Tired of fighting this battle.

[Beaser]

I hope im ok to post as ive posted so often on other  forums  but im feeling very desperate lately. 

Im just so tired of fighting. I left a job i was in for many years last year. I have since had some part time work that didnt work out.  Im lonely and going broke.  I was desperate and called triple o last week only to be left to my own devices again. I may be going into a facility called parc a non acute inpatient service but that thought scares me. I dont know how much more i can endure. I hope every one is well and thank you for reading      Brett

[Beaser]

Thanks ER.

Its been a tough few days and im feeling it to be honest. 

The elderly man falling has really upset me.  I know its not my fault and he wasnt  supposed to do what he did after being told by  his family. Its still upsetting.   

I had to get some help yesterday as things got too much .

Thanks for getting back to me its good to be able to put things down in writing here.  

I hope my  struggles are not in any way triggering for you or others,

I dont know where else to turn to at times like this.

Wishing you Happy Day.   

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Beaser,

When you are a caring person it’s hard not to be really affected by these things. It’s good you reached out for help.

See if you can feel kindness towards yourself at this time. I’m gradually learning to do it myself and one thing I do is try to think how I’d comfort and support someone else in a similar situation and then try to do that for myself. I never used to be able to consider myself, but now I try to remember to be gentle, kind and nurturing towards myself in upsetting situations. It’s really good to have interactions with kind others too as that helps us feel more grounded and supported in our emotions.

It’s fine to write how you feel here. It will all settle in time. I hope you can feel a bit better today and do something kind for yourself. We are here for you.

Best wishes,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi ER and thank you. 

You right sometimes its important to remember to be a bit kinder to ourselves, even give ourselves a pat on the back. 

I took the mans wife to a DR appointment this morning and went to the supermarket for her, ive always tried to help when i can but i need take care of myself too. 

I  rang my sister for a chat earlier so that was a good friendly chat she has tried to help me where she can .

Im hoping things do begin to settle. I have my volunteer role tommorow then a meeting in the arvo so its a bit of structure for the day.

Its pretty hot here again today and i must admit im not a big fan of the heat nowadays. Its a bit cooler in the coming days.  

Hoping your day is going well and not to hot.   Always good to chat.

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

Good on you for helping out the man’s wife but, yes, remember to take care of yourself too.

Having the structure of your volunteer work and the meeting tomorrow should be helpful. I find I do better on days with some structure. It’s great you chatted with your sister too.

Perhaps there’s a way to build some structure into more days? That’s something I’m looking at for myself as I can drift a bit otherwise. Like today I set some tasks to do in another town, including getting items I needed from several stores for house maintenance plus grocery shopping. I find just having an outing like that can make a difference.

Take it easy and I’m sure things will settle. You are a very kind and caring person Beaser, so know the world is lucky to have you.

Take care,

ER

[Beaser]

Thank you ER.

Its been a tough week and ill admit to really struggling at times  .   Im hoping i can get through today with my volunteer work and the meeting.  

I spoke to my friend yesterday who had lost his sister , the friend i spoke of.     I  hope he can understand but i dont feel up to going to the funeral as i struggle with them at the best of times. Its also a two hour trip away and i dont feel up to it in my current state.  

I find it hard to make decisions about funerals and whether to attend im not sure if that sounds strange.  

I always do my best to be a good person to others  i hope in some way that it shows through. I dont expect anything in return but i hope that people understand i  need support myself at times. 

I really wish i had made better decisions in my life and go over my bad ones and drown in regret i wish that didnt i could get on top of this. Ive never made any bad decisions that have harmed others only things like career and relationship things that have affected me. .

Hope im not rambling to much ER but im up early and feeling a need to reach out. 

My best wishes to you and all for the day ahead.

Beaser.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Beaser,

Just take it easy today with your volunteer work and the meeting. I hope you enjoy being around some other people and having those things to focus on.

I think it's really ok to decide not to go to the funeral if that feels right for you. I think funerals can be helpful in remembering and celebrating a person's life, but obviously they bring up emotion too. I alway end up crying at funerals, but it's in a good way in that it's like a release of emotion. I don't even have to know the person that well to cry. So I do think that when they are done well they can help processing a loss and it can be a way of catching up with people too. But at the same time I don't think we should ever feel obligated to attend them. There are times we just don't feel like something and that's really ok. I think it's important to listen in to yourself and let your inner compass guide you about what is right for you.

I can tell you are a really kind person who makes a real effort to care for others. I think the really important thing is to also care for yourself and ask for support too when you need it. For most of my life I worked really hard to help others all the time while ignoring myself and also not asking for help. I'm slowly learning to ask what I need for myself in various situations and as I'm gradually learning to do this, I feel better and more empowered. I think the first step is beginning to see yourself and identify your own needs. I think sometimes we are not even seeing our own needs fully. Perhaps even write a list of what you would like in your life and begin to envisage some ways of finding or creating those things.

