Tick all the boxes but still empty

[Boxes]

A few events lately have meant that I’ve fallen really low within myself and struggling daily with the thoughts in my head. I’m not someone who talks about feeling or emotions. But a few things happened that made me question myself.

I’ve realised that for at least the past 20 years I don’t actually don’t feel emotions like everyone else. I don’t get excited because I might get let down. I don’t feel happy even when it should be a happy occasion (a wedding). But then I don’t feel overly sad in times that I should ( a funeral). It’s like I’ve built up my walls to protect myself but it means I don’t feel anything. I’ve gone on holidays to places people would love but I don’t feel anything and just take photos in the hope that I can enjoy it later at another time when I get home. same for all aspects of my life. I just am not really living in the moment. Like I’m an observer of my own life. It’s hard to explain.

And I’ve suddenly had a moment where I realise that maybe I’m missing out on something? Maybe I don’t fully feel emotions. I rarely laugh or enjoy things. Even when I know I should be. I play with my kids and go through all the motions but I just don’t feel happiness.

I tick all the boxes for happiness. I have no logical reason for not being happy (have a job, house, kids). I keep busy to keep me distracted from dropping too low. If I don’t keep distracted then I’m in a pretty bad place.

Now that I finally have realised this (that I don’t feel emotions) I’m second guessing my decision making ability. Which is perhaps triggering some emotions that I’m not sure I’ve felt properly before (true guilt ?). My brain struggles to comprehend all this and the only thing that makes me feel something or ground me, is to harm myself. It sounds bad when I write it. But I know it’s not right. But it’s like thats some kind of release or someway to punish myself for letting myself feel some emotions ? I don’t know. I’m not trying to kill myself. I’ve hurt myself a few times over the past month. It seems to help me but I know it’s not right. I have a great job and I’m worried people will start to question me about my injuries.

I did go to the doctor about 7 weeks ago and she gave me medication.
Could the antidepressants be making me worse ? (I have hurt myself before but many years ago ). Have I just been depressed for 20 years or is living with no emotions just a normal part of life ?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Boxes,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be really tough to open up and write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling that you need to punish yourself, it sounds like these feelings must be really overwhelming. Is there something that has helped you to curb self harm behaviour in the past? Please know that many of our community members will relate to what you're going through and hopefully some of them will pop by soon to offer you words of advice and support.

It's great to hear that you've reached out to your GP to talk about these feelings. We understand that the process of finding what works for you can be frustrating, and we'd urge you to get in touch with our Support Service to talk through these feelings and any concerns about medications. Our friendly counsellors can be reached 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or through webchat from 3pm-midnight (AEST) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport They will be able to offer you support, advice and referrals to help you through this difficult time.

We would also really encourage you to get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) whenever these feelings become too difficult to cope with.

We're all here to help you through this, and we hope you continue to keep us updated here on your thread with how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.




 

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Boxes,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I must say that on reading your post, something jumped into my mind and I thought I must share this! I will also let you know though, that I am NOT A PROFESSIONAL in the area I am about to talk about. In fact, I'm not really much of a 'professional' at anything! Just a fellow human being with her own life experiences.

Have you heard of a condition called 'Alexithymia'? It's basically a condition where those who have it struggle to identify and or understand their own emotions, and/or the emotions of others.

I only heard of the condition myself a few years ago when my marriage was in meltdown (I am now divorced) and I thought (and still do think) that my ex husband may have the condition.

I only mention it because of what you described above: "Now that I finally have realised this (that I don’t feel emotions) I’m second guessing my decision making ability. Which is perhaps triggering some emotions that I’m not sure I’ve felt properly before (true guilt ?). My brain struggles to comprehend all this ....." and seeing you describe it like that, makes me think that it is possibly that exact struggle that my ex husband had too ..... but he did not know how to express it like you do. He just didn't seem to 'feel' like others did, and often found it 'embarrassing' when I had a display of my own emotions. It was as though he just could not make sense of anything emotional at all. He would often shut down completely and retreat to the shed, not talking for days on end. Don't get me wrong, he was a good man in many ways ..... but yeah, emotionally ..... well, it was very, VERY difficult.

Anyway, perhaps you might like to check out these links:

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/people-alexithymia-emotions-mystery/

and this one too:

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/when-patient-has-no-story-tell-alexithymia

There are also a number of other threads here on BB, relating to other people's experiences with Alexithymia, if you would like to check those out:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/general/search-results?keywords=Alexithymia&page=1

In the meantime, you can also come back here, to this thread as much as you like. After all, that's what we are here for. To support you and help you as much and as best as we can.

Anyway, I hope that helps, at least a little?

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Boxes]

Thank you so much for the links. They were very helpful. It is nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this.
I’m not sure where to start to try work it through. And I don’t know where that will take me.

I struggle to talk to anyone as I’m always “ok” and don’t think I have a problem. Plus I’m not sure how to bring it up in conversation. “Hi I don’t know how to speak about this As I don’t talk about my feeling and I’m not sure I want to fix it as it’s just how I’ve always been..”

I will try though, as I can see now how it’s affected my past relationships and marriage now.

thank you

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Boxes,

You're welcome. Am glad I helped at least little.

It's okay to feel as though you don't really know where to start ..... but if you think about it, you have already made a start; by posting here.

Anyway, like I said, we're here to help as much as we can. Don't be afraid to keep coming back, if you would like to.

Take care. xo