', my answer would be 'My goodness, more times than I could count. It's almost becoming a (good) habit'. It's incredible how much baggage we can be carrying, not realising until the load starts to become lighter.

I hope it helps to know that I use 'detachment' as a form of positive management. Some challenges and people can be so exhausting to the point of emotional numbness. I find, in these moments, I've come to say to myself 'You're drained. You need to detach and recharge'. Mind you, detachment does tend to trigger others at times. People typically don't like it when you detach from them. Recharging is so, so, so important.

🙂

[bettertomorrows]

Hello dear friends,

I was feeling really low again lately and came back to this post and re-read your replies which have left me feeling a little warmer inside. It's been a long time since my first relapse, with things seemingly getting better, but now again, not so.

It was confronting giving my self-harming implement to a friend to safekeep yesterday, thereby in essence exposing that I have not actually been getting better. Things have been really stressful and I'm really, really tired. I don't mean to sound despondent, but I feel really hard to be excited over anything in the future. There are good things on the horizon at the moment - turning 21 next month, graduation next year, a potential scholarship offer and a budding romantic relationship. There are many things that I am grateful for too - good friends and family and people who care, but whom I've also distanced myself a little from, and awesome coworkers. In spite of all that, I feel really empty and lonely inside. I think I'm a lot more sad than I let on and it's really difficult to confront and talk about everything that's going on when I don't even understand.

I just wanted to throw this on here because I don't know what else to do, and this always seems like a great place to start. Just want to add a disclaimer too that I'm safe and okay at least for awhile.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Boo,

We are so grateful that you have posted to the community here tonight, as we know it can be a really tough thing to do when you're feeling so low. It sounds like you took a really big and important step in reaching out to your friend yesterday, but we can hear that things have been feeling really tiring and exhausting for you. Please know that this is a safe space for you to express your thoughts and feelings, and our community is here to offer their caring support and advice during this difficult time. You never have to go through this alone.

We'd also encourage you to reach out to the kind counsellors at our Support Service, who are always here for you to talk these feelings through on 1300 22 4636, as well as through webchat (1pm-midnight AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport Please also know that our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are available anytime- night or day- whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

We hope that our community can be of some comfort to you, and please always feel welcome to keep updating us on how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[therising]

Hi bettertomorrows

It's easy to get a sense of your fatigue and disappointment through your words as you express yourself so clearly with such feeling. I feel for you so much.

May sound strange but I'm wondering if you can spot your guides in life. From my experience, it can be almost impossible to spot them while we're in a depression. I'm wondering whether that friend of yours who you gave the self harming implement to is one of your guides. Does he/she guide you or try to inspire you in ways that other don't? Is he/she about the only one who makes some difference in your life? If it's of any help, I'll share with you some guide spotting strategies I've found helpful over the years:

A true guide will

• Have reasonably good instincts/intuition
• Will motivate you to pursue what naturally inspires you in some way. They won't poo poo what most might label 'weird' or 'stupid'
• They'll lead you to trust your instincts more
• They'll lead you to get more in touch with your feelings. If you have anyone in your life who uses the word 'feel' a lot, chances are this is one of your 'go to' people. They might say things like 'How are you feeling?', 'I feel you'd benefit from going to the GP for blood tests', 'I feel that person is bringing you down' and so on. They'll use the word 'feel' more than they'll use the word 'think' (I think that person's bringing you down)
• They'll challenge you to open your mind and even encourage you to constructively analyse your thoughts
• They'll be more sensitive than most around them. They'll typically be able to get a sense of how you're feeling at any time

Our guides in life are not the people who lead us to feel down and are not the people who leave us vibing in depression. It can take some people years to come across that person or those people who make a difference. A good guide may even be a GP who will explore every possible reason for extreme fatigue. He/she won't give up until they've found the cause. Whether that cause is mental or physical or both combined, they're like a medical detective. A GP such as this would never consider leaving someone on an antidepressant which is messing with their energy levels or having no impact on their perception. They're too smart for that.

It can be impossible to feel our feelings when we don't have the energy to feel them. A lack of energy can often lead me to 'I think my sense of feeling life is broken'. This can happen when I'm around exhausting or uninspiring people.

🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Boo,

Sorry to read you are struggling at the moment. It is wonderful you were able to reach out to your friend and that you feel comfortable doing so here. This is certainly a safe place to share how you are feeling.

Sounds like you have lots of wonderful experiences coming up and a new relationship as well.

It is tough when negativity steps in and we don't know how to deal with it effectively. I have found using the phone support services helps me at times, as does writing down the issues, going for long walks and trying to write down what I am thankful at the end of each day.

Really hope you find something that will help you accept the negative thoughts and move on from them and through them.

I need to remind myself that the awful stuff does not hang around for ever unless I invite it to stay!