With past decisions, I think all of us have at least some things where we can see in hindsight that we now wish we had done this or that. I can certainly see that in myself. But if I go back to myself at that time, I was just doing my best to manage the situation in the only way I knew then. I too have regrets about career and relationship things, but I just wasn't equipped at the time with the knowledge and insights I have now to know how to manage better then. So I think it's really important to go back to your younger self and just have only compassion and kindness for him. When we are trapped in the past and regret we block living in the present moment and creating positive future possibilities. I think coming back to the present moment and finding peace and meaning in that is the essence of life itself and it's how we create positive future moments and realities. There may be difficult things from the past, but they deepen us and teach us wisdom about how to live now and move forward. So in a sense, nothing is wasted. It is all learning and growing and turning past experiences into compassionate insight. There's a Buddhist monks whose talks I've been to in the past, and he talks about how shit is used to grow vegetables and fruits that taste good and are nutritious for us. He was comparing this to life and how it's the experiences that may seem bad that actually help us grow. They nourish us and make us wiser beings.

One thing I am practising at the moment is just realising that every day is a precious gift. Just the opportunity to be alive and experience things is amazing. I am dealing with both loneliness and depression at the moment, but I am finding when I come back to this moment and realise how amazing it is to be alive, life becomes richer and easier. Even now, it is so still and peaceful outside. I can hear the ocean roaring in the background and several different bird calls. The atmosphere is beautiful. The other night a thunderstorm was passing through with some spectacular lightning. Just realising and experiencing how incredible nature is can be so connecting and enlivening. So I guess I'm trying to say that if you can feel the magic in life, which is definitely there, you can experience it as a gift and things like past regrets/decisions don't matter. It is just focussing on the here and now and the beauty in the present moment, and just doing that in itself can release you from worry and regret.

Sorry, I didn't mean to write such a long post! But just trying to find ways to encourage you and help you feel better and know that you can release yourself from worries about the past and embrace your life now.

Sending you a hug and I hope your day is going well,

ER

[Beaser]

Thank you ER .

Please dont apologize about youre last post being longer ,its always great to hear from you .

I value your understanding and experience.

I did my volunteer shift yesterday and things went good and it was good to be around other people. Also it was good to be around my regular mate. We share a love for football so have some good banter there.

You are so  right about looking back with hindsight i need to remember it was the way it was at the time and thats just how it happened.

I have a DR appt today so i  be honest about how my week has gone , i think its important but i know i also have to help myself with different things. I want to explain to him about how i feel scared at times.

I picked some nice tomatoes yesterday and have some corn ready too , its a bit rewarding to see .

I think its just been a tough week with everything thats gone on that ive spoken about but i can feel an improvement this morning.  Not perfect but a definite improvement on early in the week.

Always good to hear from you ER and its so good to be able to put things down here.

Wishing you a peaceful day,

Beaser

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Beaser,

I’m so glad you had a good time at your volunteer job and you got to have that time with your mate. Those interactions really help don’t they.

Yes, it’s good to let your Dr know what’s been happening and how you’ve been feeling. I hope you had a good appointment and got some support from them.

It’s wonderful having the fresh tomatoes and corn. I agree, it’s so rewarding growing, harvesting and eating your own produce. I grew my own tomatoes and corn many years ago now. I used to love being able to make things with home grown veggies.

I’m really glad you can feel some improvement. It has been a really tough week for you but you can be really proud of reaching out for help and finding your way through. I think keeping in contact with people helps a lot to balance out those difficult emotions that come up.

Take good care of yourself Beaser and big hugs to you,

ER

[Beaser]

Thanks ER.

I went to the cricket yesterday with some mates.   Home for an early  night. 

I must admit im not looking forward to the heat tomorrow its a bit of a trigger at times for me.   

How have you been ?    Hope things are good in yor world.         Beaser 

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Beaser,

That’s great you went to the cricket with your mates. It can be a relaxing day out and it’s nice to be with other people.

The heat can be full on can’t it. I think it can be a trigger for various reasons. I hope you can find ways to keep cool and maybe find some distractions to focus on. Do you have good cooling in your home? Perhaps if the cricket or tennis is on tv it is something to watch which can be relaxing on a hot day. I think today is the last day of the Australian Open for tennis but there may be other tournaments.

I’m heading up to the city in a few days and it’s going to be extremely hot which I’m not looking forward to. I’m petsitting looking after my friend’s mum’s cat there and I do look forward to that as I love the cat. It’s much cooler where I am so it’s going to be a bit of a shock. I get very fatigued with driving so I’m stopping at a caravan park half way overnight. I hope to avoid driving in the hottest part of the day too.

I’m going ok. I have some trouble with sleeping at the moment and depression too, but I am getting through it. I see my psychologist after I get back from the city which will be helpful. While I’m in the city I will be catching up with my friends and their little girl which will be lovely. She’s about 21 months now and she’s so delightful.

Have a lovely day Beaser.

ER