Told my psychiatrist finally

[Jacqui51]

I heard from my psychiatrist and have finally responded. My email was written over several days and I heavily edited to remove the immaterial.

At the end I decided to tell them about tapering and stopping medication. It seems only fair as they have cared enough to write.

Now I want to cry and wish I had not said anything. I don't like feeling vulnerable and having been open and honest about my thoughts, feelings and actions upsets me.

I do know on an intellectual level that for there to be any hope of a therapeutic relationship when the psychiatrist is back open honesty is essential. On the emotional level I want to cry and run.

I am so unsure just now.

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

Jacqui, while I've come across some great GPs who really listen and are brilliant medical detectives, I've been completely ignored by others. The ones who ignore us are incredibly triggering in a variety of ways. Whether they're triggering us to the frustration of not being able to resolve the issue we're suffering from or they're triggering us to self doubt, leading us to not trust what our body's saying, or they're triggering us to a sense of hopelessness, they remain triggering.

For me, the GP who insisted 'Women naturally get this tired when they've got so much on their plate', misdiagnosed sleep apnea. The one who insisted I go on anti anxiety meds when I insisted 'No, I need you to find out why I'm experiencing what appear to be panic attacks', misdiagnosed silent migranes which were triggering my nervous system. To the few medical professionals who dismissed my growing inability to get off the couch due to a severe lack of energy, why did they let a growing B12 deficiency reach the point where it was one of the worse cases the GP who finally diagnosed it had ever seen? Why did all these GPs let me suffer to the point of borderline depression. I'd lived with depression for a number of years before these occasions and I could feel myself beginning to slip back in each time.

For every GP who wonders, I tip my hat to them. They may wonder to the point where outside the square possibilities come to mind, which sometimes turn out to be spot on. They may wonder to the point of saying 'I suspect I know what's going on but I'm not entirely sure. I'll refer you to this specialist who's expert in investigating this area'. They may wonder to the point of ordering blood work or scans or they may get us to trial an approach to see if it hits the nail on the head. If it doesn't work we're to return for further investigation. Whatever it is, a wonderful (wonder full) GP is the best one to have in my opinion, as opposed to an ignorant one who ignores the patient. If the patient themself is the best witness and a medical detective (GP) ignores many of the clues from the most reliable witness, you gotta seriously question that.

Don't settle for a mediocre detective Jacqui, who'll lead you to nothing but self doubt and no result. Trust yourself. Trust what your body's telling you. I've found the body is highly intelligent in the way it communicates with us, sometimes far more intelligent than the GP we're seeing 🙂

[Jacqui51]

Thank you so much for your support and sharing. I feel for you having to cope with so many poor doctors. Over the years I have had 2 who were 'wonder full'. Each time I have been blessed as without them I would be dead. A small miracle in that over the last 12 hours my GP who was good, not sure if in the wonder stage but definitely good, has responded to my search. I now know where she practices and despite having full books she will add me to her current list of patients. Since living in this city she is the only GP who did listen and in fact she is the one who researched psychiatrists and referred me to the one I see.

I am going to hope I can see her soon.

You are so right when you outline the fact as patients we need to be listened to.

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

Excellent! So glad you've made a connection with the GP you're happy with. Will be interesting to see how she guides you through your current issue.

I've seen some brilliant doctors mixed with some no so brilliant ones. I think it's only through seeing both kinds that we learn to spot the difference.

Hoping you get an appointment very soon 🙂

[Jacqui51]

Over everything. Stupid laws that prevent me logging on to a suicide site because I live in Australia. My life my choice what I read.

Small things sending me spiralling down into anger and darkness.

[Chris_Tas]

I don't understand this post.

Can you please explan further?

Stay calm and safe

[Jacqui51]

I was a member of a site for a short time where people could truly discuss suicide. I got locked out because it is apparently seen as negative by Australian censorship. Probably would not have tried to go on it again but struggling so much just now. Even something small such as not being able to access my kindle account properly, my phone not responding quickly when checking something or even trying not to cry and failing is sending me into a downturn.

There is a lot of other stuff happening but I just can't share about it.

I am trying to keep going and trying to be calm but failing.

I have seen my psychiatrist for the first time in weeks face to face, it helped but now I have to decide if it is worth the struggle to not choose death. He was okay and is trying to help but I am in such a dark space I do not think anything can.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Jacqui,

I was looking back over the last few posts from you, & I did have a thought about how you said you've noticed how the meds you were using seemed to have blocked much of your emotions. I wonder, if maybe not having the meds at all is allowing too much through for you to cope with as yet? Would a smaller dose block some again, so you could then deal withhaving some emotions, just not all as intensely as you are now?

I also read about not being able to access your Kindle account, get your phone to respond quickly, get onto that website, trying not to cry, other little (& big?) things even not being able to talk about some other things going on, is all extremely frustrating. & it feels like you are not in control of very much.

