Told my psychiatrist finally

[Jacqui51]

I heard from my psychiatrist and have finally responded. My email was written over several days and I heavily edited to remove the immaterial.

At the end I decided to tell them about tapering and stopping medication. It seems only fair as they have cared enough to write.

Now I want to cry and wish I had not said anything. I don't like feeling vulnerable and having been open and honest about my thoughts, feelings and actions upsets me.

I do know on an intellectual level that for there to be any hope of a therapeutic relationship when the psychiatrist is back open honesty is essential. On the emotional level I want to cry and run.

I am so unsure just now.

[Guest_1643]

Hi jaqui, thanks for sharing, are u safe?

I e heard of a program in Australia called alternatives to suicide but I haven't looked into it myself

I've found suicideline and Lifeline relatively good. I wish u could access the service u were blocked from, I'm sorry that happened to u, sounds unfair and upsetting,

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

I know how hard it can be to relate to things while you're in the thick of the worst. While I don't experience chronic depression anymore, I still experience times which are seriously mind altering, based on certain circumstances and how I experience, feel or relate to those circumstances. Intense ongoing physical pain is definitely mind altering, especially when nothings working to fully relieve it. Such intense pain can be thoroughly exhausting, in so many ways. Focus on your recovery from this particular episode of pain and give yourself the time to regain your energy. I think sometimes we can push our self to jump straight back into what we 'should be doing' (according to others), without giving our self time to fully recover from what's been thoroughly exhausting.

Wondering if you've ever tried deep tissue massage. I actually took a break there for a minute or so based on wondering about deep tissue massage for fibromyalgia. I'm an obsessive wonderer 🙂 Apparently DTM is a thing that proves highly effective for some who suffer with fibromyalgia. Can recall going to one of those shopping centre Chinese massage places once. My gosh was it painful. When the woman started I thought 'What the hell have I gotten myself into. This hurts something shocking. I can't believe I'm paying to feel this much pain'. By the time she'd finished I was almost going to sleep. I had absolutely no idea I was retaining such an enormous amount of tension/stress in my neck and shoulders. She definitely got it all out. Can understand where certain sayings come from, such as what it feels like to 'Carry the weight of the world on your shoulders' or the effects of someone being 'A pain in the neck'. I know you gotta be careful of certain shopping centre massage places as some of the folk there may have little training and can actually make things worse. Perhaps a clinic will be the best way for me to go in the future.

With such an enormous amount of emotion surfacing for you Jacqui, wondering if the physical pain is worse than ever.

[Jacqui51]

Tonight I came so close to ending it. Holding on but not good.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Jacqui,

Im sorry u feel ao down and without hope.

Life sure is hard, but you safety planned maybe in some way, to get through it ? You are stronger than you realise.

Are you feeling safe today?

Take care,

Sleepy

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jacqui, it's good to see you back to seek support. 

Your message has us very worried though, as it sounds like you are thinking about harming yourself.  We're sorry that things have been so difficult for you but want you to know that we are here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Our Support Service are trying to reach you via email as we are worried about you.

We would also urge you to get in touch with a real-time support service like the Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 or Lifeline 13 11 14 as we are not able to provide instant support here on the forums.

Please let us know in your next post how we can best help and support you here on the forums, even if it's just to provide the kind words that have helped you in the past.

[therising]

Hi Jacqui

The absolute depths of depression is an unbelievably torturous place to be. I feel so much for you Jacqui. Give yourself the freedom to come here and have a massive vent if that's what you need. Even if it makes the tiniest difference, it's still a difference.

[Jacqui51]

I once called for a locum and when I let slip I was depressed ended up having to stop ambulance being sent and forced admission.

I appreciate the thoughts behind the offer but not prepared to risk it.

Pain tonight is 7 but going to take prescribed level of pain medication and go to bed. Will try and sleep.

Tomorrow is a full on day at work followed by a Zoom meeting with psychiatrist. He is in isolation due to being in close contact. Not ideal but I am actually more concerned for his health. Medical practitioners are at such high risk.

Again thank you for your kindness.

[Guest_1643]

Hi jacqui,

Lifeline is a relatively safe service, they don't keep your number or ask for a name, and are staffed by volunteers, I recommend them.

The moderators here offer to call us if we seem at risk, good on you for knowing what works for you, it's not something I personally use either, but I call other helplines.

[Banksy92]

Hello Jacqui,

I am sorry you're faced with so many complex heath challenges right now. I wish there was a way to lift this enormous burden from your shoulders. You are clearly so strong and I am in awe of your resilience through it all.

I live and manage a chronic pain condition as well, and the first two years of onset were some of the toughest I've ever faced in my life. I empathize with your emotional and physical pain, and the journey to find the right services and support - which is soo difficult for many of us.

I worked closely with a pain specialist psychologist and occupational therapist for a few years and had to retrain my brain to not believe my body was ''in danger''. Calming the nervous system is huge for this as I'm sure you know. One very helpful tool I still turn to these days when I have a flare up is a book called ''The Explain Pain Handbook - Protectometer''. The workbook activity at the back is an incredibly simply but powerful way to help communicate with our brain that we are not in danger. You might want to check it out: https://www.noigroup.com/product/ep-handbook-protectometer/

[Jacqui51]

Thanks for the support and help. Will check out the book. Stupid but when one thing goes wrong so do 500 other things.

Yet again stuff I could normally sort out is pushing me past my limits. Covid means appointment today will be via Zoom. Hate this but better than a phone call.

Perhaps today will help me find ways to manage. I am well aware I am so much more fortunate than many others. As I think you all understand this doesn't help when crap happens. I think most of the time we can understand intellectually how blessed we are in many ways but once the darkness descends it just doesn't matter.

In the last week we have been told my husband has had a mini stroke. Multiple tests are happening as I try to work and keep us going financially. 

I do love him but this does not mean I can keep going. Yet I worry about him and his quality of life.

Oh well.