Too much pain

[yggdrasil]

Hi just a heads up first that I am safe and in control so no need to worry there. I just wanted to post here because things are really bad for me right now. I have attempted suicide twice over the last 10 years, with both attemps resulting in psych hospital stays. Over the last six months my life has fallen apart again and I'm just finding the pain unbearable. I lost my former step father to suicide last week, and am worried about my half siblings. I've also had a recent breakup and problems with my PhD. I've been able to cope better with the challenges of the last year better than in the past, in that I haven't attempted suicide and do not want to, but the pain has just been so relentless that I often wish I could end my life just to escape it. I just had a chat with my psych and now feel past the worst of it that made me start typing this post a few hours ago, but the pain remains. I'm going skating now as I find that usually helps a bit. I just have to find the strength to stand up and get out of the car. Thanks for reading and I hope you're all managing ok yourselves.

[smallwolf]

Read your story here and just wanted to share a couple of my thoughts/experiences...

1. I would always wonder if/when I would get better. That day was never coming. My psychologist had previously suggested or compared it to a journey to the top of the mountain. But then the said that (for me) sometimes we have to walk through a valley to find a better path to the top. Slow and steady as long as we are moving forward. (Sometimes when I go into the valley, I also (metaphorically) down into a tunnel as well.
2. In my last session I commented that mindfulness type distraction was not good for me unless I was listening to someone and the ones in my apps were too short - time wise. This is something we are going to work on in the next session.
3. If you listened to me talking with my psychologist I have on many occasions my thought are irrational - that something sooo minor... I have the ability to turn it into something must worse than needs to be. At the same time I know where these thoughts have originated and at the time the emotional pain is real.

I recognise for myself that healing takes time. Reminding myself there is an endpoint to the valley at which point I will go upwards again. A constant or continual work in progress.

[therising]

Hi yggdrasil

I'm wondering whether grounding exercises can take you out of thinking so much. They'd be more like 'feeling' exercises than thinking ones. Give you a few examples when it comes to feeling a connection to experiences:

• How do you feel when you smell hints of a freshly mowed lawn? What about the smell of rain hitting the ground on a hot summer's day? Perhaps you love the smell of a freshly cut lemon or lime. You could say this is a kind of aroma therapy of sorts. You don't have to buy multiple bottles of essential oils to feel different calming or exciting physical emotion. I actually bought a bottle of star anise from the herbs and spice section of the supermarket, to keep in the kitchen because it gives me a kick and can take me out of thinking. I love the smell of it
• How do you feel when you encounter the sense of touch? A massage is a whole different experience when you are observing the sensations of your body. To feel a twitch in your foot or even a little buzzing in your feet when your shoulders are being massaged can raise one's curiosity when it comes to how interconnected all the systems and cells are in the body. To be the observer of self in this way, during a massage, is a unique experience. A 100% feeling experience leaves no room for thinking
• How do you feel when you listen to different forms of music? Does some music take your breath away, whereas other forms of music leave you feeling seriously agitated? When you connect to high vibey music, do you turn up the volume to find that this turns up the volume on your excitement levels? Experimenting with music can be like experimenting with coming to feel a variety of emotion

While we're in the thinking brain, we're often detached from feeling the connection to life around us. If we're sensitive enough to feel mental stress or sadness, often we are sensitive enough to feel emotion through our senses (taste, touch, sound, sight, smell). When you consider this, it puts a whole new spin on being 'an emotion eater' (what we feel through our sense of taste).

Sound, mmmm. I believe one of the most peacefully exciting sounds on the planet is rain falling on a tin roof, while you're drifting off to sleep. Just thinking about it leaves me longing for the experience.

What do you love?

🙂

[bettertomorrows]

Hi yggdrasil,

My counsellor recently shared this technique with me, I am wondering if you might find it helpful and it builds on therising's insight about feeling.

• Try and sit down comfortably and close your eyes slowly.
• How are you feeling?
• Which part of your body are you feeling this emotion (Is it over your head? In the middle of your chest?)
• Can you visualise how big it is? (The size of a tennis ball? A basket ball?)
• What shape is it?
• What colour is it?
• Is it moving and how is it moving?

For me, i have found that this helps me to get through the moment of feeling the emotion without numbing it away. It's okay to not be able to think sometimes, to just sit with your emotions, and to feel. I'm happy for you that you are enjoying your new work, and want to affirm you that it's okay to have bad days 🙂

Take care yggdrasil and let us know how you're going when you feel up to it.

Boo

[yggdrasil]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I came back on hear to day to talk about how bad it's been over the last few days. I hung out with my half siblings on sat night and my half-sister was telling me just how totally shattered she is by her dad's suicide, and how this is the last straw for her, all the sagas of our family, this is just the last one and it's too much for her. It's too much for me as well. First my sister was sick, hospitalised over 30 times for eating disorders, then hard drugs etc, then my mum was really sick, putting herself in hospital frequently for suicide attempts/cries-for help/addiction etc, then my step dad (the one who has recently committed suicide) becoming a drug addict and getting schitzofrenia and having a spell in jail, then me getting unwell and having some time in hospitals etc, now the step dad committing suicide. It's just all too much. I can't bare it. I just want it to end. I try going for walks etc. I'm trying to let the emotions settle with some of the exercises you guys mentioned above and it helps a bit. I've tried to keep fighting but I'm just done I can't bear it anymore. I'm seeing my doctor tonight and hopefully we can try some new meds or stronger meds or something. I just wish it would end. I feel humiliated by how my former colleagues now see me and treat me. It's like I'm a freak. The PhD world is so viciously competitive, everyone attacking and undermining each other. I feel like our whole family just has bad genetics or something and there's nothing to be done. It just all hurts way too much. I'm sorry for just unloading but I don't know what to do I feel so lost and hurt.