There may not be much in the world you can control. But I think there are some things you can in your world.

One thing at a time, such as little things first. I don't have a Kindle account, but would expect they have their 'Support' or 'Help' you can contact? Maybe you'd have to set up a new account? I don't know.

The phone not responding might be a phone problem, minimal signal, again, I don't know. Or you are wanting things to respond faster than they are built to? Personally, I'd be glad if mine would just do what I ask it, without doing anything else.

I can't guess what else is on your mind, but k=listed them, & take time to think about each, asking what are your options.

Some things, like the unrestricted access to that website may not be within your power to change - at least not in a hurry.

Being able to calm yourself, that may be something you can learn how to do. & the emotions that have you crying, too. I think these are things your Psychiatrist can help you with. I think, talking to him about if having a lower dose of meds, he could tell you if my idea would be a workable compromise.

What was it about talking to your Psychiatrist tthat felt talking to him was helpful? & because you did feel talking to him was helpful, even just a little, does that not give you a slight sense that he can help you more?

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

You have so many triggers going on at the moment. I wonder if they've led to pure overwhelm. While being a bit overwhelmed by things is a little stressful and perhaps somewhat depressing, pure overwhelm has a whole different feel to it. It can be unbearably stressful and deeply deeply depressing at times.

Not sure why 'pure overwhelm' came to mind but I've learned to trust what naturally comes to mind, so I researched it, which led me to the topic of Highly Sensitive Person/People (aka HSP). Wondering if you've ever been led to research the topic yourself. TonyWK on the forums here speaks about the challenges and the benefits of being a HSP. He offers a variety of perspectives based on living life as a HSP. He speaks about the ability to master this nature over time while still having to manage the new found challenges that come with it. He's incredibly supportive and inspiring when it comes to this topic.

Jacqui, I'm one of those mind/body/spirit woo woo gals, a perspective that has offered a variety of tools for managing not returning to depression. Been on the brink a number of times btw. While being highly sensitive is a must for navigating life from a natural perspective (feeling your way through it), the mental and physical challenges involved can be absolutely horrible at times and even depressing. Mental/cognitive fatigue can be an issue for a HSP. The ability to process so much information, especially at such an intense level is an ability until it becomes too much. Then it feels like a curse. The ability to physically feel thoughts, internal/external imagery (incl memories and a vision of the way forward), words/comments from others and so on is an ability until, again, feels more like a curse. The ability to feel great dis-ease in our mind or environment is not necessarily a problem (it can be a helpful alert) unless it's ongoing, long term. Then it can have a major impact on us in a number of ways. Has anyone ever led you to research 'Emotional causes linked to fibromyalgia'? Just a thought.

In mentioning 'holistic approach', straight away some think 'Here we go again. One of those woo woo people all about that holistic sh*it' but holistic basically means addressing possible linked mental, physical and natural causes. Treating linked causes as completely separate issues can sometimes interfere with regaining overall wellbeing.

If you're a HSP/natural 'feeler', how to manage being a 'feeler' could be something worth researching.

[Jacqui51]

Hi mmMekitty

Thank you for thinking about me and the situation. Regarding thoughts.

You are spot on with control being major. I am a person who having had no control when abused finds control critical. I can contact kindle but it is a nightmare as my account is based in USA. I will resolve it or truthfully I might just smash the device. The other small things are just that, small. It is my lack of control that is amplifying these.

My psychiatrist has asked me to go back gradually on medication. I started Friday night. We are trialling it slowly as due to my coming off everything it is a chance to start over. When I began talking to him 20 months ago I was already on what many would consider high doses of one in particular. Trying to adjust was a nightmare.

Without the barrier or numbness of medication I am incredibly close to my emotions. I am now reexperiencing the life I lived for multiple years. The trauma, dread, lack of hope, flight or fight responses, belief I am in danger, and so much more that was and still appears to be my existence. I had forgotten either through drugs or choice the overwhelming nature of every day. I pretended for so long and now I am struggling.

Thanks for the suggestions of coping mechanisms. I will think these through and if possible try.

Perhaps it was simply his being available face to face, the knowing that I had not been able to push him away that helped a little. Perhaps being able to show the way I feel instead of listing. I am unsure and will wait for now.

I have woken with physical pain levels of 6 to 7. This is not helping. One of the medications did defuse or stop this. It is also one I am wary of . It may be reintroduced but not yet.

again thanks

[Jacqui51]

Good morning and thank you for responding. I do not dismiss alternative options and appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Once pain levels become manageable today I will think about what you have shared.

I have not considered HSP but will research before responding as easy to mis understand by names alone.

I am overwhelmed and simply hate being unable to control the situation.

Again thanks