Cheers to you from Dools

[bettertomorrows]

Thank you Sophie, therising and Doolhof for responding.

therising, yes, I think they are one of the guides in my life that you mentioned. I find it really hard to talk to anyone about how I have been feeling but I do want to share with them. I just find it so incredibly hard to find the right time to talk and to say the right words, I don't want to burden them telling them all these things and I don't want them to feel like they didn't do enough as a friend that I have relapsed or that I have suicidal thoughts from time to time. I really like how you said it's impossible to feel our feelings when we don't have energy to...

Doolhof, thank you for sharing this 'I need to remind myself that the awful stuff does not hang around for ever unless I invite it to stay!' I really felt that, together with what therising said about 'vibing in depression' I think they really go hand in hand..

Sometimes, like tonight, I feel like things have been going well and just as I catch my breath, I wonder when the blow will come. That is when panic sets in, and the urge to self-harm. I don't really know what I'm feeling anymore half the time and everyday is just so tiring. Nothing really feels right and I don't know what to do. I don't really know why I came on here tonight, I guess just to share how I am feeling. Even as i write there's a nagging thought at the back of my head that really no one cares. Sometimes like now I feel okay and then the low hits real hard afterwards.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bettertomorrows,
 
We're glad that you reached out tonight even though you can be unsure as to why or if anyone cares. We can assure you that we do care and we feel like the support the community has provided you over the last weeks and months really reflects that. What strategies have worked before when you feel like this?  

It can be tough when we have moments where we are feeling so good and then things seem to spiral into old patterns with our anxiety. It can be important to remind ourselves that often this is just that…anxiety. That our anxiety often doesn’t reflect what is real. It’s okay to not feel okay sometimes and just sitting with that feeling, allowing it to pass instead of grabbing onto it and trying to analyse it.
 
We just want to remind you of some of the supports we have share before in case you need someone to talk to tonight and we will check in on you privately to make sure you are safe. If you feel you need to talk, we encourage you to call our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14, or ourselves on 1300 22 4636.
 

[therising]

Hi bettertomorrows

I'm so glad you do come here when you feel the need. It doesn't necessarily matter about the why factor.

While it's far easier now to more objectively make sense of my years in depression, during those years it felt impossible to make sense of a lot. One example: LOVE. Being a mind/body/spirit gal, I'd say my mental definition of love was way off. Body wise, I imagine my oxytocin levels were off too. Oxytocin is the love or bonding hormone we can feel. I wasn't naturally being loved back to life the way I needed to be. I truly believe one of the most powerful ways to love a person to life involves reminding them of their 'compass'.

Imagine someone said to you 'You have this incredible compass in your pocket'. You may insist 'No I don't. What are you talking about?' Imagine they said 'It's always been there. You used to use it when you were little. You used to rely on it to help you seek the feeling of excitement. It would direct you to the most exciting people. You used it to direct you into the arms of the right person, parent or perhaps teddy bear when you wished to feel the feelings that come with a sense of security. It used to direct you to paper and textas when you wished to feel and connect with creativity'. The list goes on. You used it all the time until you were told to 'Put it in your pocket' in a variety of ways. Eventually, you forgot it was there and life just felt 'wrong' and you never could put your finger on why.

I'm wondering if you naturally feel drawn to people who invite you to express and explore your feelings more. Do you naturally feel distance from anyone who does the opposite? Do you feel super distanced from anyone who says stuff like 'You're too sensitive. You need to just get on with life'? Would you say you can naturally sense closeness and distance regarding the people in your life? Do you naturally feel drawn to wanting to feel more and think less? If this is the case, could you then say 'I'm a natural who is surrounded by people who don't get me and if they don't get me they can't guide me'. That nagging thought 'People don't care', could it be they don't care about the compass factor, inviting you to freely express and explore your feelings (a form of self understanding)? Could this be what you're sensing, a lack of inspiration and guidance?

Your compass is working beautifully, if you're feeling the need to come here. You're in touch with your intuition.

You're such a natural person. Embrace this 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi bettertomorrows,

I want to thank you for openly sharing how you are feeling. It makes me realise others feel similar to me, that struggles are real and they can be overcome.

Sophie wrote : It can be important to remind ourselves that often this is just that…anxiety. That our anxiety often doesn’t reflect what is real. It’s okay to not feel okay sometimes and just sitting with that feeling, allowing it to pass instead of grabbing onto it and trying to analyse it.

I know this statement is truth, when my mind is in a dark place, it is really hard to comprehend, to hold on to and to believe this statement is true. I am trying really hard to not battle with the negatives!

I have never been in quicksand but it seems the more you struggle when you are in it, the worse your situation becomes. Mental health issues can be like that! Yesterday I tried to sit in my foul depressing mood, to accept it was there and not try hard to fight it and demand my brain put on a brave face and get over it.

Slowly my day improved a little and it didn't feel like such a struggle. It can be hard work. I hope you are able to find ways to get through your days in a more pleasant way.

Wishing you well on your journey, cheers from Dools