[Sophie_M]

Dear yggdrasil,

We're so sorry to hear how exhausted you are right now. We are glad to you are seeing your doctor tonight and hope that helps.

Please keep checking in here and letting us know how you are getting on whenever you feel up to it. We're here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need.

If you need more immediate support than our wonderful, caring online forums community can provide, please do not hesitate to contact our Support Service day or night on 1300 22 4636.

[james1]

Hello yggdrasil,

I haven't spoken to yet but I just wanted to pop by because I read your post and your thread, and it sounds like you are really overwhelmed. I can understand why you feel like it's too much for you as well.

There has been so much going on, and I hope the doctor visit went well. Let us know how you are going tomorrow, or when you feel up to it.

James

[smallwolf]

just a couple or few comments ...

from reading what you have been going through you are certainly not a freak. I would say they do not have a understanding of what you have gone through or how stressful they can be.

also keep in mind that what happened with your step father is only recent. How individuals cope with the (sudden) loss of a parent is unique. Whether it takes a week, month or year to come to terms with what has happened is your journey and is OK. If you need to vent about your thoughts or how you feel, whether here or with a professional is OK.

If I could offer one bit of advice and only from my experience... be kind to yourself and know that keeping the pain inside is not helpful - an by writing a journal, or talking to someone, etc. you can find a way of moving forward.

Tim

[therising]

Hi yggdrasil

The chemistry of depression is such a truly horrible torturous thing. It's hard for a lot of people to relate to unless they've experienced it. I relate it to being like someone's given you a chemical cocktail and said 'Drink this'. You drink it and then find much in life is impossible to relate to, there is no happiness to be experienced, hope no longer exists and love...what is love now, so unfamiliar and nothing more than a concept, experienced by others. The list goes on when it comes to the effects of this cocktail.

Seeing someone to change the meds sounds like the way to go at the moment. Sometimes chemical changes in the form of meds are the best call, in order to gain a greater foothold in life.

It is incredible how much chemistry plays such a big part in depression. While I have a library of self help books acquired throughout my years in depression, none of them made a difference. It was like reading all about what would work for others and not me. Each one offered hope in the beginning but by the end of each one, nothing had changed. After coming out of my 15 or so years in depression, I gave a handful of them a re-read. It was bizarre, it was like (with each one) I was reading a different book. I knew where the author was coming from and could fully relate. Chemistry is a powerful thing in the way of how it shapes our perspective.

I believe, those who see people who battle depression as weak are rather deluded and misinformed. In my opinion, those who face the sometimes overwhelming battle to simply stay alive from day to day are the strongest people on the planet. it is an unfathomable battle, fought with great determination and little hope. Those who bestow the label of 'weak' have never faced a challenge so great.

I listen to what you say about the PhD world and it leads me to think of those in the world who have given up just about everything in the search to find what truly makes them happy. You know those stories you hear about guys who make millions a year as a CEO, living it up in luxury. To the dismay of all around them who call them crazy, they give it up, fly to a 3rd world country to live and announce they have found what life is really about. They sacrificed their (false) self in order to find their (true) self.

Strange question but can you imagine who you would become, if you gave up just about everything today? What kind of people would you begin to surround yourself with?

🙂

[yggdrasil]

Hi - I just felt a need to share some stuff on here and I'm sorry to do it on Christmas day. I hope everyone is having a good Christmas, but I know how hard Christmas is for a lot of people with depression and other mental health issues. In some ways this year has been much, much better than previous years for my family (which usually involved driving my mum to hospital or riding with her in an ambulance.) Mum and my siblings had a Christmas dinner a few nights ago that was really, really nice. However, yesterday (Christmas Eve) I got news that one of my friends had died from drugs (potentially suicide). So this year that's two friends and my former step dad who have died - two a definite suicide, and the other likely. I wasn't super close with any of them, but it's just left me reeling none the less, along with everything else that's happened this year. I worked this afternoon and that went really well, and I'm proud of myself for getting out there and exploring new jobs after my PhD collapsed. I've also started dating someone who I really like. However, I'm still in massive pain a lot (such as the last two days.) I can generally hide it at work and function well, but I don't think I'll be able to hide it from the person I've just started seeing. My doctor decided we should up my meds and that seems to have helped somewhat, but it's still very, very hard to endure. The freind who died a couple days ago - his Dad also died from suicide. It's so hard to accept the intergenerational trauma and suffering involved with all this mental health stuff. I don't know if it's genetic or just the trauma or what. It's just so tragic. The friend who died Wednesday was the nicest, funniest, wittiest guy - loved by everyone. His life just fell apart in his early 20s when his Dad commit suicide. I just wish depression and this stuff didn't exist. It's all just too horrible. Thank you again for letting me share on here. I'm very grateful for this forum. Thank you again BeyondBlue and all the forum members.

[Sophie_M]

Hi yggdrasil,

We are so sorry to hear about your friend's passing, and want to acknowledge how it is not just the loss of your friend that's hit so hard, but also the cumulative trauma and pain from the loss of other loved ones and your own struggles with mental health, as well.

We're glad that you've decided to reach out today and hope that you can keep checking in with us throughout your journey. Like you said, depression and bereavement are such intensely difficult things to endure, and during these times we all deserve support. We think it also shows a lot of strength on your part that in your past, you've also recognised some positives that you've achieved in your life, like the Christmas dinner and exploring new jobs.

Please take care yggdrasil, and be gentle with yourself tonight.